Dreams

This week, I was asked what I would do if there were no limitations or restrictions on me. No worry about judgement or rejection. Having not had time to think about it beforehand, I don't believe I gave a very good answer.

It's funny. I'm not sure I allow myself to really dream much anymore. And I need to change that. I have lots of hopes, but what are the dreams? What is it, specifically, that I wish was true and different about me, or the people around me?

One thing I dream about is a day where I don't need to worry about what the people in my house think were they to see, or if they see, my femininity expressed. The mere act of shaving my body, or using products on my skin, or even dressing for the day in underwear I enjoy better is fraught with peril. If I am in the bathroom getting ready, my wife could walk in at any second. And I just don't need the looks or judgement. I suppose I need to get past that part. So, I dream I get past that part.

Lately, I've been daydreaming more and more about adding on to the feminine things I wear to work. I work in a nice office building where things are very casual in my company. I see plenty of ladies walking around looking nice in great dresses, or pant outfits, or even just casual with jeans and nicely accessorized blouses. I so want to add accessories like bracelets and cute belts, things like that. I'm obsessed with ladies' jeans. They feel so much better than guy jeans.

Oh, and I really want to get my ears pierced again. I had them a long time ago, but let it go with my kids being little, not to mention the silly notion that giving up trying to be feminine was the right thing to do. Nowadays, I go eat at the food court at the mall for lunch sometimes, and Claire's is right there. That's where I had my ears pierced years ago, and I so want to go in one day and come out with the starter studs, at least.

I know it's all part of the journey, and I'm learning patience. As great as it would be to wear a great dress with amazing heels, or just a skirt and blouse outfit, that will take more time. I need to keep not only myself and my family in mind, but my job. I can't just show up looking completely different. My company professes to be trans-friendly, but in being pretty new there and unproven, can I really trust in their public stance? I figure I could easily be let go for trans-related reasons and have it be written up as job-related. This is something all trans women need to keep in mind, I think.

I suppose maybe the biggest dream of all right now is just more courage and strength to see through what I want. Gosh, I haven't even mentioned having smoother skin, a better-proportioned body through help of hormones, or anything like that. Being able to utilize my own hair, could that ever happen? The possibilities seem endless, but I am trying to be realistic too. It's a balance between going for it and being patient. As the song says (Faith Hill's "The Secret Of Life"), the secret is to not hurry, but don't wait. That line sticks with me so much.

To end for today, thank you to anyone who has read my posts so far. I hope it's interesting and relatable to you. I really would love to hear more from others. What are your dreams? Doesn't even have to be trans-related. Keep hoping, and keep dreaming.

Comments

Popular Posts