Neither Here Nor There

It's been just short of a full week since I eliminated most of my online presence. Time to take stock of where I am, and in so doing, give updates to those who still see this blog and are interested.

The past weekend was one in which I did not chat online at a chat site, or watch Twitter, or some other time-consuming activities that I usually engage in. The idea has been to see what it feels like, and put more emphasis on my actual life. So what did it feel like? The first couple of days, I thought about what a mistake I was making, that I missed those things, and other negative emotions. I also was proud as each hour passed by. Online can be very addicting, and this was my drug I was witdrawing from.

I did note that, while not having my face buried in my phone or laptop, that my kids engaged me a little whereas they may have just passed by in the days and weeks and months previous. Not a lot, but I did notice. Did they see me as someone they wanted to talk to again? They must have; all I did was try to be available.

I didn't make any pronouncements or anything about what I was attempting to do, or why. I am hoping that it will be noticed. Not only am I on my devices less, I have returned to my former location to watch TV, etc. I knew I had moved in order to hide my chatting, etc. and so, to me, this is something I hope will be noticed and possibly appreciated.

I will admit that I created a login for chat this morning to just go in and observe, see how I felt. I saw names I hadn't for a week. It was nice to see they were still there and hopefully doing well. I didn't engage anyone, and left soon after. I noticed quickly that I was just waiting for something interesting to be said, and when it didn't, I thought about the time I had devoted to this, and how it wasn't as beneficial as I thought. Maybe I will return more later, but only if I have found balance, and certainly I won't log the hours I did before.

How have I filled up the time that I suddenly now have? No drastic changes. If I watch TV, I am able to focus better on that, and get more out of it. I need to start doing more actual activities instead, but access to things is limited for other reasons, some of which may be excuses, some may be legit. I'm aware, and hope to do better. Less passive, less timid.

Things are otherwise the same. I get pangs of loneliness. I've had those all along. During one of those the other morning, I responded in part to my wife's challenge that, if I am serious about this transgender stuff, I would tell my parents. She didn't think I would do it. I thought on it a couple of days, and when the loneliness set in, I chose to look to someone that's part of my life to be an ally. That person was my mother.

If you've read before, my mother had expressed to me encouraging words on the native North American concept of the "two spirit" or transgendered person. Even though it turns out she didn't quite understand it the way I thought she did, I was able to use that as a lead in to telling her about myself, to an extent at least.

I told her some details of what I feel like, what I did growing up to combat what was then an unknown, not-understood condition. Before I did so, she thought I was telling her I was gay or bisexual or something. As with many folks, the separation of gender and sexuality is a difficult concept. I told her I hadn't done anything like that, and gave details of my life of crossdressing.

Somehow, I survived that. As evidenced by the fact I lived to type the tale today. It wasn't as if I got a, "hey, that's wonderful" reaction, but I wasn't comdemned, and I feel like I was at least heard by someone who cares about me, even if the caring often gets presented in odd ways that can leave me baffled or infuriated or both.

Now that a few days have passed, I need to talk to her again and see what questions she has. We aren't mentioning it to anyone else yet, at least I hope we aren't, but this a step in....a direction. A positive direction, I hope. A way to emerge from the shadows just a tiny bit more. To be more authentic. Less deceit, more truth.

I guess that's it for now. As always, it feels good to get the thoughts and feelings out my mind and into the ether, no matter how condensed they may be. I wrestled with writing the blog all week, as I know that very few are likely to read it. I did say I would continue, and I will. If for no one else than myself. But I believe my words will help someone else, even if it's a single person.

A very good friend reminded me of that possibility the other day. I lamented not getting the exposure I had before (it wasn't much, but wasn't nothing), and that I didn't want to blog and have it look a "woe is me" kind of thing. She mentioned that in a way, I'm lucky. Many people who might need to express themselves in some way and yet cannot, might read this blog and see some hope, and my good fortune. I thought that was crazy at first, since my life is a mess. But when seen through the prism of a possible future where I realize more of my goals, the possibility then would exist for others to look back and see that someone achieved, and that they can, too.

So, I write for me. But, present-day me and future me both hope that others are encouraged and helped by my expression of self, of documenting my journey. It really is more about the journey than the desination. We never, ever "get there", because "there" immediately becomes "here", and then is gone infinitely quicker than you can even have that thought. So, concentrate on the journey. Try to enjoy the ride. It will be worth it.