Walk A Mile In Her Heels - Leanne from Oz
For this latest edition of the "Walk A Mile In Her Heels" series, I've decided to try something new. I'm presenting my conversation with Leanne in article format, instead of straight-up Q &A. Hope you like it. Feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts on the format.
For some of you who know me, I added "from Oz" to the title, so as to not confuse with another Leanne in my life. It's a special name, and "Leanne from Oz" is a great lady I didn't know much about but wanted to get to know. Without further ado, let's take a walk in Leanne's heels. Or at least a kilometer in her heels. Metric rocks!
Previously in the "Walk A Mile In Her Heels" series: Suzi Chrissy Erica Tawni
Leanne (from Oz)'s personal motto is to "treat people as you wish to be treated". Sounds so very simple, and shared by many people, but is it practiced as often as it's said? One would hope so, and after getting to know Leanne a little bit, I think she practices what she believes in.
There are a couple of reasons I wanted to have an extended conversation with her, the first being my usual general curiosity of anyone in the transgender community, and more so, I wanted to zero in on her successful relationship with her wife, to see what could be learned and share that with others who might be struggling in the relationship area. As you'll see, today's successes came after much learning and no small amount of heartbreak.
Leanne began her evolution in "the late '60s, so it was the era of the Beatles, Vietnam war and changing fashion of that era: short mini skirts for girls and longer hair for males." As with most people, she took her early cues from older siblings and the fashions of the time. She says her earliest memories of "dressing" were around 7 or 8 years old.
She chose her name because of a classmate around this same age, "a very cute blonde girl in a sea of brunettes." She admired the girl's beauty, describing it as "the ultimate, at least in the eyes of a 7-year-old boy." A shift in her attitude towards girls then occurred at a birthday party she attended where she saw all the girls in "a kaleidoscope of swirling colours" and afterward realized she was jealous of their pretty party dresses and didn't want to dress as the boring boy she felt like.
I noted during the discussion that some of the comfort of dressing in her preferred mode whenever she could was at least partly in response to the stresses of home life. This seems to play a part in the need of many trans folks. I've learned that being trans and not dealing with it in a healthy way can adversely affect the ability to cope with the other stresses of life. It can feel like a chicken-and-egg situation many times as to which causes the other within us.
Leanne was candid in relating how the first unveiling affected her. "I sat her down on a quiet weekend and opened up about my struggles and need to dress. I can recall being a tangle of nerves; it may have been less than an eloquent speech. She looked stunned and I felt her physically move away from me. Once the genie was out of the bottle, it can’t go back. She told me straight that this was not something she could cope with."
"The experience brought back the comments of my Mother from my childhood that no woman could love me because I dressed. So, it was a watershed moment and it did affect my relationship with women. I still enjoyed their company both socially and sexually but I felt uneasy about taking it to a permanent level as I feared rejection. As my friends developed relationships and married, I just felt isolated and grew insular."
"When I told my next partner, she accepted me and had thought that I was always a bit 'girly' in her eyes. We had a long and mostly happy relationship. She taught me the pleasure of waxing as, in her words, I needed to feel like a woman, even the painful bits! But she also had a volatile, almost volcanic, temper which often flared up and my dressing became a whipping horse for anything that had gone wrong. That's why that relationship ultimately ended."
Her wife these days is loving and "also my adviser on clothing, makeup, and hair. She has also attended meetings and met others like me at Seahorse (TG/CD organisation). But I still know at times she is not in the mood to see Leanne and still has questions and worries." I asked her more about the dynamic, and she passed on some advice that I think is very, very important:
"You need to understand the wives'/partners' need for space and take the time to accommodate her feelings. I once read in the support group newsletter that when you open up and tell your partner/wife your deepest secret you feel much lighter as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. But be careful that you have not merely transferred that weight onto her shoulders.” Plus, always treat them as if they are the primary woman in the relationship. Even when you have a time to dress you still need to chase out any spider that has the nerve to cross the threshold. A man’s job even in a pretty dress!"
