Even The High

There is an old song written by Jesse Winchester that I know called Defying Gravity. Jimmy Buffett performs it, and it's not the song from Wicked. The phrase is used a lot, it seems and I love the idea. My favorite line in the song occurs to me now as I realize my ebb and flow isn't rising as high or sinking as low as it has been. In a way, that's good, but in a way, it's kinda not-so-good, too.

I watched the latest episode of The Good Doctor last night after the hockey game (more on that in a minute). One of the storylines was about a guy who has learned to make a drug, using mushrooms, that he believed had cured his depression. Of course, it caused other medical issues, which they helped him with. What I took from it was his anguish when they told him the concoction was harming him.

The man said, basically, that he couldn't deal with the depression again, so he didn't want to stop what he was doing and go back to not wanting to get out of bed, etc. 

I can't say I blame the guy, though his method was not safe at all. In my case, what I realized was that while current medications help me to not get so anxious, not get so low I can't function, they also are robbing me of excitement, I believe.

Last night's hockey game was quite tense. In the end, my team (Toronto Maple Leafs) lost. I noted that during the game, I was not getting excited or overly fretting about the score. In fact, when the Leafs managed to come back and tie it before ultimately losing, I didn't really react a ton. At one point, I posted on Facebook that I didn't like how I felt, especially feeling a loss coming.

Contrast this with how I have been facing personal adversity at home and with work lately. I still get anxious, but I am able to push the feelings aside easier. I'm not letting things bother me as much. 

So my point is, like the song, "even the high must lay low" (was there a drug reference mean here, like "getting high"?) seems to apply here. I don't get as high or as low as in the past. I miss the higher highs, but not the lowest of lows. I am trying to decide how I feel about that, overall. Time will tell.

Comments

  1. so true. without down days high/ecstatic days may not be as great.

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  2. I can relate to this. One of the reasons I have not taken medication for my anxiety ( to date- will always be something that could happen) is because a few friends described what you did- not feeling extreme lows but not having intense highs anymore. I was able to find other ways to manage my anxiety but that’s not going to be the case for everyone. I do feel heartened reading about your journey and the strides you’ve made. I think the best is yet to come!

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