Neutral...is progress

I've been holding off on writing a new entry here. I haven't quite known what to say, so I've held off. I recognize today, however, that I ought to write something, else too much gets bottled up inside.

How to write a positive blog post when things aren't necessarily positive? The same way it's possible to have positive thoughts. I mean, a blog post, a diary if you will, is just thoughts expressed via a keyboard or pen and paper.

I was approached this week by a university grad student about my story for a paper she is writing on transgendered people and their journey. About how they started of course, but with a focus on what has happened in the actual transition, in terms of hiding from society for a time, that in-between time anyone transitioning would have to get through, as well as what their present looks like. I was excited to be considered, and found out all about it. It wasn't meant to be, since I am only THEORETICALLY trans (my term), and wouldn't be able to answer many of the questions on this lady's list.

Maybe that's the topic here as the words flow from my fingers. I know there are many theoretical transpeople out there. Probably more than physical, transitioned trans people. What is that like? What do we do when we live in the "in-between"? Many of us may never progress beyond what we have now. Some will be ok with that, some won't. Can you live with neutral progress?

Where I am with things is exploration. Semi-aggressive exploration with the occasionally-dipped toe. Or just polished toes. I digress. I ask a million questions every day, and read a fair amount. I think it's leading somewhere, and it is. Other than the thinking INSIDE though, there is neutral progress outside. Due to several factors, maybe this is as far as I get. Maybe I learn to live with myself the way I am. Maybe I use my own experience to help others in some way.

Or maybe things EXPLODE and I become radically different. On the outside. Gender dysphoria, in my mind, was always the idea that one should have been born with the opposite sexual characteristics than they were, and having that longing to bring the inside and the outside together. I never felt that as kid. Still don't, really. MY gender dysphoria is in the fact that the things I want to DO would be much better and easily done were I to look like a female. At least I think so.

I love women's clothes. And shoes. And jewelry. And accessories. And makeup. I just do, always have. Always will. I want access to that stuff. These are the things that take up my waking time, when I don't even realize it. Always looking for something shiny to feel happy. It's not that I have to have shiny in order to be happy, but it couldn't hurt. The idea of working out the dysphoria is more in that I want to have the access I mention, but in such a way that I just blend in. I'm not looking to shock anyone.

I guess maybe that "blend in" thing is still a part of conforming to society. That's bad. And it's good. I don't have the personality to be a rebel. Even though I kinda am, accidentally. I didn't make myself this way. It just is what it is. So, after so so long, I'm trying to go with it.

To wrap it up, I suppose I can say I am ok with my neutral progress at this time. What I am learning hasn't turned into anything you can really see yet, but it is there. Even without a transition, per se, at least not yet, I can consider myself trans. It makes sense. You can't have a male body and think the way I do, like the things I do, without being trans. Can you? That's a legit question.

Thanks for reading. Please comment if you can. Answer the question above. Tell me I'm a delusional crazy person. It will only feed my neutral progress, and lead to forward progress, hopefully.