Curveball

The past few days, I've had a lot rattling around in my head. More even than usual. I meant to write on the weekend, but I didn't. Partly because I had done a bunch of work in my garage, trying to deal with clutter out there, and partly because I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to write.

I'm still not sure, but here goes. I apologize in advance if this one turns out to be more of an attempt at self-therapy, than helping others. I always want to have something that maybe can be taken as helpful by somebody other than me.

I have been humming right along lately, not really getting to appear feminine, but being generally content and able to ride things out. The gender dysphoria, calmed greatly by taking the hormones (both Estradiol and Spironolactone) has been not so much an issue. At least from an identity standpoint. I know who I am, and I know what I'm not. Right now, for the most part, I can work within that framework.

I haven't had a day where I was able to look "really feminine" since February. There was one day where I could have, but I got frustrated with it all and aborted. It's so hard to go from zero-to-fully-dressed-with-makeup-and-accessories when you rarely get a chance to try. At my house, there's always someone home, and to keep things from being really terrible, I incorporate my femininity subtly. Not rocking the boat. I've talked about this before.

With that said, a couple things happened last week that I found curious. About how I acted and reacted. One has happened before, and the other is new.

The first is that, I suddenly began experiencing frustration at the inability to present myself totally as I want to. The time factor, the lack-of-practise factor, and the lack of money for my "hobby" add up to the occasional bit of feeling like I'm in a cage or prison. And not in any kind of BDSM "good" way, either.

Th other thing that's new, and the reason I'm titling this post "Curveball" is the result of a medical issue. I'm glad I know about it, but still, my mind has wandered a bit, and very likely, I'm over-reacting totally. I need more info before I should worry about anything. However, I'm shaken a bit, I just can't help it, no matter how even keel I've been lately. I felt like I've been thrown a curveball, and I'm unsure I can hit it. Again, probably over-reacting.

To begin with, I'm diabetic, Type 2. Known it for years, and while it's controlled, it's not controlled well. I have issues eating the right foods and avoiding things like soda. Perhaps related, perhaps not, I went to see the doctor (who I see for my HRT) a couple weeks ago. This was because I'd been feeling a bit tired and weak recently. They drew labs, a few things were off, and I went back last week to have labs taken again, in case, as the doctor said, any of it was a fluke.

Last Friday, I got the results in a call from the doctor. It was pretty much the same from the first set of labs. A1C high (no surprise), cholesterol off a bit (surprising in that it was under control for years), and my liver function off a bit as well (very surprising, this is the new thing I mentioned earlier). The doctor recommended I cut my Spiro in half for a while, and see a specialist for the liver function. It might be just the diabetes, and then again, it might not.

Cutting the Spiro: that's the thing that has shaken me. It's possibly kinda dumb to think of this as the big deal, as opposed to the other items that need to be handled, but cutting that Spiro is messing with my identity. By taking one pill every other day instead of every day, I'm basically going from my 100 mg dose back to the original of 50. And I don't like that. I just don't. What if I can't keep being a girl, at least on the inside? Who am I then?

Why would me decreasing the T-blocker, when my T is naturally very low, upset me? Wouldn't it be worse if I had to cut the Estrogen? And maybe this is not forever. I need more info. I need to see the specialist. I'm proud that I'm being smart and doing the HRT under medical supervision. It scares me more than ever to think other trans girls are doing HRT on their own. You shouldn't do that. If you read this and you aren't seeing a doctor periodically, try to see one. It could save you a lot of grief later.

Back to my silliness. I'm not sure, but, since my femininity is wrapped around the low-level HRT I've been on, maybe that's why I'm upset that something could jeopardize that. I'm not getting to go out and express myself like others can. But I have those meds in my body. They make me feel so much better. I don't want that taken away from me.

As for the frustration with not getting to present myself the way I want to, most days I can handle that. Some days it just eats at me. My progress in that regard is just stalled. The progress I made last fall is now creeping up on a year ago. I need some me time. I'm not sure where or when I can get it.

I was hoping that after writing all this, I'd feel better, and I might've found the positive in these recent feelings and events. It so often does. I will continue to think and process, and I'm sure I'll come around. I know there have been positive developments lately as well. I need to write about those, too.

I'll close by saying, it'd be great to hear from any of you that reads this. Any encouragement would be great to hear. Or reach out if you need someone to talk to. Helping others is such a great therapy in itself. I'm here for you, too. Thanks for reading.