Two Steps Forward...

Since opening myself up to family around ten days ago, it's been actually more difficult to write a blog post. You would think that it would be easier to talk about what's been going on. And it is, but it's also a bit odd. Maybe things are still very surreal. Maybe I am hesitant because I know people I actually know outside the interwebs might read this now. I have packed 30-plus years into the 2-plus years of this blog, and so for someone who's known me for the longer period, I worry about it being too much, too shocking, too bizarre.


On the other hand, the surprise of a lifetime has been, at least initially, that the things I have worried about people knowing have mostly come back to me as "no big deal". And as such, I am left to reconsider these "things" that I say and do, and determine the new context in which they exist. Because, now *I* exist. Slowly, the family is learning about me. There is still trepidation, but I feel myself in the process of taking off the training wheels.

All the time, so much is happening, but at the same time, often nothing is happening. I just read that sentence back, and I'm sure it makes no sense. I'm still plodding along, being "calculating" as my old counselor described me, working to inch forward in a way that keeps me grounded yet lets me fly.

Sometime last week, I bought some new nail polish. It's called "Crystal Blue" and I love it. I'm very into those soft, safe blues that almost ride the line between masculine and feminine. This polish rides no line but is certainly not red or pink. I decided to have it on my fingers in one of those moments of asserting myself, being defiant to those who would keep me hidden. And so I did do my fingernails and was quite pleased.

It lasted just a few days before I took it off. I took it off to not agitate those with whom I live. I took it off as part of scaling back my appearance so I don't embarrass those with whom I live. I don't intend to embarrass anyone. I do things to make me happy. But there is still a delicate balance between that and the feelings of others.

I was a bit sad to take the polish off.

I had to reconsider recent events and put this into context. That's when I realized, the polish application and removal was not a loss. It was a net effect of zero. Or was it? Sure I don't have the polish on, and received some admonishment when I did, but I still did it. And I have the memory and the picture and the knowledge that I can do it again. And I also know that other things are done and still in place. Like the earrings.

The earrings are definitely known and seen now, and I survived the conversation about them. They are a happy bit of progress I feel no need to erase now. Ever.

So I do the math....on top of all the acceptance I have gained, I see the tangible:

Earrings PLUS painted nails MINUS painted nails EQUALS earrings.

Two steps forward...and one step back. That is progress. And on to the next...