Leanne went on to add that she takes a lot of cues from her wife, which can be both subtle and direct. "She can be blunt and tell me she is not in a good frame of mind to see Leanne. But, after being together for over a decade, there is also the unspoken communication between old married couples. A look can tell me that either she doesn’t want to see me dressed or that Leanne might have overstayed her welcome and should curtail her time SOON! There are of course other times when she will say “you seem a little on edge, why don’t you dress for awhile?“
I especially like hearing about that open communication where the spouse has the ability to share her feelings and not be uncomfortable, yet still understand the needs of the trans woman to express herself, seeing the calming effects and joy that presenting as one desires so often brings. As with all successful relationships, it does take a lot of work, continual effort on both sides to keep the other feeling important, safe and loved.
As we are wont to do here at SCA in my interview series, I asked Leanne about what music she likes, and while she harkens back to groups and singers of her youth, such as "the Stones, Beatles, The EasyBeats, Sam Cook and The Supremes", her favorite song is Bruce Springsteen's "Born To Run". Another that she shared which I had not heard before, and is just BEAUTIFUL, is kd Lang's rendition of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah". I'll share both of these here and thank Leanne for her time and great insight into her life.
For some of you who know me, I added "from Oz" to the title, so as to not confuse with another Leanne in my life. It's a special name, and "Leanne from Oz" is a great lady I didn't know much about but wanted to get to know. Without further ado, let's take a walk in Leanne's heels. Or at least a kilometer in her heels. Metric rocks!
Previously in the "Walk A Mile In Her Heels" series: Suzi Chrissy Erica Tawni
Leanne (from Oz)'s personal motto is to "treat people as you wish to be treated". Sounds so very simple, and shared by many people, but is it practiced as often as it's said? One would hope so, and after getting to know Leanne a little bit, I think she practices what she believes in.
There are a couple of reasons I wanted to have an extended conversation with her, the first being my usual general curiosity of anyone in the transgender community, and more so, I wanted to zero in on her successful relationship with her wife, to see what could be learned and share that with others who might be struggling in the relationship area. As you'll see, today's successes came after much learning and no small amount of heartbreak.
Leanne began her evolution in "the late '60s, so it was the era of the Beatles, Vietnam war and changing fashion of that era: short mini skirts for girls and longer hair for males." As with most people, she took her early cues from older siblings and the fashions of the time. She says her earliest memories of "dressing" were around 7 or 8 years old.
She chose her name because of a classmate around this same age, "a very cute blonde girl in a sea of brunettes." She admired the girl's beauty, describing it as "the ultimate, at least in the eyes of a 7-year-old boy." A shift in her attitude towards girls then occurred at a birthday party she attended where she saw all the girls in "a kaleidoscope of swirling colours" and afterward realized she was jealous of their pretty party dresses and didn't want to dress as the boring boy she felt like.
As she grew into a teen in the 1970's, she began to feel "a bit different from my male friends because I still had this secret urge to dress like a girl. The mid-'70s was my era of independence from home and school. I earned my first money from work enough to buy clothes."
I noted during the discussion that some of the comfort of dressing in her preferred mode whenever she could was at least partly in response to the stresses of home life. This seems to play a part in the need of many trans folks. I've learned that being trans and not dealing with it in a healthy way can adversely affect the ability to cope with the other stresses of life. It can feel like a chicken-and-egg situation many times as to which causes the other within us.
Nowadays, Leanne has a good, open relationship with her current wife, but as I discovered, it wasn't a straight-ahead path to where she is today. As she tells it, "it is always a work in progress when you are trans and in a relationship."
As with all relationships, learning about who we are with can come with a lot of pitfalls, and Leanne is no exception. I'll let her tell of her journey through the pursuit of a partnership that works with, and for, her. "The first (relationship in which she was able to tell her partner about Leanne) was when I was in my 20s and still at uni(versity). I told her, thinking she was very open-minded and liberal and that she loved me. But she ended it straight away. I guess that experience made me withdraw from long-term commitment with women."
