Small Victories

I was proud of myself yesterday.

Things have not been going well at home lately, and so dealing with that has been making me grateful to have an office and a job to go to. With the holidays now behind us, we all can't help but look forward to what the new year (and decade!) might bring to our lives.

2020 feels like the year where a lot will change, more than any other year of recent memory. My daughter is set to graduate high school before the summer arrives, my son will be moving forward to high school in the fall, and there seems a strong possibility my current 4-person family unit will no longer exist. That last thing is a big part of why I am glad to go to the office against after being off for a good portion of the holiday season.

Enough of that negative stuff though. If you are still with me, a few words about why I was proud of myself yesterday. Pride isn't easy to find, have, or maintain for me. I have to say, as Thursday turned into Friday, I was concerned about the impending weekend. I worried about hanging around at home, accomplishing nothing while seeing all the breakage that surrounds us all there in the house. I'm proud to report that I was able to combat that to a greater extent than I usually am capable of.

I find myself lately using the phrase, "small victories" both in describing things I have done or in trying to let those who I am in contact with that they too are experiencing strides forward. Despite a strong tendency towards self-centeredness, I am quite conscious that many of us can use a little bit of encouragement from time to time. And so, when I recognize it in the deeds and actions of others, I try to make a note. Sometimes all I can say, besides the usual "Cool!" or "Good job!" is "small victories". We all should do that if we can for those who can use the boost. Whether it's being a trans person or anyone in any other situation on the planet, most of us struggle with something. If we inch forward, that's progress and should be recognized.

The most important person that should recognize and cast a light on these bits of progress, these "small victories", is ourselves.

So, why was I proud of myself yesterday? There were three things. Two were achievements rooted more in procrastination and fear of the unknown than anything else, and the other was more a point of strategic self-care. And joy. These may seem so very trivial if you don't know my mind, but they made a difference to that mind of mine, and writing about it, however briefly, helps a little more. Small victories.

Small victories shall get small notes here. It's not like I set the woods on fire. Firstly, the most important task I had was to have the oil in my car changed. I have been procrastinating on that, and as one who has actually killed an engine by the neglect of this needed maintenance (hey, I was about 16 at the time! and it wasn't MY car), I knew I had to get it done. I drive a lot, and my days to get it done are now few, being back to work.

I wound up changing the oil by myself, despite the fact I don't like the dirtiness of such activity anymore. I had to, it was going to cost double to have it done for me. With some help from God, I did it without much strife, which is usually not the case. I'm not good at this "guy stuff", and usually struggle a lot. That's the fear factor: the difficulty of the task. This time it was a breeze. Thank God. Literally.

The second was by no means necessary, but it made me happy nonetheless. I had some Kohl's cash that was about to expire (from a couple of the few Christmas gifts we bought this year), so I purchased for myself a new sweater. It's a red turtleneck, and I think it is very me. I hope to use it if I can get out to a movie or something during this frigid Georgia winter. Ok, cooler, not frigid. Whatever. I don't get to treat myself hardly ever, so that felt nice to be able to buy. Essentially free isn't bad, either.

The thing I am most proud of came in the middle of the other activities, finally getting done after more procrastination and a bit of fear of the unknown. I joined my local library and checked out a book. I have not been part of a library since I was a little kid, having chosen all these years to buy my own books, which became something I've done less and less over the years. I did not know what to expect from an American library, silly as it seems, and social nervousness was part of it as well. I'd first thought of joining back in the fall, as the library was next store to the local tag (license plate) renewal office. But I didn't do it. Until now.

Joining the library is a small thing, but important to me in that it has suddenly become somewhere I can go when I need to get away from the house, etc. There are people there to interact with, even if only slightly, it being a quiet library and all. I have to expand my horizons outside work and home, so I'm happy about the small step. I see it as a stepping stone to other social places and activities. It seems lame, but for 20 years, my life has been work, home (literally home in the house) and online. Not much else. I took a step forward. I needed it, and I achieved it.

Heading back to work tomorrow, I feel like my weekend was worth it this time, not just wasted time. I did something very necessary, another thing seemingly unnecessary but good anyway, and I have sown the seeds of more going forward. Small victories indeed.