Get tuned, Stay tuned.
I'm tempted to call this one, "When I Stop Leaving, I'll Be Gone". Because I like to rip off old song titles, album titles and such. But to do that, I'd need to be either leaving, or gone. I feel that I'm doing neither.
This post is in reference to a decision I made yesterday to pull back drastically on my social media presence. It's something I've been thinking of for a while, and the moment came yesterday when circumstances aligned to where it felt best to do so.
I've spent an inordinate amount of time in the past couple of years communicating with many people that I felt can relate to me and who I feel understand who I am, and who I am becoming. I have done so largely in the shadows of my own family, and thus drove the perceived deceit factor up through the roof. The actual deceit factor is much less, but perception is what counts.
I am writing this early on Saturday morning, and I am already feeling the effects of what I have decided to do. I am awake, and feel alone, and therefore am in need of comfort and comradery. A very main focus of mine in this blog is to be positive and not whine about my situation. Nobody wants to read that. I will try to minimize it here today, but I feel I must be open about where I am with things. There are people that I've communicated with that will miss me, I know that. That's the hard part, because I like being liked, and the thought of being missed tells me maybe I did something right.
I have left just enough avenue open to strategic people that I know in order to not only be there for them as I want and need to be, but so that folks can know I'm ok. Somehow, I will be ok. I am ok. There are a great many people out there in the world who are not ok. I'm not one of them, relatively speaking. If I look hard enough, I still do have blessings.
So again, if you are still reading, why did Shannyn decide to strip back things? My hope is that in doing so, I can further emerge from the shadows, or at least not be buried in them as I have been for so very long. Hiding is perhaps my biggest sin of all, to my family and even to myself. When someone is different, in any way, we can either own it fully and say, "yeah, I really like ping-pong, and I don't care who knows it", or we can join the underground ping-pong club that plays late at night, probably with glowing paddles and balls to minimize what even their own members see. Ok, that's way exaggerated, but actually sounds really cool. Maybe I'll start such a club. The NPPAOA. Nocturnal Ping-Pong Association of America.
Sorry for rambling. What I'm seeing as important is an attempt to return myself to my family in some form, to recognize that I've been absent in their lives, maybe repair a smidgen of the damage hiding has done to them. It's a tall task, as the damage is immense. I know it's not all my fault, since I didn't ask for dysphoria, or to be transgender. It's not bad to be this way; as you know I have embraced it. But others didn't ask to have to deal with this either.
Another thing I recognize is the need to put my energies into things like furthering my public presence, if that's where this is all leading. I guess the idea is to stop hiding so much, and make the time I spend interacting with others like me much more a thing of quality versus quantity. As mentioned, it is designed to give time to MAYBE rebuild my family dynamic. It seems irreparable right now, but with God's grace and a lot of effort, who knows.
In that vain, I'm gonna steal something again. To whom I'm stealing from, remember it's a compliment to have your stuff stolen. We all kinda know this one anyway. And it is oh-so-apropos for me in this moment.
As I was describing the latest events to a very dear friend last night, she told me of her daily Bible verse that came up. It's John, 8:32. and even if you don't believe in God or the Bible at all (I don't judge, and hope I'm not judged), this should be pretty easy to understand and attempt to abide by:
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
Imagine describing your feelings about becoming more transparent and truthful in your life, and then that verse is mentioned. It hit home, for sure. At the same time, I wonder what being more revealing will do to those who wish it from me. Will it help, or am I bound to, at some point, scream like Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!"
I don't know the answer to that, dear readers. Two things can happen. Things get worse. Or things get better. They won't stay the same.
This blog will continue. Anyone can reach out to me via the comments. Some of you know other ways to reach me. Or you know someone who knows how to reach me. I take heart in the fact I've learned from most everyone I have met, even the negative stuff, and hope they enjoyed the Shannyn experience, too. Beyond this, should we meet again, I will be better than ever, more ALIVE than ever, and the good person I am won't be having to hide from the world.
I do have a specific request for anyone who reads this particular entry. My ability to spread the word about my blog is much diminished. That's an unfortunate side effect of my direction. I'd like to think the blog can do good for others, but for that to have any hope of being possible, it needs to be read. If you will, copy the URL and post it somewhere you visit, so others can see it. Share it with one friend, or on whatever accounts you might have. It all helps. Thanks.
