tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47672364151054206732024-03-13T02:16:34.515-04:00Shannyn Comes Alive!A tale about discovering. About hoping. About striving. And, with a little luck, about achieving.Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.comBlogger137125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-38445155774867980962023-04-08T21:34:00.000-04:002023-04-08T21:34:00.081-04:00A Year Later<p>I guess it's time. No time like the present, they say.</p><p>A year ago today, I experienced my last real feminine day. I wrote about it in <a href="https://shannyncomesalive.blogspot.com/2022/04/wednesday-on-saturday.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Wednesday on Saturday</a>. Looking back, I think I peaked that day in my transition. Not too long after, I stopped. I'm still stopped. I'm not sure if I will ever start again. Those are just facts and my feelings 365 days later.</p><p>The desire to be the real me is gone. I'm not sure when exactly it left me, but I felt it was gone at least once between April and late June of 2022. It certainly was the case after I resumed my life in early July of the same year. And I feel it now. Or, rather, I don't feel "it", today.</p><p>I learned a lot about myself in the year that has just passed. I learned... I learned that if you have a health condition, you cannot ignore it. Because it will not be ignored and you could wind up in serious trouble because of it. Which I did.</p><p>I also learned that you can come back from mistakes. Mistakes which I made many of in the past year, just like every other year. Serious mistakes that you don't always get a do-over on. But I did. And although I still don't exactly believe in myself, I have learned that other people do believe in me and that I have to do better for them.</p><p>I also learned that the grass is not always greener on the other side. I learned that being alone is not the best thing, long-term. I learned isolation can be a killer. I learned that while your family might not always agree with you, it's better to disagree than be away from them if they care for you.</p><p>I apologize if this post gets long. I haven't written in a year, after all, and I'm not sure when I will again. I haven't written because this blog was meant to be positive, and I really didn't see much positive in my time away, and I didn't want to be a downer. I realized today that it might be worthwhile for me to tell the story of my life since last April, and who knows, maybe it will help someone else. So write on I shall.</p><p>The main thing to recount, I suppose, is that I almost died. It was my own fault, and sadly, I tried to do it again to myself later. I'm still here. I don't deserve to be here, but I'm supposed to be here and despite everything, I am trying to do better now. I have to.</p><p>It was, I believe, June 29th of 2022. Actually, I can't talk about that day, other than to compare it to the previous few days. The reason I can't talk much about it is that I have no memory of it. Not June 30th, July 1st, and so on. The next day I have a memory of is July 5th. I was in a coma in the hospital for all that time because I was depressed, stopped taking all my medications, ate like I was not diabetic, and poisoned my brain and my body. And almost died. That's what they tell me, anyway.</p><p>Anyway, without too much detail, my mind was so poisoned that I actually attacked nurses who were trying to give me IVs and had to be physically restrained. Poisoned from going weeks and weeks without my insulin and other meds (including depression and anxiety meds). Poisoned from fast food three times a day and 6-8 Coke Zeros (zero sugar just means fake sugar) per day. I completely sabotaged my mind and body to the point that I needed my roommates to call 911 for me (thankfully) when my moaning in pain (I don't remember it) got to be so loud they noticed it from across the house.</p><p>The moral of the story is, don't do that, kids. Take your meds and eat better. I am damn lucky to be alive. I owe a lot to my two roommates (more on them later), my cousin who lived nearby and was able to pinch-hit for my poisoned brain with doctors, my brother who cared for me from thousands of miles away, as well as my wife, who overcame her own illness at the same time to care for me in the aftermath, despite all we'd been through in the months and years before.</p><p>So, yeah, I dealt with all that. Unfortunately, depression wasn't through with me yet. My sick mind was not ready to fight yet. Around November, I once again felt real down. I felt incredibly anxious and was unable to work. I felt alone and without a future. By this time, the desire to continue a transition had left me. I was having to find a new place to live, by myself, since our rental home was being sold. So what did I decide to do? I decided to QUIT.</p><p>I felt nothing was good anymore. My roommates, who had helped me survive before, decided to move on without me as we faced getting another place to live. They completely ignored me for many weeks and in November I wound up moving to an extended-stay hotel. I wasn't working because my anxiety was so out of control. It felt like the bottom of the barrel, even though it really wasn't. </p><p>I knew what not taking meds, etc., could do to me, and, in my way of thinking, what happened in June/July had been my way out. The initial gratitude of still being alive was gone and I thought...I can make this happen. I can check out of the world the very same way. So I stopped. For many weeks again. This time, though, I didn't get quite as sick, and people intervened before it went too far. I missed Christmas with my family because I was too depressed. But I still was alive. Looking back, I'm glad I was.</p><p>My family got strict with me this time. Sometimes my days consisted of making a single phone call to a doctor for an appointment to be seen. Sometimes it was ensuring I ate a single meal. Or got a shower. It felt like agony being awoken by a phone call to make sure I was doing SOMETHING to help MYSELF. Because folks, no one can do it for you. You've got to take it a day at a time and crawl before you walk. I'm still walking, not nearly running. </p><p>So that was a lot of my year. I spent a lot of the rest of the time contemplating my gender, and with everything going on, I decided I needed to simplify my life. Most people do not realize, a transition is HARD. It's difficult. When you add health issues and mental breakdowns to it, it just became not worth it. So I stopped. Maybe I will write more about the gender aspect sometime, but this post has gotten into the extreme TLDR (too long, didn't read) range. Ciao for now.</p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-70895728846536534862022-04-11T17:14:00.000-04:002022-04-11T17:14:38.243-04:00Wednesday On Saturday<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfggvZCRFUY_dooJ9XQTSiDJWD9rGSgOy-eSbZ6aDYXU4LKJ7gNRWxphqzia0hQ5UrTpaJsNHue472-zDRyT_rmomtKMGUnCzlWcOOq_tYWyuiioutMo5-ffCPXKbwDvs7w3uf7EtGf9iTWNpd8AHyTHPGjV17RlEBPguqWX_RwqoR1F47JeayArKjQg/s200/wedding%20look.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="90" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfggvZCRFUY_dooJ9XQTSiDJWD9rGSgOy-eSbZ6aDYXU4LKJ7gNRWxphqzia0hQ5UrTpaJsNHue472-zDRyT_rmomtKMGUnCzlWcOOq_tYWyuiioutMo5-ffCPXKbwDvs7w3uf7EtGf9iTWNpd8AHyTHPGjV17RlEBPguqWX_RwqoR1F47JeayArKjQg/s1600/wedding%20look.jpg" width="90" /></a></div>Some of you that go way back with the blog might remember a post I wrote way back near the beginning where my friend Tanya and I were supposed to get makeovers and have a girl's day hanging out. The post was called <a href="https://shannyncomesalive.blogspot.com/2018/07/wednesday.html" target="_blank">Wednesday</a>. That didn't come to pass (yet!) but I did get to experience something very similar this past Saturday.</div><div><br /></div><div>I had an actual occasion to do this for, since it seems I am not one to just get dolled up on a whim. I should do that; I'm just saying I never have (yet!) and I saved the experience for my cousin's wedding here in Atlanta.</div><div><br /></div><div>The day started early since I actually had to run an errand (picking up my estradiol) on the south side of town where I used to live (I live on the north side now), so I got up early, made it to the pharmacy just after it opened, got my prescriptions and a quick breakfast before zooming back north, where the fun part of my day could begin.</div><div><br /></div><div>There is a nail place within walking distance of my house, and I had gone there to have my eyebrows waxed a couple weeks prior, so I knew the place would be good. I had thought of having a set of nails put on for the wedding, but time was running out on me since other things were happening at specific times in the afternoon. So I decided to just get a deluxe manicure and have my nails painted the same color as my toes (I brought my own polish) and the necklace I planned to wear to the wedding (as you can see in the pic of me). It was a fun experience, other than waiting for the paint job to dry. I was lost without my phone for like 20 minutes!