Not Enough Raindrops

Yup. Another song. Been stuck in my head for about a week.

There's a couple of reasons for that. A few, maybe. First, I recently watched Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid again, which is where this song started out. Then sometime later, I was listening to the Forrest Gump Soundtrack, and the song was there again (radio version this time). I think the third reason, if I  may, is because of me. I feel the optimism in the song, and my spirit just won't give up, no matter what. I come real darn close to giving up, but I never do.

If it's ok with you, I'll focus on a few of the lyrics, and let the thoughts they evoke drift to the surface.

Raindrops are falling on my head

And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed

Nothing seems to fit

Those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling

"Nothing seems to fit." Gee, that feels familiar. Except that the thoughts I always have are that it is ME who doesn't fit into things, not the other way around. Sometimes I can take it literally, like trying to find tops that will fit. I'm not really large, but I'm large enough to where so often, the arms are too short, or taper off too early and can't even be properly rolled up. Or heck, the darn thing is flat-out too short, not covering my torso. Can I get a show of hands if this happens to you?

More often, though, it's me not fitting in. Right now, I don't even feel like I can be part of trans or crossdresser groups, whether it's online, or, by some miracle, in-person were I to finally find one. I did locate one near me and am slowly trying to see what it's about. With COVID still around, the group seems kinda dormant since February, but I hope something some from it. They meet for dinner, etc., once a month, and already I am wondering if I can fit in there. You'd think I could, but all my hang-ups come to light when I think about it.

So, recently, I have withdrawn and have been occupying myself in other ways. My recent medical adventures and The Big Freak-out have thrown me off-kilter. I'm not even really able to chat with anyone except my two best allies. I just don't feel comfortable. Hopefully, it comes back, but like the song says, "Those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling."

My favorite part of the song, and the part I have been singing around the house constantly, is where the hope comes in, the determination:

But there's one thing I know

The blues they send to meet me

Won't defeat me, it won't be long

Till happiness steps up to greet me

In the radio version of the song, the singer B.J. Thomas really stretches out the words "I know" for musical emphasis, and that grabs at me. I love that part. I'm not even sure what keeps me going at times, but I still seem to feel the future will be better. The little things I am trying to do have got to pay off at some point. After my last post, my girl Angie mentioned to me that she could see through my writing that I was trying hard to keep positive. And I really am. What choice do I have, really?

'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining

And yet, that line brings me to something that kinda has me confounded. My wife always tells me to stop being a victim. She's not saying that in an encouraging way. And it puts it in my head, maybe I am one of my biggest problems. I dunno. I mentioned this in therapy today, and I think it's good that I at least acknowledge the possibility.

Yesterday, I chatted at Transgender Heaven for a few minutes but had to stop when someone there, trying to be helpful, told me that I had to stay positive and make changes instead of just complaining all the time. I know this is true, I even write it above and feel it in the song, but often I forget. I see others doing their thing, and instead of being happy for them, I compare to my situation and just get frustrated. I have to work on this, and I will. I sure hope I can change that way of thinking. Nobody likes a whiner.

So finally, our subject song provides the rub. The part I can't quite get to. But want SO BAD:

Because I'm free

Nothing's worrying me

I so much want to be able to calm down and relax and just LIVE. I know the chances of having nothing all worrying me is unreasonable (or is it?) but approaching such a state of mind would sure be nice. As much as I am fearful of the changes needed in my life, if I'm ever going to get to the "I'm free" line, on the way to "nothing's worrying me", I'm gonna have to make that happen. Nobody can do it for me.

Until then, I'll keep going. Some days the raindrops are warm and not so much as to get soaked with, perhaps like in a sweet sun shower. Other days, I'm getting drenched. And yet, I have this feeling that there will never be enough raindrops to keep me from seeing, and talking to, the sun.

Take care of yourselves, everyone. Eternal thanks for reading, from me to you.

(Also thanks to Burt Bacharach and Hal David for writing such a wonderful song.)