I always thank people for reading, but I especially mean it this time!!! Get tuned, Stay tuned.
This post is in reference to a decision I made yesterday to pull back drastically on my social media presence. It's something I've been thinking of for a while, and the moment came yesterday when circumstances aligned to where it felt best to do so.
I've spent an inordinate amount of time in the past couple of years communicating with many people that I felt can relate to me and who I feel understand who I am, and who I am becoming. I have done so largely in the shadows of my own family, and thus drove the perceived deceit factor up through the roof. The actual deceit factor is much less, but perception is what counts.
I am writing this early on Saturday morning, and I am already feeling the effects of what I have decided to do. I am awake, and feel alone, and therefore am in need of comfort and comradery. A very main focus of mine in this blog is to be positive and not whine about my situation. Nobody wants to read that. I will try to minimize it here today, but I feel I must be open about where I am with things. There are people that I've communicated with that will miss me, I know that. That's the hard part, because I like being liked, and the thought of being missed tells me maybe I did something right.
I have left just enough avenue open to strategic people that I know in order to not only be there for them as I want and need to be, but so that folks can know I'm ok. Somehow, I will be ok. I am ok. There are a great many people out there in the world who are not ok. I'm not one of them, relatively speaking. If I look hard enough, I still do have blessings.
So again, if you are still reading, why did Shannyn decide to strip back things? My hope is that in doing so, I can further emerge from the shadows, or at least not be buried in them as I have been for so very long. Hiding is perhaps my biggest sin of all, to my family and even to myself. When someone is different, in any way, we can either own it fully and say, "yeah, I really like ping-pong, and I don't care who knows it", or we can join the underground ping-pong club that plays late at night, probably with glowing paddles and balls to minimize what even their own members see. Ok, that's way exaggerated, but actually sounds really cool. Maybe I'll start such a club. The NPPAOA. Nocturnal Ping-Pong Association of America.
Sorry for rambling. What I'm seeing as important is an attempt to return myself to my family in some form, to recognize that I've been absent in their lives, maybe repair a smidgen of the damage hiding has done to them. It's a tall task, as the damage is immense. I know it's not all my fault, since I didn't ask for dysphoria, or to be transgender. It's not bad to be this way; as you know I have embraced it. But others didn't ask to have to deal with this either.
Another thing I recognize is the need to put my energies into things like furthering my public presence, if that's where this is all leading. I guess the idea is to stop hiding so much, and make the time I spend interacting with others like me much more a thing of quality versus quantity. As mentioned, it is designed to give time to MAYBE rebuild my family dynamic. It seems irreparable right now, but with God's grace and a lot of effort, who knows.
In that vain, I'm gonna steal something again. To whom I'm stealing from, remember it's a compliment to have your stuff stolen. We all kinda know this one anyway. And it is oh-so-apropos for me in this moment.
As I was describing the latest events to a very dear friend last night, she told me of her daily Bible verse that came up. It's John, 8:32. and even if you don't believe in God or the Bible at all (I don't judge, and hope I'm not judged), this should be pretty easy to understand and attempt to abide by:
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
Imagine describing your feelings about becoming more transparent and truthful in your life, and then that verse is mentioned. It hit home, for sure. At the same time, I wonder what being more revealing will do to those who wish it from me. Will it help, or am I bound to, at some point, scream like Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!"
I don't know the answer to that, dear readers. Two things can happen. Things get worse. Or things get better. They won't stay the same.
This blog will continue. Anyone can reach out to me via the comments. Some of you know other ways to reach me. Or you know someone who knows how to reach me. I take heart in the fact I've learned from most everyone I have met, even the negative stuff, and hope they enjoyed the Shannyn experience, too. Beyond this, should we meet again, I will be better than ever, more ALIVE than ever, and the good person I am won't be having to hide from the world.
I do have a specific request for anyone who reads this particular entry. My ability to spread the word about my blog is much diminished. That's an unfortunate side effect of my direction. I'd like to think the blog can do good for others, but for that to have any hope of being possible, it needs to be read. If you will, copy the URL and post it somewhere you visit, so others can see it. Share it with one friend, or on whatever accounts you might have. It all helps. Thanks.
I always thank people for reading, but I especially mean it this time!!! Get tuned, Stay tuned.
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