</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi51pUTGMgfZtaBxN0NfzEzgXHX8N3rXhyLrdLPSuB1S5kdX8W1kwo3j5xfw-E359bGOCI24b7HEeXOALeTmAEyW1Obs3xyEojt0POu5I6MipJMm0QQI1_rztg5tB5riHEgu4mEMGHjfD1nQO2cDEV6Qdvf68iPRyY47OLg7t2tKvCKPwxiEzNZnhiyxw" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="90" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi51pUTGMgfZtaBxN0NfzEzgXHX8N3rXhyLrdLPSuB1S5kdX8W1kwo3j5xfw-E359bGOCI24b7HEeXOALeTmAEyW1Obs3xyEojt0POu5I6MipJMm0QQI1_rztg5tB5riHEgu4mEMGHjfD1nQO2cDEV6Qdvf68iPRyY47OLg7t2tKvCKPwxiEzNZnhiyxw" width="108" /></a></div>The nails came out ok, though I did mess them up a little in the process of paying at the register. Oh well, it wasn't enough for anyone to notice. I was still pleased. I then went home to continue getting ready before the "Wednesday" part came up at 1:30 PM. That included a full-face makeover at Sephora and I was excited about that! So excited that I almost forgot to shave my face (a sad but true necessity, despite HRT)!</div><div><br /></div><div>I managed to get all ready and made it to the mall right on time. Only to find out I needed to go IN the mall to the Sephora store, as opposed to the Sephora section in JC Penney's (oops). I had no choice but to walk through the mall in my full feminine-ness (skinny jeans, open-toe gladiator sandals, bright yellow puffy-sleeved top (actually a minidress but you didn't hear that from me), and jean jacket (the weather was cool otherwise I would have ditched the jacket). I made it to the store and walked in confidently.</div><div><br /></div><div>I introduced myself to the associate, and soon enough was in a chair at a makeup station at the from of the store (where I could be seen from the mall walkways) and got my face done by a wonderful associate named Cahrin (pronounced "kah-rin", as opposed to Karen). She took an hour and a half (was supposed to only be an hour, so I'll leave it to you as to why I needed 50% more time LOL) but we both loved the result. A few pics later and I was on my way. For sake of time here I'm rushing through the experience, but suffice to say I felt VERY pampered and very feminine. I got random compliments from customers and staff, and I was beaming as I left. I HIGHLY recommend the experience if you've never had it.</div><div><br /></div><div>I then had to rush to Atlanta, because I was supposed to pick up food for the wedding reception. Luckily that went off without a hitch, as did the wedding. It was a casual and short ceremony, right up my alley. I didn't feel out of place there amongst the friends of both bride and groom. The day was all about them, but I got to have my fun as well.</div><div><br /></div><div>The occasion ended with the reception, and I enjoyed myself there for a couple of hours before heading home. A grand day out as my true self, and one I will never forget!</div>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-1555186444179714402022-03-15T14:23:00.000-04:002022-03-15T14:23:41.720-04:00Always Take Your Purse!<p>I got myself all femme yesterday and decided to go for lunch. Wasn't a bad look:</p><p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div><br></p><p>Not pictured is my purse, which I did take with me. Putting my wallet and keys in the back pocket of my skirt didn't seem appropriate. My purse is a small crossbody type, so it's not a huge deal to lug around when you aren't used to it. The thing I wasn't used to yesterday was actually eating in a restaurant. I guess I really haven't done so, what with the pandemic and all. I could have; I just didn't.</p><p>Anyway, I order my food and get my drink from the drink machine. I sit down and take my purse off my shoulder and set it down. I get to eating and drinking, and suddenly, I'm in need of a refill. Now, the thing is, without a purse, you just get up and go get the refill. Heck, sometimes I will lock my phone and leave it on the table when I'm in guy mode. But I was not about to leave my purse with my wallet and keys in it.</p><p>Which just lead to making a mental note about how purse-carrying types have to do that: take it with you. If you are alone, or with someone you don't trust really well to watch it for you. I bet I've seen it on TV or movies a hundred times, "watch my purse" and until you have one to watch, you just don't have to think about it.</p><p>I'm probably way more amused by this little anecdote than anyone else, so I will just leave it at that. I quizzed my CD, trans and cis friends after it, and invariably they said it to me: always take your purse!</p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-40726004148700811592022-02-23T14:21:00.003-05:002022-02-23T14:22:13.821-05:003-year HRT Anniversary<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiBKXESx22krLzSyMxBU5IBdHSGl9nefPreiIJL7Ru5TGcz4jAQH0jUTAT1h-Xe7PYd0xJ9vZr30Xz7FiJ0uLbrKPnnYLUrAz-gsOkDYiqarKgqXdMy9e6MgCdPzbbkT9VpIGa-64knh5GJZ0mwnNtLgiYm3jxR3ccD9lTz0_q2MqSsAhNQttNggQmDaA=s500" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="500" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiBKXESx22krLzSyMxBU5IBdHSGl9nefPreiIJL7Ru5TGcz4jAQH0jUTAT1h-Xe7PYd0xJ9vZr30Xz7FiJ0uLbrKPnnYLUrAz-gsOkDYiqarKgqXdMy9e6MgCdPzbbkT9VpIGa-64knh5GJZ0mwnNtLgiYm3jxR3ccD9lTz0_q2MqSsAhNQttNggQmDaA=w200-h200" width="200" /></a></div>Yesterday, I hit the three year mark. I suppose I should note the occasion. Truth is, there isn't much to say about it. At some point, it just becomes part of life.<p></p><p>I take my estrogen to live. I inject myself with a couple-inch needle once every two weeks in a ritual that goes from "no big deal, get it over with" to "um, procrastinate a day or two?".</p><p>It's not fun to inject myself, but it's usually over in less than a minute. I don't enjoy it, it doesn't make me smile, but I do it because I need to. I always notice a distinct lack of energy as I get toward the end of the 2 weeks, but no noticeable bump in energy afterward. I'm sure it helps, but its very subtle, at least to me.</p><p>I have other medical conditions that contribute to how I feel, so it's hard to separate what HRT is doing for me after 3 years. I don't feel any changes in my body anymore, and my femininity feels more mental than physical a lot of the time. I wish I could say it's more, but I can't.</p><p>All that said, physically I am more feminine than I was before, and that's a great thing. It's nice to be a mentor for others starting out, though I fear I may downplay the enormity of the whole undertaking, more often than not. It really is important to me to make sure girls, especially those older like myself, don't see it as a magic way to a female body.</p><p>So that's it. It's amazing to look back to where I was 3 years ago. Sooooooo much has changed, not least of all my state of mind and my body, due in large part to taking HRT. I'm trans and it helps. It works for me!!</p><p><br /></p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-5272863842718965882022-02-21T13:26:00.001-05:002022-02-21T13:26:18.660-05:00New Start<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div>Gosh, where to begin. Everything is new now for me. I'll keep this short, I think. I managed to move last week, and have spent the past several days clearing out and getting my old house sold.<div>I am indeed living with the two trans folk that I mentioned last time, and that is going pretty well so far. We have all had several talks together about anything and everything, and they are helping me to adjust.</div><div>I am in a whole new part of the state, about an hour north of where I was before, so I don't know the area very well yet. There is a lot of things only a few minutes away by car, so thats very convenient.</div><div>I have managed to keep my emotions in check, and haven't really stopped long enough to really comprehend what all has transpired. I suspect it will all hit me soon.</div><div>So, anyway, just a short update to everyone who reads this blog regularly. I hope life is treating you all well, and I hope also to make more regular posts here like I used to, once all the dust settles. </div>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-9497751895382210492022-01-17T18:11:00.001-05:002022-01-17T18:11:40.509-05:00Fighting Back<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEigAEcS9fjBSeaIyFMulYo1C0hXBt3mxD8MlVHVZaImiuD0sFZlNALURfQXI72g5RbNNgSyIIFUSH8WwQ2ej7KYLTrgwO38oNt-BaTFEAS3gLtx046g2NyDz0ZOjKOspwyrzG_DXKSFdfB4lPilUYpGIx9CuWV8YvdjK19Tw8iyFQRS7HJwvpMj1dWP1w=s800" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="607" data-original-width="800" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEigAEcS9fjBSeaIyFMulYo1C0hXBt3mxD8MlVHVZaImiuD0sFZlNALURfQXI72g5RbNNgSyIIFUSH8WwQ2ej7KYLTrgwO38oNt-BaTFEAS3gLtx046g2NyDz0ZOjKOspwyrzG_DXKSFdfB4lPilUYpGIx9CuWV8YvdjK19Tw8iyFQRS7HJwvpMj1dWP1w=s320" width="320" /></a></div>It's been a while since I posted anything. At times, I feel like shutting down the blog, and other times I'm glad it's here for me to share when the mood strikes. I hope that the holidays and new year have been good for all or most of you. They were mostly a non-event for me, and I'm glad to have made it into the new year with most of my sanity intact.