Duality Is Not So Great Sometimes

I sleep alone.

My toenails are painted 90% of the time.



My panties and a few clothes are stored between the mattress and box spring where I sleep. The rest is in totes in the garage. I pull a pair of panties out most days of the week. Sometimes it's just natural to do that, like it's becoming with a few other articles of clothing. But some days I ask myself why I insist on wearing those things. Some days, I just wear as much male clothes as I can. Now that I have the red shoes, I can finally do that again without wearing big uncomfortable men's dress shoes.

My hair, what there is of it, is growing. I've only had one trim since June. It's still not all that long, but it curls and can be pretty unruly. Most days I use hairspray to control it when I'm out at work. Or a baseball cap. I twirl the curl at the back on my right side so often that I make my arm hurt. It's fun. Not the hurt, the twirling. I'm not a fan of pain.

My family thinks my hair looks ridiculous. Jokes and other blunt statements have been made in an effort to try to get me to cut it. Those have kinda stopped at least, as I think my wife realizes, finally maybe just a tiny bit, the struggle I have inside. And she knows the snide comments can hurt. Her anger has lessened enough, at the moment at least, to where she can hold back from lashing out over the deep mess she thinks I have made of out of our lives.

I sleep alone. And not all that well. In the past, I would lay there, on my spare bed, waking repeatedly and listening to podcasts to stop my own thoughts that will churn and make me try to figure out the meaning of life at 3 am. Nothing is getting solved at 3 am. I think I've mostly learned that, and so now, if I wake up and think it's going to be tough to sleep more, I move to the couch and turn on the TV. At 2 am, 3 am, 4 am. It seems to help. Most times I'm back asleep in 5 minutes.

I'm writing this on a Sunday morning. I didn't bother to sleep in the bed, since it is the weekend, I knew I could chance the uncomfort of the couch. I stayed up till around 1 am, and was surprised to sleep until about 7:30. That was nice. I've been in and out of sleep since, till maybe an hour ago. In that time, I'm always cognizant of where my feet are. Are they under the blanket?

I'm having to be careful because my toes aren't seen by my family. Socks are ever-present. But I don't like to sleep in them. In my spare room with the door closed, it's not too big a deal if the toes are not under the cover. But on the couch, my children pass me going back and forth. Even black toenail polish with require some explaining. At times I think, oh just let them see. One less secret. No big deal. But mostly I know not to rock the boat. Expecially at times when my wife is less hostile.

That's an example of the wavering I do all the time. A microcosm of the larger issue at hand. Reveal and be free, with consequences, or stay imprisoned. The imprisonment does weird things to the mind. I perceive, STILL, that perhaps it's a dumb idea to want to express myself as feminine and trans. The picture in my mind of myself in the full outfit I wore to work a couple weeks ago is there, telling me, you didn't flatter those clothes. They might feel good, but your body does not make them look good.

Later today, or tomorrow, when this phase shifts, I'll be back to confident Shannyn. At least more confident. I'll probably wear what I wear to work tomorrow and feel great about it, no matter what it looks like. I'll feel happier. Duality does that. Back and forth, back and forth. All the time. Makes me want to just freaking pick a gender and be that. Unless its male. OMG, I don't want that gender.

Do other trans girls feel like this, the back and forth? Or are trans girls more solid in knowing what their truth is? Do you, YOU, feel like I do?

Oh that last line was so cheesy. You'd swear I was a Frampton freak or something. It's a great album and all, but sheesh. Oh well, I digress...................

Comments

  1. i feel for you Shannyn and know how you feel when my friends and family found out i was bi

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel for you Shannyn as well, I know how sweet you are and hurts to see you trouble. I do remember the days of hiding everything, and it was always a strain if my girlfriend would find anything, or come home early if I was dressed. Hang in there sweetie. Stephie

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Comment here

Popular Posts