The One Where 2020 Ends
I have no idea why, but when thinking about blog titles lately, I've been
wanting to make them like titles of Friends episodes. There's no rhyme or reason
to it, and while I have been taking in some 80s and 90s goodness lately (Hello
NBC baseball game of the week and you too, Buffy the Vampire Slayer), I have not
watched Friends in forever. Could happen yet, but hasn't.
The reality of it is,
the past couple of weeks have been quite a struggle, and I'm trying to write now
while I'm on an upswing. The latest has been dealing with impending job loss and
all that goes along with that. The mental struggles that have resulted have kinda been
really tough, and I spent the better part of last week in some sort of hazy
hopelessness. But there still is hope, and I'm clinging to it now. So let's
ignore the lack of money, loss of health insurance, house, car, etc., that
could result. It's too depressing and, as I mentioned, I'm feeling more positive
the past couple of days.
What else has been going on? Well, the orchiectomy surgery
was successful. The incisions are healing nicely, I don't anticipate too much
scarring there, and at the doctor's a week or so ago, my testosterone level read
30, which is not nothing but pretty minuscule comparatively speaking. So that
has allowed me to drop Spiro as expected and I feel safer about that. My
estrogen, on the other hand, is still very low, so I have actually gotten a
second patch added to my routine at least for now, to boost the level. It was
only 37 when they look for 100 or above. So, work in progress there.
The holidays
are here for most of us. Things are pretty quiet in that regard this year, as was last year.
Money's tight and such, and the tension of who I am versus what they need is
always there, so we are all doing the best we can, I think. I hesitate when
saying "doing my best", but as my old counselor told me, in the moment, we
really mostly all are doing our best. And life is moment-to-moment. Only when
projecting forward or looking back (and we know what happens if we look back too
much) should we even think about reassessing the "doing our best" thing.
I am
looking forward to spending some time with my cousin Bryce, and also his fiancee
Kat again over Christmas. Her mom has been having some issues very recently, so
have been a bit concerned for all of them in the past week, and hope that
they can enjoy a nice holiday season despite the struggles. If I can add
anything to their good cheer, I certainly mean to try. All of the cousins on my
dad's side might have a group Zoom call as well, and that should be a lot of fun
if most or all of them can make it.
And what of 2020? I have thought, especially
post-surgery and pre-bad work situation news, to do a full retrospective of the
year. The big reason for that was to prove to myself that I had actually made a
lot of progress this year. I think I will actually do it briefly here (yeah
right, briefly, you're thinking) instead. There's no need to go into great
detail. The blogs are all still there.
When 2020 began, most of us had no idea
what we were in for. I think it's safe to say that we have not faced such a
difficult year as a species in our lifetimes. I don't need to go over everything, we all know
what's gone on. Our way of life was globally rocked and we are still dealing
with it. COVID brought unique challenges and we face more as we see a vaccine
coming available at long last. I had no idea when I started working from home in
March that I wouldn't go back there. I know I was very fortunate to have even
lasted this long, as so many others didn't and have yet to recover. I didn't get
sick from COVID and my family was more-or-less spared so far. I'm grateful. We
all just need to hang in a bit longer. It WILL get better.
As for me, I had a
plan coming into the year. To think I'd achieve it, and exceed it, is still
quite amazing. With the help, support, encouragement from a group of family and
friends (not to mention some gentle prodding; I'm looking at you, J9), I managed
to make myself known to the world. That was the plan and goal. Where the goal
got surpassed was in the EMBRACE. I just got a little choked up after writing that
sentence. It's easy to "like" or give a thumbs-up on a Facebook post or picture,
and simply move on. And while that happened, for which I'm grateful, so much
more happened.
The comments that first day, back on my birthday, I simply will never
forget. And what I note more since that day is that a lot of those same people, some
of you even reading this, have continued to not only "like" and comment and
support me, so many didn't bat an eye when I decided to abandon my other
Facebook profile for the one in which I am fully me. Friends and family have
just adjusted in many cases, calling me Shannyn, using feminine pronouns,
without hesitation. I know that couldn't have been automatic in their minds, or
even hearts. Someone telling me I looked beautiful or even nice (neither of
which are true, by the way, but I loved hearing it nonetheless) meant so much. It
spurred me on and continues to do so.
I don't dress feminine all that often. I
just don't. I want to; it makes me immeasurably happier. I might not get to anytime soon, or then again I might. But now I know I can and
that's a big bit of progress right there. I have tremendous weight still on my
shoulders that crushes me down onto the floor sometimes. But not hiding,
having the ability to express ALL my thoughts, removes a ton(ne).
I know so many
like me who don't have such an advantage now, and due to their circumstances,
possibly never will, which makes me sad but thankful for what I have. All my
friends who are CD, trans, or whoever are doing what they can to get by, just
like me. Whether it's a single night spent away in femme mode (most often alone, mind you) during a business
trip or repeated, painful discussions with a loving spouse to make their
progress, they are fighting on. I need to keep at it. We all do. Including cis
people and LGBTQ2+ folks and everyone affected by what 2020 and COVID brought
us.
Let me end by making a long post longer, and just say to everyone in my
"bubble" (big bubble) who have been there: THANK YOU! And to everyone who reads
this, I hope that this holiday season brings you peace and if I dare mention,
even some happiness. Don't be too hard on 2020, it did the best it could. But
let's make 2021 even better.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job's a joke, you're broke
Your love life's DOA
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month
Or even your year, but
I'll be there for you (When the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you (Like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you ('Cause you're there for me too)
I love this post! This has been a year of accomplishment and growth for you and 2021 will be even better! I’m glad I am part of the journey.
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