<span><a name='more'></a></span><p></p><p>I currently, and for the next month or so, am living at my house alone. Well, the dog and one of the cats are still here. The <a href="https://shannyncomesalive.blogspot.com/2019/10/the-people-who-used-to-live-here.html" target="_blank">people who used to live here</a>, except me, now don't. It's been a few weeks and has been quite the adjustment.</p><p>One by one they moved along, to stay with my wife's relatives. First my daughter, 19, then some weeks later my son, who is 16. A couple weeks after that, just before Christmas, my wife got settled and began sleeping elsewhere, too. That's hard after 23 years but was inevitable. Now it is I who need to vacate the premises. I can't stay here, and so am looking for someplace to go.</p><p>I met up with a couple of trans folks this past weekend about a room they have for rent. It was really nice meeting them, and I overcame the anxiety of the past week to do so. I came away with a really good vibe about the situation, and just probably need to pull the trigger to say that I want the room. I think it's the best I can hope for right now as my life does a major flip-flop.</p><p>Today's blog is called "Fighting Back". I find myself fighting back against the anxiety I have been having for especially the past week. I have had panic attacks this past Thursday and Friday, as well as this morning. Before, in between, and after haven't felt that great either. But, I'm fighting. And that's all I can do really, keep fighting until things improve. I have to keep hope that there is a way out of the predicament I am in. And I think there is.</p><p>That's my message to you today. No matter how much stress, anger, sadness, or panic might get you, the feeling subsides, and you live to fight some more. All of these negative emotions can be debilitating, but they also can be overcome. I need to remember this the next time I'm writhing on the floor in seemingly endless agony, too.</p><p>Gosh, the recent panic attacks were hard. I missed the better of two workdays because of them. I fought it off today, and I am so happy I did. I'd love to hear in the comments how you may have endured a tough situation at some point in your life to see the other side, or at least to fight another day.</p><p>And remember, reach out if you can to those around you. I did and am glad I did. I appreciate my friends and family who really were just THERE for me. There are people who care and will acknowledge you. They might not have the answers you seek, but at least you can tell them how you feel and know that you've been heard. It's so important. Reach out to me if you want; I'm here and willing to listen.</p><p>I'll end here by posting a picture I took today. Once I got calmed down enough, I decided I needed to see myself in a way that wasn't the same old, same old work-from-home-in-sloppy-clothes way. So I got myself together, and there I was. Fake hair and all! It was me. I'm ok.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi9FuRCrZRTGN1kek__AvBhfK5TzS_4lKkjNzusl0A_F9_ixF8BqetbtV02AFDDCyePAdnxEQpVOnIIyVQnWK8dJ6LuxDsfi0qtstsPsRfWPk5W4JLFwIK9JM9_qJ7YckQ6WnTllZGykp1cLeapOj946e1PAFTWYieKehFcfzo4aQ4rS5amrVM_JqJfew=w240-h320" width="240" /></a></div>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-5319280847021258602021-11-25T08:53:00.000-05:002021-11-25T08:53:04.692-05:00Giving Thanks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi7DDby_BR4iE0v-gIq6IrZk5T0fs-J-6JMv4GIzeN2RPA3iu0GCafkuLfb0_LIfES6EP1FzfryEp8bweOgTmTai8ojZaebkx0GA6ysg9i6HaihS2IFZ5Rhvhln_1HUNjBj7TNlAmPjpn9Cipf0uX3vklSxqmSYp8IhxUUylYWlrP3Qr7LHy3IPw3T_Yg=s200" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="198" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi7DDby_BR4iE0v-gIq6IrZk5T0fs-J-6JMv4GIzeN2RPA3iu0GCafkuLfb0_LIfES6EP1FzfryEp8bweOgTmTai8ojZaebkx0GA6ysg9i6HaihS2IFZ5Rhvhln_1HUNjBj7TNlAmPjpn9Cipf0uX3vklSxqmSYp8IhxUUylYWlrP3Qr7LHy3IPw3T_Yg" width="198" /></a></div><br />Just a few words to everyone around the world who reads my little blog, and especially my American readers, to say thanks for all the comments over the past year. I read them all and am very grateful, If there were no readers, my voice would not be heard. If my voice wasn't heard, then perhaps those who find some support in my words would be missing that support. <span style="text-align: center;">HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I'll leave you with a clip from my favorite ever TV episode dedicated to the Thanksgiving holiday.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/BGFtV6-ALoQ" width="320" youtube-src-id="BGFtV6-ALoQ"></iframe></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-85142913291158801052021-11-09T15:28:00.002-05:002021-11-09T15:28:59.742-05:00Walk A Mile In Her Heels - Lisa<p><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I have known Lisa for a while from chatting with her occasionally online. I was always impressed by her story, and her goals moving forward. So much so that I decided to request this interview, which she graciously accepted. Her thoughtful and honest answers to my questions are very much appreciated. Now we get to see what a mile in Lisa's heels is like. Enjoy!<span></span></span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b>Previously in the "Walk A Mile In Her Heels" series: <a href="https://shannyncomesalive.blogspot.com/2019/08/walk-mile-in-her-heels-suzi.html" target="_blank">Suzi</a> <a href="https://shannyncomesalive.blogspot.com/2019/09/chrissy.html" target="_blank">Chrissy</a> <a href="https://shannyncomesalive.blogspot.com/2019/10/erica.html" target="_blank">Erica</a> <a href="https://shannyncomesalive.blogspot.com/2020/01/tawni.html" target="_blank">Tawni</a> <a href="https://shannyncomesalive.blogspot.com/2020/03/leanne-oz.html" target="_blank">Leanne (from Oz)</a></b></span><br /></p><p><b>Shannyn Comes Alive:</b> Tell us a little about where and how you grew up. Who were your biggest influences as a child?</p><p><b>Lisa: </b>I grew up in Flint, Michigan. My father was an alcoholic and my mom was a bible-thumper. They got divorced when I was eight, both being very vocal about how terrible the other one was. Both parents are very racist and homophobic to this day. If either of them knew I was Lisa they would never speak to me again. I should be so lucky!</p><p>My biggest influence or at least one of my influences was Cindy Crawford. I had her poster on my wall when I was a kid which gave the illusion of "normal" for my parents' sake but I loved her beauty and femininity. There was a girl in my school that kind of looked like her. Her name was Lisa so that is part of where I got my name from; my male name starts with an L so it was easy to pick Lisa as an adaptation of my legal name.</p><p><b>SCA:</b> You are in the process to live full-time as Lisa. Have you always felt female, or can you pinpoint when you first knew you were not male?</p><p><b>Lisa:</b> Yes I am in the process of it, but haven't always known I was a girl. I was never allowed to even think thoughts like that. However, I guess deep down I have always wanted to be a girl. Once during sex-ed class I stole one of the girls' booklets. I wanted to find out what was going on and what they looked like because I wanted to be like them. This was in the fifth grade; I was ten. I tried throughout my life to suppress these feelings but they never went away. I got married to try and live up to others' expectations of what I should be, but I found I was never happy. Once my marriage ended, I realized it was because I want to be a wife, not have one.</p><p><b>SCA:</b> Did your wife know/suspect anything of your femininity, or did you not being in the right gender role contribute little, or a lot, to the marriage breaking up? I know that in many cases, the gender stuff plays an almost unconscious role in other aspects of a relationship not working out.</p><p><b>Lisa:</b> My ex-wife didn't have a clue, as far as I know. Although, once in anger when we were going through the divorce, she said something like, "I hope your next girlfriend is similar size so you can fit into her clothes, too." So, I suppose she did have some clue. I do think that my being trans had something to do with us splitting. I wanted to be a wife a lot more than I wanted to have one. The main factor of us splitting was that she completely changed after we had a child together. The child was her securing money and after she had that she completely shut me out and stopped talking to me. However, wanting to be Lisa was one of many contributing reasons to our split.</p><p><b>SCA:</b> You are and have been an entertainer. Show business often allows people to perform in ways different than their outside lives. How has your profession helped or hindered your ability to be Lisa?