Three-headed Scary Authentication Plan (T.H.S.A.P.)
And now...for something only slightly different...
The reason I say different is because I am about to open myself up to a little more of my immediate, real world. This is exciting because it feels like progress. It is my new counselor, Meredith, with whom I had an excellent session this morning. And who has given me homework. And who I'm letting read my year and a half of good days, bad days and going-half-mad days.
I'll keep this short, because this post is like "pre-writing". My assignment is to try to formulate words to help me explain my status to those who are important to me, and might POSSIBLY understand where I'm coming from. That's the hope. A large hope, granted.
I have had a lot of thought swirling around in my mind lately about how to continue to become more authentic while keeping the collateral damage to a minimum. I really want those who know me, more specifically my family, to at least have a basis of who I REALLY am. To perhaps smooth out what they think by getting a clearer picture straight from me, as opposed to scattered attempts over the past year or more (really only my mom), in the case of all but my wife.
The plan I have come up with, and need to flesh out, is to maybe, just maybe, get brave enough to inform my extended family about all this in some way, to take some of the pressure I have always felt while hiding behind my facade. Almost all of them live far from me anyway, and through one way or another over the many years, I haven't communicated much with them. Outside my home, it's basically my mom and dad, my brother, and the occasional cousin interaction. So, the damage to me of negative reaction from the larger family group might be small.
So, it's all risky. Is it worth the risk? It really feels that way. More and more. In my imagination, I anticipate potentially two things:
1. Some sort of long-winded Facebook post or something, targeted at just family members. I'm not a big fan of Facebook, but it is definitely a way to blow out a message to a large group at once.
2. There's a sort of reunion back home next summer, which I probably can't get to, but if I could, I could go and maybe not be hiding quite so much. Not a full, "here comes Shannyn" event, that's not how I operate, but just have everyone less in the dark. I do have a desire to see them all, in general. In a relaxed way.
To achieve this, and what leads to my homework, is the T.H.S.A.P. (read the post title, I'm not typing it again, LOL). So named because of, well, it's kinda obvious...
1. Get on proper footing with my children. Try to remove some incorrect assumptions they may have about me. That way, they are a little more prepared, and not blind-sided by, anything that comes from...
2. Me getting everything out to my parents and brother. This feels like a "keep-it-to-yourself-for-now" letter and perhaps phone or video sessions. Since we don't live close by. That would help THEM not be blind-sided by...
3. The revelation of status to the rest of the family. As described above, just a way to say, "here I am, this is what and who I am, this is why and how I have arrived at this stage, and if you ever wondered why I've been shy/quiet/aloof/weird, maybe now you understand a bit better".
Thus, I'm going after stage 1. Seems better than the reverse order of steps. I've been contemplating this for at least a year. I dream of just taking my kids aside, one at a time or together, and just seeing what they think. Telling them the facts. Opening up to questions. Make them feel safe and supported despite some change or potential change that has got to be, frankly, damn scary.
How to do that? If I knew, I might have done it already. I owe it to them, and myself, to at least try. It feels like the responsible parent thing to do. But, speaking of scary, I'm petrified of this course of action. Things have been a bit better at home lately, and what if I lose that by confirming their fears that maybe they've had for a long time? I dunno, but I have to figure out.
And that's my homework. I'm hoping to get a good grade. I'm open to suggestions in the comments, or any prayers or good vibes anyone who reads this can send my way. I hope it happens sooner than later, but again: SCARY. I'll keep you all posted.
The reason I say different is because I am about to open myself up to a little more of my immediate, real world. This is exciting because it feels like progress. It is my new counselor, Meredith, with whom I had an excellent session this morning. And who has given me homework. And who I'm letting read my year and a half of good days, bad days and going-half-mad days.
I'll keep this short, because this post is like "pre-writing". My assignment is to try to formulate words to help me explain my status to those who are important to me, and might POSSIBLY understand where I'm coming from. That's the hope. A large hope, granted.
I have had a lot of thought swirling around in my mind lately about how to continue to become more authentic while keeping the collateral damage to a minimum. I really want those who know me, more specifically my family, to at least have a basis of who I REALLY am. To perhaps smooth out what they think by getting a clearer picture straight from me, as opposed to scattered attempts over the past year or more (really only my mom), in the case of all but my wife.
The plan I have come up with, and need to flesh out, is to maybe, just maybe, get brave enough to inform my extended family about all this in some way, to take some of the pressure I have always felt while hiding behind my facade. Almost all of them live far from me anyway, and through one way or another over the many years, I haven't communicated much with them. Outside my home, it's basically my mom and dad, my brother, and the occasional cousin interaction. So, the damage to me of negative reaction from the larger family group might be small.
So, it's all risky. Is it worth the risk? It really feels that way. More and more. In my imagination, I anticipate potentially two things:
1. Some sort of long-winded Facebook post or something, targeted at just family members. I'm not a big fan of Facebook, but it is definitely a way to blow out a message to a large group at once.
2. There's a sort of reunion back home next summer, which I probably can't get to, but if I could, I could go and maybe not be hiding quite so much. Not a full, "here comes Shannyn" event, that's not how I operate, but just have everyone less in the dark. I do have a desire to see them all, in general. In a relaxed way.
To achieve this, and what leads to my homework, is the T.H.S.A.P. (read the post title, I'm not typing it again, LOL). So named because of, well, it's kinda obvious...
1. Get on proper footing with my children. Try to remove some incorrect assumptions they may have about me. That way, they are a little more prepared, and not blind-sided by, anything that comes from...
2. Me getting everything out to my parents and brother. This feels like a "keep-it-to-yourself-for-now" letter and perhaps phone or video sessions. Since we don't live close by. That would help THEM not be blind-sided by...
3. The revelation of status to the rest of the family. As described above, just a way to say, "here I am, this is what and who I am, this is why and how I have arrived at this stage, and if you ever wondered why I've been shy/quiet/aloof/weird, maybe now you understand a bit better".
Thus, I'm going after stage 1. Seems better than the reverse order of steps. I've been contemplating this for at least a year. I dream of just taking my kids aside, one at a time or together, and just seeing what they think. Telling them the facts. Opening up to questions. Make them feel safe and supported despite some change or potential change that has got to be, frankly, damn scary.
How to do that? If I knew, I might have done it already. I owe it to them, and myself, to at least try. It feels like the responsible parent thing to do. But, speaking of scary, I'm petrified of this course of action. Things have been a bit better at home lately, and what if I lose that by confirming their fears that maybe they've had for a long time? I dunno, but I have to figure out.
And that's my homework. I'm hoping to get a good grade. I'm open to suggestions in the comments, or any prayers or good vibes anyone who reads this can send my way. I hope it happens sooner than later, but again: SCARY. I'll keep you all posted.
A few years back, my middle child, having been quite depressed for some time, revealed that she was having gender issues. Feeling more male than female sometimes. My wife and I had been talking about revealing my other self to her for years, but there were no immediate plans to do so.
ReplyDeleteWhen our daughter shared her feelings, I glanced at my wife. She gave me the slightest nod. And I proceeded to tell a short version of my story.
I don't know that it helped, but she took a real interest in my efforts. She even attended a couple of support meetings with me in full Leslie mode, something that never happens at home. Good bonding!
You're a fine writer, Shannyn. I love a direct, eloquent, proofread post. You consistently provide them.
Looking forward to hearing results of the THSAP. Good luck!
Leslie
Leslie, thank you for sharing more of your story. Thats a big thing: I want to try to find out how they feel, to get my side. Until I know how they feel, what they know, I know nothing. Thanks for the compliments, too. I always want whatI write to maybe mean something to someone else.
ReplyDelete