Hello out there. I just wanted to pass along some good news. Yesterday, I managed to get up the courage to talk to my son about me.
My son is a young teenager. He's a great kid. Super smart, mostly courteous and very well-behaved, and like his dad, pretty shy and quiet. He, along with his older sister, is absolutely my heart. Even if I am often unsure how to show it.
I had it in mind to talk to him as he was not at school yesterday. And when I was up early and had emotions going (I wrote a long blog post at 5 AM yesterday; I'm still deciding whether to post it), apparently the time was right. Finally. I didn't do all the prep I had planned but had rehearsed it my head many times. I suppose my heart was ready to open up.
The title of this says "quick" and it shall be. I asked him if he had any questions for me, about me, and I definitely stammered some at first. Getting started was hardest. When he didn't have anything to say or ask, I just told him I loved him and was trying to do better and had been scared to talk about this stuff with him, for fear of rejection. I proceeded to go into a high-level history of my dressing and self-discovery, the guilt, the shame, the stopping and starting, and purging. About how I thought getting married would rid me of my needs. About how I had broken down a few years ago and decided I couldn't completely run from it anymore, that it's part of me. And that by stopping trying to bury my feminine leanings, I actually feel better and feel I can better provide for them.
I did not specifically say I was trans, or my preferred name. I didn't get very specific, and kinda wish I had been more direct, but it is what it is. I didn't ask for anything from him at all. He doesn't have to accept it, and can say anything he wants to me, good bad or ugly. I just needed to tell my side of the story, because it was killing me that they might not understand, or that anything they did understand was solely from my wife's point of view. And get some idea of what he thinks about it all.
I was just glad to be heard. I cried a few times, but not as much as I expected. I told him I hoped he still loved me, and he said he did, and always would. I can't ask for more than that. The weight feels less afterward. Still many steps to go through on my road to peace of mind, and it's one step at a time. As a wise woman recently said, it's the small victories that can mean so much.
In closing, I hope this message finds you well, and I will add to the chorus of trans people who will tell you if you are still on the side of not having revealed yourself, that it IS possible to come clean. You have to follow your heart and have the hearts of those close to you in mind when you do so. I did my best, believe it or not, to make it not about me, but about THEM. We all have different circumstances and I certainly don't want to push anyone towards something that's not right for them. Just know, if your heart is true, that can go a long way when you sincerely show it.
Have a wonderful day....