The Choice

It's 1:30 AM, on a Tuesday. I need to be up for work later, but here I am, potentially crafting a coherent sentence or two. You be the judge.

I got home an hour ago from a side job I occasionally do; made a few extra bucks. Ole Shann needs a chunk of that change before the naughty people who send the bills get the rest. We shall see. At this point, if you're placing a bet, put your money on it turning into a cheeseburger more than a new pair of shoes.

Choosing food over clothes is an issue. It's a choice I make, and often a problem. I did buy two tops last week, so that was good. Bought pizza before that, but whatever. New clothes!

Onto the choice I intended to talk about in this post. It's inspired something I saw on Twitter from another trans girl I follow, which in turn reminded me of a conversation my wife and I had again the other night.

We were discussing how we are pretty much over except for the kids, etc. In the midst of this, and the blame being all in me, as usual, I mentioned as I have in the past that if I could choose to not be trans, I would. It's true. It's pretty sad to think that the much better person Shannyn is than that "other guy" might not exist, but there's a lot to be said for safety and an easier life.

I can't choose safety and an easier life anymore. Tried it, didn't work. My wife believes that, and maybe this is progress?, that maybe I can't choose whether I'm trans, but I can choose whether to act on it or not. She believes that for the good of the family, and in following God, I should bury my desires and suffer if necessary.

Sorry. I believe in God, and I refuse to believe He would want me to suffer. I might be 1000% wrong, but I just can't see it. If I feel better, being the real me, I can help others, which I yearn to do. And MY belief is that helping my fellow humans is more important than my appearance. I can't help anyone while stuck in dysphoria hell.

And there you have it....the choice is made. I choose to post this rambling nonsense at 1:53 AM on a Tuesday when I need to be up later (sooner, now).


  1. Shannyn, I think we have all faced this, at least to some degree. Some have had worse responses from family and relatives. Some have had better. Early on, I was told "baby steps" and it got me to a point where we do understand each other's feelings.

    You probably already have gone through this, but watch out for the "pink fog". Under the influence of the "pink fog" you can do things that you might later regret. Happened to me and many of my local friends.

    Calie xx

  2. Hi Shannyn,
    I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is not doing well. Do you feel the main reason is the trans issue or are there other issues a foot? Just wondering if there is any avenue available for reconciliation and restoration in your relationship.
    Sorry to be so personal in my first comment on your blog!

    This line caught my eye especially: "I can't help anyone while stuck in dysphoria hell." Not knowing you I, of course, can't say for sure, but it certainly seems to me that you may still be able to help others, serve others, no matter where your mental health stands. As a self-professed believer in God, I would say look to Him for the desire, ability, and love for others needed to help them.

    Perhaps you can help others deal with their dysphoria, after all hopefully this scripture applies to you: "He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Cor. 1:4
    Also applicable is this scripture: "Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2 So, even if you feel you have not yet received comfort from God in your affliction, you can still help bear another's burden . . .

  3. I disturbed by this sentence: “She believes that for the good of the family, and in following God, I should bury my desires and suffer if necessary.” I can understand why Shannon’s wife terms Shannon’s need to express her authentic self as a desire but that is completely wrong.

    Being our authentic selves is not merely a desire, it is necessary for fulfillment and existence. This is true for anyone, trans or not. Disallowing ourselves to be authentic is a recipe for ruination and suicide.

  4. First off, I'm sorry to hear your partner seems to be trying to get you into a bind. Playing of who you are versus your beliefs. There can be a lot of anguish when our core values are pushed against.

    From a faith / no faith position, you are who you are. Being T, well, it's a core part of yourself and to try and deny such an intrinsic element of you, that seems unlikely at best and dangerous at worst.

    In not being ourselves - and that's not to say one should abandon comprise and do anything - we increase the mental burden is guarding what we say, masking behaviour, and - so often the case - doing things in secret. There's also the risk of snapping where a T person can't take the stress and they 'blow out' by doing something that offers temporary respite (leg wax, ear piercing, etc) but upsets the relationship.

    If it's any help, the road to acceptance has two paths: yours and your partner's. There's the grief cycle (Kubler Ross) that shows the rollercoaster we ride when there's sudden and not always welcome change. If you can, keep talking and both compromise where you can to help move forward slowly. There will be ups and downs, but that's true of everything in life. Good luck to you both. ♥️

  5. Dear Shannyn,
    Your share hits home w/ me. Having survived 61 years of "dysphoria hell" myself, my marriage of 22 years, 28 yrs my chosen one and I were together, dissolved legally in March 2012. I came very close to ending my life. Be yourself, everyone else is taken. To thine ownself be true, and let the chips fall where they may. Trust God, clean house, and help others. If you see someone w/o a smile, give them one of yours. 😊


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