Leanne was candid in relating how the first unveiling affected her. "I sat her down on a quiet weekend and opened up about my struggles and need to dress. I can recall being a tangle of nerves; it may have been less than an eloquent speech. She looked stunned and I felt her physically move away from me. Once the genie was out of the bottle, it can’t go back. She told me straight that this was not something she could cope with."
"The experience brought back the comments of my Mother from my childhood that no woman could love me because I dressed. So, it was a watershed moment and it did affect my relationship with women. I still enjoyed their company both socially and sexually but I felt uneasy about taking it to a permanent level as I feared rejection. As my friends developed relationships and married, I just felt isolated and grew insular."
This rejection greatly affected Leanne and her willingness to engage on more than a casual basis with women. She feared similar rejection, became more isolated, even growing a beard in an act of self-loathing, sabotaging her femme persona. She drank to excess to dull the emotional toll it was taking on her. But, she came around, and her spirit allowed her to try again.
"It took me till my late 30s to fight this self-loathing. I came to an important moment in my life where I decided that I would no longer be shutting out my need to dress and for Leanne to reappear and also to go out and date again. If I hadn’t, my life would have spiraled down to an early death! Maturity has its benefits! I finally accepted myself."
Acceptance. Of self. Without excessive editorializing, I think that truly is a major key to forward-movement in anything our heart desires. Leanne used this acceptance to go onto two more long-term relationships, the second of which she still enjoys today.
I asked her what might have made a difference with her current partner to allow them to have a healthy relationship. I wanted to learn any secrets she might be able to share, any tidbits that others who struggle might be able to leverage in their own relationships. She gave a lot of detail, including the stepping-stone with the second woman that was both enjoyable and a learning experience.
"When I told my next partner, she accepted me and had thought that I was always a bit 'girly' in her eyes. We had a long and mostly happy relationship. She taught me the pleasure of waxing as, in her words, I needed to feel like a woman, even the painful bits! But she also had a volatile, almost volcanic, temper which often flared up and my dressing became a whipping horse for anything that had gone wrong. That's why that relationship ultimately ended."
Her wife these days is loving and "also my adviser on clothing, makeup, and hair. She has also attended meetings and met others like me at Seahorse (TG/CD organisation). But I still know at times she is not in the mood to see Leanne and still has questions and worries." I asked her more about the dynamic, and she passed on some advice that I think is very, very important:
"You need to understand the wives'/partners' need for space and take the time to accommodate her feelings. I once read in the support group newsletter that when you open up and tell your partner/wife your deepest secret you feel much lighter as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. But be careful that you have not merely transferred that weight onto her shoulders.” Plus, always treat them as if they are the primary woman in the relationship. Even when you have a time to dress you still need to chase out any spider that has the nerve to cross the threshold. A man’s job even in a pretty dress!"
Leanne went on to add that she takes a lot of cues from her wife, which can be both subtle and direct. "She can be blunt and tell me she is not in a good frame of mind to see Leanne. But, after being together for over a decade, there is also the unspoken communication between old married couples. A look can tell me that either she doesn’t want to see me dressed or that Leanne might have overstayed her welcome and should curtail her time SOON! There are of course other times when she will say “you seem a little on edge, why don’t you dress for awhile?“
I especially like hearing about that open communication where the spouse has the ability to share her feelings and not be uncomfortable, yet still understand the needs of the trans woman to express herself, seeing the calming effects and joy that presenting as one desires so often brings. As with all successful relationships, it does take a lot of work, continual effort on both sides to keep the other feeling important, safe and loved.
As we are wont to do here at SCA in my interview series, I asked Leanne about what music she likes, and while she harkens back to groups and singers of her youth, such as "the Stones, Beatles, The EasyBeats, Sam Cook and The Supremes", her favorite song is Bruce Springsteen's "Born To Run". Another that she shared which I had not heard before, and is just BEAUTIFUL, is kd Lang's rendition of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah". I'll share both of these here and thank Leanne for her time and great insight into her life.
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