The Year That Was (aka Shannyn Comes Alive)

Been plotting a retrospective for a little bit now, as people are wont to writing at the end of the year. Ir's one of those long posts you know might just bore people to tears. As I write this, on a very damp, dreary morning, December 30, the time and place feels approporiate. I feel very sensitive for some reason, so as weird as it seems, this might be the best thing to do to snap out of it.

Some of this might get heavy. Feel free to stop here if you don't need or want heavy.


Ok....so, last Septemer (2017), I lost my job in a big layoff. I hadn't liked the job, and I was in very terrible shape from a totally unexpected job loss a couple years prior. But it was keeping us going. The first job loss had never happened before, as I was always the one to leave, and I don't deal so well with stuff like rejection. I couldn't, and still can't, figure out why I wasn't needed anymore.

So, as my severance ran out towards the very end of the year, another substandard Christmas came and went, and stupid me started to stretch out my medications, as money for them was going to be tough without inurance. A new job wasn't there yet, with company's budgets being exhaisted, I guess. Anyway, a perfect storm of events to take a fragile person down a bad path.

I can't remember if it was December or early January. The latter, I think. Everything built to a crisis point. I had it all figured out. I went into the bathroom where all my meds were, and I opened up the sleeping pills. I had a bunch. You can guess what I planned to do with them. Something stopped me. I know I struggled with how word would get out to people I know online. Time-released email, maybe. "If you're reading this....", kinda thing. I especially couldn't figure out how my friend James and my new sister Tanya would know and all that. God intervened.

I took the borrle of pills to my wife and told her she needed to keep them away from me. The next while after that was tough. I couldn't see my counselor because of insurance, and at one point had to call the crisis hotline and have them come out. But we got throigh it. It took around nine months total, but I finally started a new job in May. I was ALIVE again. I went from feeling completely worthless to at least having a chance again. A paycheck meant we could breathe some.

I'd love to say my new job is great and I want to stay there forever, but as it is with many, it's just a job. It gets the bills (mostly) paid. I struggle with feeling needed there, and I have a lot of fear of getting dumped again. But I'm plugging away, as most people have to. Although I really want to be, I'm not special, and I grind it out.

Enough of that. If you are still reading, thank you. I write these blogs mostly for me, as I don't have much of audience anyway. I dunno, it's my piece of the world, if nothing else.

So, with new insurance, I found a good new counselor who doesn't think I'm a sexual deviant addict, and that alone has been tremendous. She listens to me, and encourages me that I'm not as messed up as I think I am. I am exploring my needs and wants more, as I've chronicled on this blog since summer. No need to really rehash all that.

As I end the year, despite the sudden sadness I feel today for no apparent reason other than maybe the holidays are coming to close and reality is right around the corner again, I am, for the most part, hopeful. Instead of trying to eat the gender elephant whole, I have actually been learning to take small steps. That's really what I'd tell anyone on this path, or any path. You gotta go slow. Don't wait, but don't hurry. It's sooooooooo true.

Let's see. What would I want to see happen in the coming year. A bunch of things, probably:

- more clothes that I can wear publicly. Slowly change things as to be more me and less shocking than just showing up in a dress one day. That's not the way to do it. They say to just rip off the band-aid quickly, but I don't like pain. I don't want to feel it, and I don't like causing it. So, slowly boiling the others alive as I change is the way to go.
- continue to show my wife and kids that I am better if allowed to embrace and not suppress myself. I need my family to stay together, FOR MY KIDS. I need to feel confident enough to get them through these high school years. After that, all bets are off. I'm not thinking further than that.
- I'd like to try HRT, at least at a low level. As emotional as I get, I still can't help but think hormones would bring my body and mind more in tune with each other. Even a little bit closer would help. Some mild physical changes would be fine too.
- To have more people in real life who know Shannyn like my friends online do. I need to shed this defensive cloak I wear all the time. Duality can be cool at times, but I'm not schizophrenic. I'm one person, and I'd like to live one life someday. So baby steps towards that this coming year.
- I want to find more ways to help people. Especially trans people. That's becoming more and more something I think about. I want to get past my shyness and know that I helped somebody. It's something to work on. Who knows, it might lead to a new career one day. That would be super, too.
- In general, I want to be able to see more of my friends in real life, not just interact online. Maybe make more new friends too. I guess that all goes back to the idea of one life, not two. I can dream, if nothing else.
- I'd be delighted to hear other trans girls made the progress in 2019 that I made in 2018.

Lastly, I think I want to learn to love. I want to take the best qualities of Shannyn and let them shine. Online, I'm pretty decent at letting people know they are important to me. I want to take that further. Like I blogged a month or so ago, I truly do want it to be a little more of others and a little less of (about) me.

Happy New Year everyone!!!