</p><p><b>Lisa: </b>Show business has helped me learn how to be good at makeup. Well, show business and YouTube. Show business has also taught me how to move more gracefully and to notice subtleties that I may have otherwise missed. However, I perform as male and will have to stop performing once I no longer present as male. I portray a character who sells a heavy sex appeal to women. I don't imagine I will be able to do that once I look like a woman. I am looking forward to that.</p><p><b>SCA:</b> Is it difficult to play a male character who exudes a sexiness towards women, or is it just another instance of putting on a costume and pretending? How did you wind up with such a male role?</p><p><b>Lisa: </b>It is mostly putting on a costume and acting the role of the costume. It is more annoying than difficult to portray the role. When I was growing up, I was a fan of the artist that I portray. I actually got started in show business by singing karaoke at a bar. Immediately after hearing me sing, people came up to me and asked me if I did shows. I had no idea what that meant but figured it out over the years and fine-tuned it until it became a money-maker for me. That was twenty-five years ago. I wanted to go to school to be a lawyer when I got out of high school, but I got so busy traveling and doing shows that I had to quit college. </p><p><b>SCA: </b>As you embark on your life as your true self, what are your goals? Do you plan to continue as an entertainer, or perhaps something new?</p><p><b>Lisa:</b> I will not be able to stay in entertainment when I live as Lisa, since the character I play is very male. If there are opportunities to entertain as Lisa, I'll listen but it is not what I'm looking for. Transformation is hard and I would prefer to do it in private. No big to-do about coming out. Nobody cares, just start living as Lisa. I will get a job hopefully working at the post office or something of that nature. Once I have my own place and a steady job I will re-assess and see what I want as Lisa when I am living as her. So I guess right now the goal is living as Lisa, my true self.</p><p><b>SCA: </b>Is there any bit of pop culture that encompasses who you are at this stage of your life? Perhaps a book, movie, or song? </p><p><b>Lisa: </b>I'm not a big pop culture girl. I'm more of a hippie type. If I had to pick who encompasses me as I am right now I would say I'm <a href="https://fiftyshadesofgrey.fandom.com/wiki/Anastasia_Steele" target="_blank">Anastasia </a>from <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2322441/" target="_blank">50 Shades Of Grey</a>. I'm about to embark on a new world as a woman and some of it will be scary. But, sometimes scary is necessary to get to the things you want.</p><p><b>SCA:</b> Tell us about your other interests, whether they be gender-related or not.</p><p><b>Lisa:</b> Away from show business, I enjoy looking pretty, of course. I would love to learn to sew, but wouldn't really say that is gender-related because some feminists might get mad. Gender is a strange thing nowadays. It used to be very black and white but has blended a lot since I was young and is very gray now. Otherwise, I like to play basketball but can't do that more than once a week because of age. I also enjoy running and physical fitness. I am a very physically active person. Exercise, work, and my transition are enough to keep me busy.</p><p><b>SCA:</b> Pictured in this article are your favorite shoes. You provided that by request, since this blog series is called "Walk A Mile In Her Heels". What makes them your favorite?</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiweiVefXjAJeDj8ZmhUq_vCssvyB0_Dnha_1CoB2PbrDK9Er5B0iGCoGi_1SmKd02j3RyA8Hdqbxat_kHv4RDg7EY0_3pdNGM5m3f2Y0ex-WEQ8OOS7tENfc8opMaZ3abBV0yJDtJohDRtT4AWx_TQ03pBnBsymdwQD3j2L4yLVP8mW-PNEmNYecJgmg=s727" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="624" data-original-width="727" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiweiVefXjAJeDj8ZmhUq_vCssvyB0_Dnha_1CoB2PbrDK9Er5B0iGCoGi_1SmKd02j3RyA8Hdqbxat_kHv4RDg7EY0_3pdNGM5m3f2Y0ex-WEQ8OOS7tENfc8opMaZ3abBV0yJDtJohDRtT4AWx_TQ03pBnBsymdwQD3j2L4yLVP8mW-PNEmNYecJgmg=w200-h172" width="200" /></a></div><br /><p><b>Lisa:</b> These shoes are my favorite because they are 6-inch and I can still walk in them. I just love the color and material. </p><p><b>SCA:</b> (chuckling) Do you envision wearing 6-inch heels at the post office?</p><p><b>Lisa:</b> I am a practical girl. There is a lot of walking involved when a person works at the post office, so I will most likely wear whatever is comfortable enough to get me through the workday. I love heels, but it's not what I would wear to work in. On date night I would absolutely be in 6-inch heels, but I'm not wearing them to work.</p><p><b>SCA:</b> Thank you for this time to get to know you better. One last question: What would you say to a kid that is in a position similar to what yours was, or what would you tell your younger self if you could?</p><p><b>Lisa:</b> If I could tell a child in my situation anything I guess it would be to just accept this side of you and enjoy it. I honestly just came back from visiting with my parents and they are still very hateful towards anyone with an alternative lifestyle. So if a kid were in a situation like mine I would also tell them that once they move away their parents' hatred doesn't exist. It only exists when they are around. If I could tell my younger self anything I guess it would be that same advice.</p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-59250531674699509342021-11-07T18:17:00.001-05:002021-11-07T18:17:34.161-05:00A Time To Live<p>I went to see the new James Bond movie No Time to Die today. It was an adventure of a day, containing two new experiences for me. The first was seeing a movie in a theater dressed as my true self, and the second was braving the ladies' room at Target.</p><p>I'm still not at the point where I can just, you know, GO. But I can say it gets easier each time. I have had this weekend targeted for a couple weeks now as to actually go see a movie as my true self. And it came together. The hardest part, truly, was getting past possible negative responses from those in my household for me going out "en femme". Now that I'm home, and everything has come off and I've turned back into a pumpkin, I can fully relax again.</p><p>I prepared for the day, actually, by heeding the advice of my counselor Meredith to practise my makeup. I did so twice during the week, so today turned out to be easier, and I didn't dread the attempt. I have a bit of a phobia about donning makeup, so the practise has helped. I hope to do more in the coming days and weeks until I actually start to improve with it.</p><p>I was just slightly out of sorts as I got ready though, so much so that when I left, I forgot to take my glasses and had not put on any lipstick. Luckily I had some in my purse and I didn't need to come back to the house. My femme appearance is frowned upon at home, so I minimized the chance I would be seen. I did get some less than spectacular pictures, one of which I will post here, so you can see the outfit at least.</p><p>I waited until almost the last minute before buying tickets online, thus not locking myself in until I was ready, and not going to chicken out. I thought about that only briefly after not being really happy with my appearance. I did the best I could and decided to move forward. I'm glad I did.</p><p>I think I probably could have just gone to the movie for free since when I got there, I didn't have to even stop before entering my theater. Not like the pre-pandemic days where someone checked your ticket. So, I just confidently strode in, not too fast, not too slow, and that was it. When I got inside, an older couple had sat where my seat was, but the theater was nowhere near full so I just sat in the row behind them.</p><p>I experienced no hostility, and I didn't make much eye contact, so things went really well. It might have been my imagination, but I thought I heard the male of the couple behind me say one that "the world keeps getting stranger" or something to that effect. If they meant me, I'll never know, and I didn't dwell on it.</p><p>I was bound and determined not to have to use the restroom while I was there. I wasn't prepared to go inside the ladies' room at the theater, despite the movie being almost three hours. Somewhere during the movie, I decided I would go to Target afterward and use the family restroom there.</p><p>Except...when I got to Target, there was no family restroom where I thought there was one. I had the usual two choices, and ladies felt better than gentlemen, so in I went. Straight to a stall, out and washed hands, no eye contact. Other than my earring falling out during all this, it was fine, no big deal. The room was fairly busy, and I heard several little girls while I was in the stall, but I couldn't stay in there forever, so I got through it. I was no threat, and hopefully was not perceived as one, if anyone actually noticed.</p><p>And that was it really. It was a day where I knocked down not one but two barriers, and I know my confidence will grow going forward, and my relaxation/confidence levels will increase. If I had any real complaints from the afternoon, it would only be the end of the movie. I was not pleased with how it ended!