Calm

I had a net-positive experience last night. "Net-positive" sounds exciting, right? The reason I say it this way is because it wasn't completely without issue. Read to the end to see why. Still, I'm happy with happened. But first, I want to mention something that I think is important for people to consider.

Mental health is a precious thing. If you are doing well, if your frame of mind is generally good, pause a moment and realize your good fortune. In the moment, you are WELL. You may not have been well in the past, even 5 minutes ago. And, who knows what the future holds.

End of the Public Service Announcement. LOL. As I write this, I'm good, too. My mental health is as good as it's been in a long, long time. Next week, I celebrate six months on HRT, and have what I believe will be a good status update/retrospective to share here. Today's post is sort of a warm-up to that.

As my week progressed the past few days, I still wondered why I had been down on Monday and came out of it Tuesday, but didn't dwell on it. I had coped my way through it. And I did well at work. In particular on Thursday, I was just LOCKED IN. That feeling like you know EXACTLY what you are doing, and you are able to accomplish what you want to accomplish. It was so good.

I had known going into the week that I would be working late on Friday. This caused the pink fog kicked in, but only slightly. That's because, being late at the office, the opportunity to up my girl game for a little bit was going to be there. I had fleeting grand illusions of somehow dressing fully, and maybe going to the Target down the street. I nixed that plan, as it was more than I was prepared for, and, who does that, anyway? I wimped out/was reasonable and decided I would wear my new jeggings and sandals in the office and home.

And here is where the idea of being in a good mental place comes in. To have my tiny fun, I needed to finish the work week. Reality never steps aside in my life. Yours either, I assume. I'm learning to work within the framework I have. And therein I have somehow found CALM. I have found strength and I have found joy, despite the odds stacked against me. This week, I became unflappable in doing the best I could under the pressures of work, and I did not freak out planning for my little "excursion". In the past, I have often, often found myself wanting to shy away, call in sick, and lose focus when things got tough. Not this time.

I had the presence of mind to know that I did not create the stressful situation I was in. I was not alone. My bosses were not freaking out, so why should I? I found myself, Shannyn (in my male disguise), actually helping a co-worker who was obviously stressed (and did call out on Wednesday) to realize it, too. I hope she took it to heart, because she's our best and I don't want to lose her from the team.

Calm. As anyone with dysphoria knows, calm can be elusive. All the processing for two genders between the ears, the presenting of one while being another, the endless scheming and trying to find SOME WAY forward. It's tiring. But, I feel the calm right now. I'm also scared to death that it will leave me, just as it did before. I don't take it for granted anymore. More about that in another post, soon.

So, how did the week end, you may ask. I can tell you that I did accomplish my modest goal. I changed into my jeggings and sandals to show off my still-blue toes (time for a change, I know!) and I worked the last couple hours, on my never-ending conference call, sitting at my desk in an empty office. And when it was time to go, I just left. I walked off the floor into the elevator, noting that I was more ME than I've ever been in an elevator. Then I walked out of the lobby, past a disinterested security guard, and out to the parking deck. I paused only to snap a few pics along the way (elevator, stairwell, getting in the car). The experience was really so small that it feels lame to describe it, but it just felt so good. I need MORE. I will have it, too!

Lastly, the kinda-negative part which shows that I was still CALM. Nearing home, I knew we had visitors at the house, even though it was late. So I stopped along the way to change back into my regular jeans, socks and shoes. About ten minutes out, I realized: my wallet was not in my pocket. I searched my bag, as best I could in the dark car while driving. Told myself, "don't panic". Could not find it. Once home in the driveway, checked again. Same thing. No wallet.

This could have left anyone really worried. And I did, worry, a little. I determined that I probably somehow had it fall out in the office at my desk. And it should still be there. I managed to not worry much, slept a decent amount, and calmly drove back to the office (without a license, yeah, I know that's bad). And sure enough, it had fallen under my desk. Thank God, it was there. End of story. Would've been difficult to explain had I not found it. WHEW!