Do We Need Our Pain?

Yesterday, I was listening to The Gender Rebels podcast, as I usually do. I mentioned them way back with one of the first blog posts I wrote, and not exactly in glowing terms. They have grown on me, since I've learned by listening to them tackle questions from their listeners. I haven't found many other audio sources for trans issues, especially those that offer the perspective of a CIS female as well as a MTF trans woman. I'm really glad I stuck with their podcast. If anyone has other good podcasts, blogs or sites for this kind of stuff, leave me a comment or let me know some way. I thank you.

Anyway, on the episode from December 6th, the subject of therapy comes up as something either partner in a cis/trans relationship can do to ease the burden on their partner. The idea of not using your partner as your lone source of airing your trans "laundry" was very poignant, I thought. However, Faith, the trans partner in the relationship (Kath is Faith's partner and co-host), does not go to therapy currently, and they discussed why. In that, Faith mentioned that she, and I'm paraphrasing here, "needs her pain", as it is part of what defines her in life. We are talking mental pain, not physical, although one can easily, and often does, affect the other.

If I'm allowed to get a little nerdy here, the other time I heard this phrase, "I need my pain", was in the movie, Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier, a long time ago. It is said by Captain Kirk to Mr. Spock's half-brother, who has the power to take away the pain of anyone he encounters. This has always stuck with me since I first saw the movie, and read the paperback novel for the movie as well. Some things just stick with you. It's not the greatest movie, but it has some decent ideas.

In my own way, knowingly and unknowingly, I have carried that concept with me a long time since. Through my own therapy, I have reached the point of recognizing the traumas that shape our lives. Dealing with these traumas is the real trick, of course. What occured to me yesterday was the question, "do I need my pain like I have thought I did?"

I asked myself that because it seems that I'm headed in the opposite direction since I re-entered counseling. Trying to get rid of my pain has been a focus. As I hope to write later before the year ends, I have had a lot of pain this year, as many people have. I hope talking about mine in some way helps others with theirs. Otherwise these blogs are pointless. Anyway, I recognized that I am heading away from Captain Kirk's credo of "needing my pain".

As I write this, I'm not sure of the answer to the question. In ways, it seems like we do need our pain, since as Faith says in Gender Rebels, it is part of our identity. To me, I find some sort of comfort at times in being outside the norm on things, "zigging" as I mentioned way back when. But should we? Should a trans person purposely carry that around on their shoulders daily? Should any person want to portray themselves as wounded in some way? Is it a show of strength? A sign of weakness in that we need others to recognize that, hey, look at all the crap that happened to me, and I'm still here!

This post could get a lot longer if I were to stop and do research and comment on all that. I think instead I will let the question sit a while, re-watch Star Trek 5, and see what comes to mind. Not all questions need to be answered now. Some questions can never be properly answered anyway.

What do you think? As always, let me know via a comment, or message in some other way if you know where to find me. Thanks for reading.


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