</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgsTEtJilPtc-HVwWdZ3stlgDVhWL7mmX3HtGn-rJYDklFY_U6hrxyflEHFHD4w_9HgaxfZU_fjDLvuEBAQjx9BXiERBKH2vs2wbW0KKDdjflVyjBaPnaxbC3BiRfnGXrR7JdeVglDqXGej5Pt-G6a54gaUaPDsobkKrL0-EWavLqvXnIVAS6hVHOOq8w=s2620" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2620" data-original-width="1201" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgsTEtJilPtc-HVwWdZ3stlgDVhWL7mmX3HtGn-rJYDklFY_U6hrxyflEHFHD4w_9HgaxfZU_fjDLvuEBAQjx9BXiERBKH2vs2wbW0KKDdjflVyjBaPnaxbC3BiRfnGXrR7JdeVglDqXGej5Pt-G6a54gaUaPDsobkKrL0-EWavLqvXnIVAS6hVHOOq8w=s320" width="147" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-67657655840952799872021-10-02T03:02:00.000-04:002021-10-02T03:02:25.261-04:00Body Image<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhAdd-w-Se6DYAeqdfpSij5tJycbfRpIB0lbc4UrlB8v--RdXZmITtQM-cW7cydZHEZT-iFRV-T55Ss6SUFEfqThVU02U42-u4VVXhN9NVkhc7xs7azJmedQ1lV9ZiUyaoF5N_6rNjrne-6Tz6XYXvjo-V0u1DfLlAQwPp9K9CDzp6zryqdDJ1fNh3qgQ=s600" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="429" data-original-width="600" height="143" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhAdd-w-Se6DYAeqdfpSij5tJycbfRpIB0lbc4UrlB8v--RdXZmITtQM-cW7cydZHEZT-iFRV-T55Ss6SUFEfqThVU02U42-u4VVXhN9NVkhc7xs7azJmedQ1lV9ZiUyaoF5N_6rNjrne-6Tz6XYXvjo-V0u1DfLlAQwPp9K9CDzp6zryqdDJ1fNh3qgQ=w200-h143" width="200" /></a></div>Let's see: how to take a negative and turn it into a positive. I'm not sure I can, but I'll give it a go.<div><br /></div><div>I'll go back in time a bit and describe how I came to be writing a blog at 2 o'clock in the morning. Once upon a time, there was a young man who liked to dress in women's clothes. Girl's clothes, you might say, because the young man wasn't a man yet, and in retrospect, was never a man at all.</div><span><a name='more'></a></span><div><br /></div><div>The young man dressed in such clothes whenever he got the opportunity to do (always in secret) and when he had something to wear. Then, he'd go back to doing guy things and forget about the clothes until later. Sometimes much later, even years later. But he always did start again. He was young, had a crazy-good metabolism, and as such, was skinny. </div><div><br /></div><div>The only thing he might've been able to say about body image in those days was when he'd see something on TV about anorexia or bulimia. Occasionally a popular show would focus on the subject, but it never occurred to him as anything remotely resembling a problem. Only girls seemed to have such issues, anyway. I just Googled it, and my memory is correct about one such instance, on <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0559956/" target="_blank">Diff'rent Strokes</a>. Ironically, the episode I remember was in 1986, right about the time the fascination with girl's clothes started.</div><div><br /></div><div>The years passed and as he grew up and became more independent, he started to make bad decisions about his diet. Lots of fast food ensued, among other unhealthy items, and this began to add up on him. Around 17, he thought his metabolism was changing, slowing down, because he wasn't so skinny anymore. Not in his belly, at least. Legs, skinny. Arms, skinny. Belly, not so skinny.</div><div><br /></div><div>It was not a huge deal, but enough to notice. He didn't blame it on his food choices. No, it had to be chemistry. Right or wrong, his body image issues had started. But he wouldn't have said that to anyone. It didn't seem to be a big deal. He was far from "fat". Just not so skinny as before.</div><div><br /></div><div>Jumbled in the timeline were the girl's clothes. I (who was the young man) can't remember exactly the sequence of events, other than a period of dressing in college, and I guess all through those older teen, early 20's years. It was called "crossdressing" as I discovered, once the internet came along to confirm the diagnosis. I never heard the term "trans" or anything of that nature until many years later. I crossdressed, I didn't know why, and I didn't care why.</div><div><br /></div><div>The body image issues grew (quite literally) through my 20's and 30's, weight up and down all the time. I would "dress" for a while, but often go long periods without doing so. And mind you, even when I did dress, no one ever saw me, so it didn't matter if I was a bit chubby in the belly. Which is where I draw a distinction between then and now.</div><div><br /></div><div>More years pass, and I learn. Then, in my early 40's, it starts coming together and I realize I am transgendered. That's why I periodically needed the girl's clothes. That's why I adopted a feminine persona online. And eventually, I accepted that I was this way. And began to pursue, in fits and starts and hormones, such a life. A transition, of sorts. Now, I wanted (and want) to be "out there" amongst the people.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now is where the body issues that were long lying in wait for me to get worse, got worse. And if you're trans, I think you'll get this. If you're cis, you might get it, you might not. A cis person might say, "Shannyn, loads of people have body issues. Men have them and decide they need to build muscles. Women have them and decide they need to throw up all their meals to stay skinny. What makes trans people so special when it comes to body image issues?"</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't know about anybody else, but for me, I can take something common like belly fat and multiply it, because not only is that belly fat there, it's there in what looks like a MAN's belly. A MAN's overall shape. I'm not a man, I'm a woman, and the minute I realized that some years ago, I was suddenly stuck with body images FROM THE OTHER GENDER. Additionally, and I haven't researched this, but I'm sure what has happened to me happens to anyone else, cis or trans, with body image issues: I started to find MORE of them.</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't need to detail the others; I am trying to stay positive here. I felt a need to explain this, as I need an outlet to see if anyone feels as I do and will tell me that they do. Because I know you're out there. Trans people have an awful time with body image. Whether it's truly a multiple of what cis men and women face or is imagined (we are talking a mental illness, after all), I again don't know.</div><div><br /></div><div>So, what to do about it? Writing this, I hope, finds me some understanding, or at least some solidarity. In terms of actions, I think I will finally remember to start talking about it with my counselor, to start seeing things differently through therapy. I always forget to mention it, perhaps since it's been with me so long. It's almost like breathing; it's ever-present.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'll sign off here with a simple wish that, if you feel the way I do, that you hang in there and try to not be so hard on yourself. Seek actions to make it better, if you can. Lord knows, changing eating habits or doing the needed exercise to help with some body image issues can be daunting, to say the least. You gotta love yourself (which I'm working on), willpower (which I need a lot more of), and support. Encouragement is key, so keep in mind, if talking to others, be careful how you provide that "encouragement". It is not optimal to simply say, "well if you want to look better, do better about your appearance".</div><div><br /></div><div>Thanks for reading. I hope this helps or at least is something to think about. Bye for now!</div>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-28618245263366214712021-09-24T22:41:00.001-04:002021-09-27T08:43:27.352-04:00Upswing<p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVObke1uOUfgB4juY8tfqKMNeIfhjN02v1_O33M1giNzp-bkSXddO9zPh2gQhAccMzbfZFx4r3Cgmz5npkA7rF5JUcRVKR0i39QF-CAluuux0G1HLNA6Si7iFuKhyEqR-FszxptPpeUl-9/s2048/614e85ec13a8a.jpg" style="clear: left; display: inline; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1640" data-original-width="2048" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVObke1uOUfgB4juY8tfqKMNeIfhjN02v1_O33M1giNzp-bkSXddO9zPh2gQhAccMzbfZFx4r3Cgmz5npkA7rF5JUcRVKR0i39QF-CAluuux0G1HLNA6Si7iFuKhyEqR-FszxptPpeUl-9/w200-h160/614e85ec13a8a.jpg" width="200" /></a>I chose a picture of a woman looking up at the sky because lately, I have been feeling more upbeat. I'm a bit disappointed that my last couple of posts have come across as pretty down and negative, and am here to say today that things are improving right now.</p><p>In a couple days, I turn 47 years old. Another trip around the sun completed. So much has happened, and not happened, in the last twelve months. As I wrote previously, this summer was rough, but my favorite month, September, has yet again not let me down. </p><p><span></span></p><a name='more'></a>Since I last wrote, I actually had COVID. I attended a group in early August, and I think I contracted it there. While I had two crappy weeks, filled with fevers, coughing, shivers, sweating, and the like, I was very fortunate to have it not be worse. It's a political thing to talk about the vaccine, and I could be wrong, but I choose to believe getting vaccinated helped me get through the virus. It wasn't fun, but I lived.