Messing Around With The Stars

A counselor I used to have once called me "calculating". I think that meant that I don't do things without a lot of thought first. I don't think that's always the case, as I often do things on a whim these days. Maybe the years since she told me that have changed me. I do remember writing an early entry here about being impulsive. Wanting to be impulsive.

I don't always know when these blogs will happen, though often I do. If a significant event or achievement happens, it usually gets an entry. If I see something and am inspired to write, I write. But not all events are planned, and I don't have anything special occasion today. This one falls more into the "write as if you are drunk" category. We will see how much "sober" editing (edit: it takes place 2 days later) happens.

Another factor in my decisions to write is emotions. It's got to feel worthwhile. Since I'm all about emotion, here we are. I haven't known what to write for a while, so I haven't. Today I have raw emotions, fueled by happenings that are not new or unusual, nor feelings I've not felt before. On purpose, I watched a movie that made me cry. I just didn't know I'd write right after that, nor do I know what I will say.

I have been trying to reach out into the world that is still affected by COVID and find people, and I have found a few. I'm trying to see who exists out there that might like me, that I might like, that might help me and I help them. Just friendly-like. I have no desire for anything more. I need to find my way, and my way cannot be completely alone, anymore.

Unfortunately, alone is what I do best. In terms of life skills, I seem to have mastered it, if such a thing one can become an expert in. Then again, if I'm so good at it, why do I now so desperately want it to be less of a thing in my life. I seek people. I want people to see me and say my name, the name I like, the name that is most ME.

I've been playing tennis with someone I met on Facebook, for about a month now. She wanted someone to practice with, and I had swung a racket about 20 years before, so the connection was obvious. Not. However, I went out on a limb and so did she. I'm not good at the game by any stretch, but we have played the past 4 or 5 weeks, and I have enjoyed the outings. I think I am slowly improving.

I go play tennis as me. The presentation is evolving as I suddenly find myself acquiring tennis-type clothing I didn't have. As a guy, I'd just wear the same ratty old shorts and t-shirts that I wear for other things. But since I am enjoying myself and returning weekly, I have gotten a few cheap items that say Shannyn a little more. That makes me smile. It's all good so far.

There are others that want to see me and have. I have yet to be fully myself in my presentation to new people, due to many factors. I find myself lacking confidence in my ability to present as I wish. Lack of clothes, or shoes,  accessories, etc., contributes to that. The whole make-up bug-a-boo is still there, as is the negativity I face in my home should I look the way I want before going out or upon my return. But it's more than that, now.

When a person is someone they didn't realize they were, there are two paths to go down to actually BE that person. There are fast paths, and there are slow paths. I have definitely taken the slow path. Which is ok. Any path is ok. The trick is FEELING ok with that path. And right now, that's my struggle. 

I met someone the other night who, after feeling trans all her life, decided one day last year to just dive in. And so now she is living exactly as she wants. At least as far as I know. It sure seems good, and I have jealousy about my slow pace after talking to her. I will get over that, but at least I can acknowledge it. Perhaps acknowledgment is part of being calculating.

The movie I watched today was The Fault In Our Stars. There was a mention of it in another show about how that movie can get the emotions going. So at 1 AM this morning when I couldn't sleep, I watched the first half and finished it now (edit: 2 days ago LOL). I needed the tears. Watch it if you haven't, or watch again if you have. There is a lot to be learned from young people, even fictional young people.

I wondered about the title and now need to research why it was called that: if it was referenced in the movie, I missed it. I just googled and I assume it was taken from the Shakespeare line "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars / But in ourselves, that we are underlings.” Something to delve into when I have more time.

I need to move (sell my house and move into a new dwelling, without my family) before long, and I don't know where yet. That is causing me consternation, big time. Despite the help with anxiety I have gotten recently, I am off my game today (edit: as well as 2 days later, though the rebound is now underway). It's just a difficult thing to accomplish on my own. Somehow it will get done, but gosh I wish I had more help. Whew, gotta breathe...

Anyway, that's it. We will see what the stars bring my way next.


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