<p></p><p>Interestingly, while sick, my mood was quite good. I was fortunate to not have to work during that time, and I remember that I stayed positive. The woes of July and early August faded. As they say, all things shall pass. I'll admit I had help, but really it was a case of riding out the bad stuff.</p><p>I returned to work at the beginning of September, recovered, refreshed, and re-energized. I have been able to engage better with the work and my co-workers, getting through the learning stages of my newest position in by far the best condition I've been in this year. It's really amazing how I feel now versus a couple of months ago. I feel fortunate and proud. I kept going, even when I felt so low. There is ALWAYS hope.</p><p>So that's it, really. I have some big, big challenges ahead before this year ends, but right now I'm facing those without so much fear. Each day comes and goes, and we make the best of it that we can. I often feel like I might be bipolar or something, but you know, it could just be hormones or just life that everyone experiences.</p><p>The plan is to keep on keeping on and get through the challenges. Wish me luck. 2022 will be here before we know it, and we owe it to ourselves to find a way to end 2021 on a good note if we can. Feel free to reach out if you are ever feeling low, and I will promise to listen, at a minimum. Quite a few people have stuck with me, and I feel like paying it forward is the least I can do. You're not alone. Keep pushing and appreciate life. It can change on a dime, and we have to be ready.</p><p>All the best, </p><p>Shannyn</p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-83962274699668544732021-08-08T14:43:00.004-04:002021-08-08T20:05:32.956-04:00"Something"<p><b></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-kCsxjE0zv2bKcQs6tuF4WlKVW_hFeBGiYscaGtpNYzQlh2JqNDE644LlecA5d2Rr20_vbp5bGX-JhvvtGxxFPZAS6FRirlbigyl37FiVw0o9WSTjjmqsFnlS3menwiJe-eE_bTZfUblA/s552/not-funny.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="414" data-original-width="552" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-kCsxjE0zv2bKcQs6tuF4WlKVW_hFeBGiYscaGtpNYzQlh2JqNDE644LlecA5d2Rr20_vbp5bGX-JhvvtGxxFPZAS6FRirlbigyl37FiVw0o9WSTjjmqsFnlS3menwiJe-eE_bTZfUblA/w200-h150/not-funny.png" width="200" /></a></b></div><b>Group member, trying to liven up the conversation: </b><i>"Ok, it's too quiet. Somebody say something."</i><p></p><p><b>Wiseass: </b><i>"Something."</i></p><p><b>Rest of the group, in unison:</b> <i>"#!@*&%."</i></p><p>--------</p><p>That's where I am these days. I'm posting in order to say.....something.</p><p>It turns out that my last post, over 3 weeks ago, had the warning signs in it. I fell into some bad anxiety a few days later. And three weeks later, I'm still working on things, the fallout, if you will.</p><p>I haven't been able to work the past couple of weeks after fighting through, sort of, the first week where I felt down, down, down. I don't feel tremendously better yet, though I have taken some steps towards that. </p><p>I don't really feel like getting into the details of what those steps are just yet; maybe later I will. Suffice to say, they will not be easy, I am filled with dread of the unknown, and yet I have some hope. I look forward to that hope increasing in the days and weeks ahead. Like we all are, I'm hanging in there. </p><p>A few key people are helping me keep going, and I love them all so. Otherwise, the lack of human contact has been really hard. Sometimes I want to cry out that I am very lonely, but find that, outside a very few people that I can't even see in person, there's no one. And that's my fault. There are actually lots of people I can talk to, but I'm hesitant to, and they aren't local to see in person.</p><p>That's what I mean by no one. I'm starved for contact, so I make it seem worse than it is. I'm aware of it, at least. So I will keep my complaining here to a minimum as well. Nobody likes a whiner, eh?</p><p>As for the gender stuff, I haven't stopped, but it's pretty much on pause. This was supposed to be a big year for me in that regard, but it's turned out not so good thus far. I have bigger fish to fry, believe it or not, so I'm not sweating my outward presentation. It'll come. That's something, right?</p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-21123152125149312442021-07-15T12:37:00.000-04:002021-07-15T12:37:04.064-04:00My Gender Isn't The Problem<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4xBsNpLFrt3vGSLAtHGbCfAyOtfkUbDd9rzdjdLwFph7yEzaePlhWjvKBuI7WfNqC92zjlQ788aj6JMAyzEye0kzUplxW_yQsrRqtyJy0xblG77eEy8sxp8fXV-v3W1gv42ObQhgD7C4d/s612/stuck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="612" data-original-width="612" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4xBsNpLFrt3vGSLAtHGbCfAyOtfkUbDd9rzdjdLwFph7yEzaePlhWjvKBuI7WfNqC92zjlQ788aj6JMAyzEye0kzUplxW_yQsrRqtyJy0xblG77eEy8sxp8fXV-v3W1gv42ObQhgD7C4d/w200-h200/stuck.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>My wife, when we have a decent conversation about things, tends to often say that no matter what I do to my body, or my presentation, it won't fix "what's up here" (points to her head). She means that no matter what, until I can straighten out what's going on between my ears, there's not going to be any happiness for me. And while, on the whole, she doesn't know who I am very well, she still knows me better than most, since we've now been together 23 years. So, she's not wrong.<p></p><p>It's been almost ten months now since I did my "grand reveal" to the wider group of people I know. This group consists of my extended family, old friends, and old co-workers. It still doesn't include my current co-workers, or really any other people that I interact with each day. Because I don't really interact with any people, other than minimal conversation with work folks and those in my house. I'm down to about three people I will tell how I'm doing with online. That's about it.</p><p>The past year has had its moments. There have been times where I felt like I was making progress, where I could gain some new friends through my newfound freedom. I came to embrace she who is Shannyn; I began to feel more alive. I knew that accepting who I was was vitally important to living any kind of life. And I have done that. I believe in that 100%. But it's not enough.</p><p>I made some strides towards meeting new people. I attended some Zoom calls of a local trans support group. I joined some other LGBTQ groups on Facebook that lead to things like playing tennis a few times with someone I didn't know before. I met a couple other trans women at restaurants in attempts to make friends. They were attempts. Some were better than others. They've all gone by the wayside now, and I feel more isolated than I ever have before.</p><p>Some of it feels like a defense mechanism. It's like I have this panic room around me that I just stay in. Even online, I am withdrawn and unable to communicate very much, other than telling a few unfortunate folks my feelings like I'm describing here right now. I don't participate in discussions because I feel I have nothing to add. Unless you are talking about baseball or old movies, I have nothing to say. And those things, they only help me pass the time. I'm much less passionate about those things than I used to be.</p><p>I want to be something new, to engage with new people on something I'm passionate about. But I have no confidence in myself as a person of value. I find I have nothing to add. Hell, I can't even talk to my kids anymore, for the most part. The panic room has closed in around me to the extent that I have no voice left. Even if I was safe inside (which is not that true, given me having to still deal with myself), I'm unable to reach out to anyone. I'm alone.</p><p>Next week I am set to house sit for my cousin while they are out of town. Normally this would be a great opportunity to escape my home, to do whatever I want on my own schedule. A week of total freedom, outside work time of course. I am clinging to some hope that I can find a way to emerge from this funk I'm in, to escape my rut. It's a small hope right now. I'm sue to visit with them this weekend, but actually kinda fear it because I know how NOTHING I've become to the point where I don't know what we can talk about beyond how to take care of their cats.</p><p>I had to get this feelings expressed openly. Part of me wants someone to read this and somehow help me see that I'm not nothing. The rest of me really hopes no one reads this negativity. I don't want to be negative; it's just where I am. I really believe gender caused a lot of my social issues, but I can't really blame it now. There's quite a mess to clean up, and I'm confounded where to even start. I have to get out of my own head and into the world. How do I do that when I'm this afraid?</p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-20338372287071425002021-06-23T17:57:00.000-04:002021-06-23T17:57:04.638-04:00What I'm Talkin' About<p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMVXeo77gJvOqGXUq-FTOvLyEJ2tPex4brJPpIzp0PfPyz-2qMVkmzdYshDrLmpikUTTnn61vjPE1uTF6O6zBIOW11kpFs7sLIhfpO7JaJUz9BDm-QN5BeBjmrzMPC84x638BmDJqdiWdl/s570/sunflower.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="570" data-original-width="570" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMVXeo77gJvOqGXUq-FTOvLyEJ2tPex4brJPpIzp0PfPyz-2qMVkmzdYshDrLmpikUTTnn61vjPE1uTF6O6zBIOW11kpFs7sLIhfpO7JaJUz9BDm-QN5BeBjmrzMPC84x638BmDJqdiWdl/w200-h200/sunflower.jpg" width="200" /></a>A short one. No need to overplay it. Today, a nice compliment begat something really great (to me, at least). </p><p>Simply put, I was perusing Facebook when I was supposed to be working (again) and saw a new picture posted by my old neighbor, Angela. In the picture, she was wearing a pretty blue dress and a cool summery hat similar to one I have. So, I decided to compliment her on the look. "Great dress and hat", I say.</p><p>No big deal, right? Happens millions of times per day on FB, I'm sure. A few minutes later, I got a "like" on my comment and a response that just said "thanks, babe". At first, I didn't really pay attention to it, but later I got to thinking about that little 2-word reply from her.</p><p>Angela had made a point not long after I came out to friends and family online to compliment me on my look and befriend me on FB. We haven't actually seen each other in decades but have chatted a little bit that day and since. So of course, I see her posts now and remember her spirit as a kid, so to get called "babe" wasn't unusual coming from her. So, as I was driving home from work, I thought, "you know, she said that as if we were girl friends, and not like I was the guy she used to know".</p><p>I found it remarkable (and bloggable), because I'm not used to that sort of thing, but I can tell you that it is EXACTLY the kind of thing a trans girl hopes to get from a cis woman. Inclusion, being treated the same as other friends. That's what I've wanted for a long time: to be able to compliment a woman on her outfit (me being the shy type) and not being thought of as a creepy guy or a threat to someone's male partner. And I realized today that now I can do that. And it made me smile. Pretty simple. Kindness between two girl friends. </p><p>I got home and sought out Angela on chat, to confirm my thoughts that it was the same kind of thing she calls her other girl friends. I'll paraphrase here, but she said she calls every girl friend she has "babe". Or bitch. LOL. She told me she thinks of me as just another girl friend from the old days.</p><p>That's what I'm talkin' about. 💓💓💓</p><p><br /></p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-80281745704275835892021-06-03T21:27:00.002-04:002021-06-03T21:39:47.571-04:00To Pee or Not To Pee (It Depends)<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUYlVxvrAQgAt-g8FXgsjR-qgm9Fhd-YI4CO0i2fBSDvuBWg92lyEKvo5dkmak3KtQFveZVSI70k98JFHtkKv_er5QSy3na2WI2-50hkIIknF5KR_F2vAiFeGjzio1GdJHYVbZIDUit16i/s344/restroom.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="344" data-original-width="344" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUYlVxvrAQgAt-g8FXgsjR-qgm9Fhd-YI4CO0i2fBSDvuBWg92lyEKvo5dkmak3KtQFveZVSI70k98JFHtkKv_er5QSy3na2WI2-50hkIIknF5KR_F2vAiFeGjzio1GdJHYVbZIDUit16i/w200-h200/restroom.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>First of all, before I forget, I'd like to wish a Happy Pride Month to anyone and everyone to whom that has a special meaning. It holds more for me this year since I am most definitely the "T" in LGBTQ (add in any other designations you want here, they are ALL valid). It is interesting to me to realize I fully belong now, and that there are an awful lot of great people in this group. So I say to celebrate with....pride!<p></p><p>I usually have the title before actually writing these blogs (the ideas usually bang around inside my head for a while before hitting the keyboard), and I like a title that might make people notice. LOL.</p><p>I read an <a href="https://www.projectq.us/atlanta-rebranding-over-100-city-restrooms-as-gender-neutral/?fbclid=IwAR1veipsZ6pNTihrm_64ontSdwodSs7-NEoJUDvgie14VMCSbSB9MGtyeEw" target="_blank">article</a> today that gave some good news for trans folks in Atlanta. I think it's great that more accessibility to bathrooms without judgment is coming to the city. It got me thinking about the issue in general, that being, where does a gender non-conforming or trans person go to tinkle when out and about? As we get more and more past the pandemic, it's going to be an issue for a lot of folks like me.</p><p>I realized that it is among many things that hold me back from being out there much. People might think that since I write so much and am out that I am just being my Shann-tastic (new word, like it?) self all the time. Truth is, I really have only been in what I'd call full-on girl mode a few times in public. In fact, I've written about just about all of them in this space. And in each instance, the bathroom has not really been an issue.</p><p>Since it really hasn't been an issue for me yet, it means I've been fortunate but also sheltered. I wonder how many others feel the same way. It can be enough of a task to get oneself dressed nicely, put on makeup and get out of the house, but what about when ya, you know, gotta go?</p><p>I know I'm not alone in this. I can see many who will read this and know exactly what I'm talking about. Others and I'm not trying to pick on any cishet (cisgender heterosexual) folks who see this, have no clue about it. Bathrooms are everywhere, right? I'm still in that same category with you there. But think about it: you have been in a store that has a bathroom, but it's being cleaned and is closed. Everyone has had that experience, right?</p><p>So, if to this point you don't understand what I'm trying to babble about, realize that RIGHT NOW, in some US states and many other countries even, that bathroom is closed to you PERMANENTLY. Because of how you look. Black folks, you have seen this. "Whites only". Etcetera, Etcetera.</p><p>I really try to avoid politics, but sometimes I just can't. While I am happy that the mayor of Atlanta is doing something to make the situation better, I can't help but wonder when it's Georgia's turn to pass a "bathroom bill" like they did in Tennessee and other places.</p><p>I mean, I try to see all sides. I can comprehend when someone says they don't want a 6'5'' trans person in the bathroom with their little girl (most trans people are nowhere near this tall, and so what if they are?). I don't agree with it, but I comprehend it. But that 6'5" trans person might have the biggest heart of gold in the world and wouldn't hurt a fly. She just needs to pee! And admit it, you've seen far scarier people that are your same gender. Walmart at 3 AM, anyone? (Sorry Walmart)</p><p>I don't know what the ultimate answers are. Trans folks are a minority and probably always will be. But we shouldn't need to use an app like <a href="https://www.refugerestrooms.org/" target="_blank">REFUGE Restrooms</a> to find a place to do our all-too-human business. I get it when establishments don't want to create single-use bathrooms just for a small number of customers. I think this will all evolve and I believe the stigma of trans people will continue to ease. It's gonna take time. </p><p>They say "all things will pass". But that's not entirely true.....because I don't know about you, the need to "use the facilities" just gets more and more urgent. It only passes when I do something about it.</p><p>One last thing before you "flush" this article: if you like what you read here generally (maybe not today, this one might be a load of crap. Sorry, these jokes write themselves!!) go ahead and subscribe by clicking the Subscribe link at the top here and pop in your email address. I promise to not talk about the bathroom anymore if you do.</p><p>Peace!</p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-39422279567353726682021-05-30T09:41:00.000-04:002021-05-30T09:41:14.896-04:00Even The High<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2OkmqGPIoYME04wA3W6BK2iMFNoUuPliTlHlEdidDS3ztHbcgSuUMUYKO9bzccs3U0KZWKrJ405quK4htLnLnyxwoh5OUwnvKV-i6HeFFYDUKKB7GSvETVOSbbsv4ZhnWKdZRmm5yQ3pr/s1200/defying+gravity.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2OkmqGPIoYME04wA3W6BK2iMFNoUuPliTlHlEdidDS3ztHbcgSuUMUYKO9bzccs3U0KZWKrJ405quK4htLnLnyxwoh5OUwnvKV-i6HeFFYDUKKB7GSvETVOSbbsv4ZhnWKdZRmm5yQ3pr/w200-h200/defying+gravity.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>There is an old song written by <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesse_Winchester" target="_blank">Jesse Winchester</a> that I know called Defying Gravity. Jimmy Buffett <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8_RHsr6kI4" target="_blank">performs it</a>, and it's not the song from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEq3xM-i0Ng" target="_blank">Wicked</a>. The phrase is used a lot, it seems and I love the idea. My favorite line in the song occurs to me now as I realize my <a href="https://shannyncomesalive.blogspot.com/2018/10/ebb-and-flow.html">ebb and flow</a> isn't rising as high or sinking as low as it has been. In a way, that's good, but in a way, it's kinda not-so-good, too.<p></p><p>I watched the latest episode of <a href="https://tvline.com/2021/05/24/the-good-doctor-recap-season-4-episode-18-glassman-debbie-divorce/" target="_blank">The Good Doctor</a> last night after the hockey game (more on that in a minute). One of the storylines was about a guy who has learned to make a drug, using mushrooms, that he believed had cured his depression. Of course, it caused other medical issues, which they helped him with. What I took from it was his anguish when they told him the concoction was harming him.</p><p>The man said, basically, that he couldn't deal with the depression again, so he didn't want to stop what he was doing and go back to not wanting to get out of bed, etc. </p><p>I can't say I blame the guy, though his method was not safe at all. In my case, what I realized was that while current medications help me to not get so anxious, not get so low I can't function, they also are robbing me of excitement, I believe.</p><p>Last night's hockey game was quite tense. In the end, my team (Toronto Maple Leafs) lost. I noted that during the game, I was not getting excited or overly fretting about the score. In fact, when the Leafs managed to come back and tie it before ultimately losing, I didn't really react a ton. At one point, I posted on Facebook that I didn't like how I felt, especially feeling a loss coming.</p><p>Contrast this with how I have been facing personal adversity at home and with work lately. I still get anxious, but I am able to push the feelings aside easier. I'm not letting things bother me as much. </p><p>So my point is, like the song, "even the high must lay low" (was there a drug reference mean here, like "getting high"?) seems to apply here. I don't get as high or as low as in the past. I miss the higher highs, but not the lowest of lows. I am trying to decide how I feel about that, overall. Time will tell.</p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-47079825900708043592021-05-26T23:02:00.004-04:002021-05-26T23:04:56.194-04:00Follow Me (blog update)<p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwjZ872FIni7yYaU1Ao2qWEG8pgToZzLkaK257z_1yi1ekgInF6YrWNMVk90C9d5lR-wMyKxZaptGjF7CCVOQn9lo5VeRRrcH9MPuhga2Hciz7bewX9Je6n4L_boU0DoM2zXz3aXIMfFiE/s334/followit.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="165" data-original-width="334" height="158" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwjZ872FIni7yYaU1Ao2qWEG8pgToZzLkaK257z_1yi1ekgInF6YrWNMVk90C9d5lR-wMyKxZaptGjF7CCVOQn9lo5VeRRrcH9MPuhga2Hciz7bewX9Je6n4L_boU0DoM2zXz3aXIMfFiE/w320-h158/followit.jpg" width="320" /></a>I am switching to a new way to follow my blogs. follow.it offers a nice free service that is feature-rich. The current method of following is not going to be viable after July anyway, so this is a great way to make the site even better. You should see the new "Follow Me" box on the site (click Subscribe at the top right, enter your email in the pop-up box).</p><p>For existing followers, you will see a different email than before, with the same great content. You might even get two emails, as I have not yet turned off the old method. Luckily, no one should need to resubscribe. New users, we have "symply" made it easier for you (remember, just click Subscribe at the top right, enter your email in the pop-up box).. And I like "symply".</p><p>Existing subscribers: leave a comment to let others know that you are happy with the ability to get "Shannyn In Your Inbox". I appreciate the support.<br /><br /></p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-38283068843385236202021-05-07T11:17:00.001-04:002021-05-07T11:17:02.026-04:00Busy Day For The Old Gal<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQuVVkqwfFPmpCUNDLUMogQ-X_L0piztUED0AZl1583kCE6O9LeQdybom-VHkiP8d9mVgqh0vtFq8JayG4lTFhfmwP4bViCpvsVuFMWEBahzJgXB5DvC9YQMlgBNRb2foI_vf4J8wOPBFp/s1651/IMG_20210506_131937_crop.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1542" data-original-width="1651" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQuVVkqwfFPmpCUNDLUMogQ-X_L0piztUED0AZl1583kCE6O9LeQdybom-VHkiP8d9mVgqh0vtFq8JayG4lTFhfmwP4bViCpvsVuFMWEBahzJgXB5DvC9YQMlgBNRb2foI_vf4J8wOPBFp/s320/IMG_20210506_131937_crop.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Had a really great day, yesterday. It took some hustle to fit in all the activiies that I was part of, but I accomplished, and can tell you Shannyn felt alive for sure.<p></p><p>It started out with my visiting Kat at her house. It was a "garden day", since she has been quite busy planting and maintaining her efforts. I had seen her on Sunday, and it seemed like a really good thing she was doing for herself, and I wanted to experience that.</p><p>She needed to borrow a jigsaw I have to do some building, so I was going to bring it to her the day before, but she suggested that instead we make a day of it. I was definitely down with that.</p><p>So we spent time talking as she looked up some info for the garden on Pinterest. We discussed lots of things and I feel even closer to her now. The support from that house is amazing, both Kat and my cousin Bryce. We then spent time in the garden, where I helped by trimming back some old bushes and watered a bunch of her plants. She has some really pretty flowers going, as well as some vegetables.</p><p>Turns out she wanted me to have some flowers to take home, so you can see what she put together for me in the picture here. It was very nice of her, as I had just expected to hang out and help her where I could. We got some sunshine and had quality girl time. Mission accomplished. She also trimmed a piece of a pretty coral and orange rose that I loved. I'm hoping to get that growing at my home.</p><p>We finished up by my riding with her to pick up her niece from preschool, which was fun. I had been wanting to meet the tyke, and while she was shy, I msanaged to get some smiles before I left. That made me happy. I then hustled home to give my daughter a lift to work, and then onto my next activity.</p><p>My son had an inline hockey game (hockey on rollerblades), so I made it to see that. While they lost, my son got a goal, so that was great. This took me to 7:30 PM, and I left from there to meet up with a new friend.</p><p>I met a trans lady named Lauren at a Mexican restaurant, and we shared a meal and good talk for a couple of hours. She and I actually have a lot in common as to our plights at the current time, and I think we both shared things about transition that would help the other. I was particularly interested in her work transition that she recently accomplished, and she about how I had come out to friends and family last year.</p><p>It was a good visit, and I think we will get together again. I got home at 11 PM and was soon asleep. I thought I would write about here to share my great day with others, and show off the pretty flowers that I now hope will thrive. Which reminds me that it's time to water them. So that's it for now. Thanks for reading.</p><p> </p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-704943402505741632021-04-28T18:45:00.006-04:002021-04-28T18:47:40.110-04:00Messing Around With The Stars<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4Fw3Be6ZmDqqAhEuLJLCZz-ML-KcGB_GxsWDqRtAW7ZvgMsMplZH80AnzCY3UQ9ffpwz6WC8hA3sL1GD6qQYFmTWS2Hgqkdcag9gONEyJuzLCRfyNuUBIiYjxDrrU4I7hn3-PhHPK4ZXC/s225/stars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4Fw3Be6ZmDqqAhEuLJLCZz-ML-KcGB_GxsWDqRtAW7ZvgMsMplZH80AnzCY3UQ9ffpwz6WC8hA3sL1GD6qQYFmTWS2Hgqkdcag9gONEyJuzLCRfyNuUBIiYjxDrrU4I7hn3-PhHPK4ZXC/w200-h200/stars.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>A counselor I used to have once called me "calculating". I think that meant that I don't do things without a lot of thought first. I don't think that's always the case, as I often do things on a whim these days. Maybe the years since she told me that have changed me. I do remember writing an early entry here about being impulsive. Wanting to be impulsive.<p></p><p>I don't always know when these blogs will happen, though often I do. If a significant event or achievement happens, it usually gets an entry. If I see something and am inspired to write, I write. But not all events are planned, and I don't have anything special occasion today. This one falls more into the "write as if you are drunk" category. We will see how much "sober" editing (edit: it takes place 2 days later) happens.</p><p>Another factor in my decisions to write is emotions. It's got to feel worthwhile. Since I'm all about emotion, here we are. I haven't known what to write for a while, so I haven't. Today I have raw emotions, fueled by happenings that are not new or unusual, nor feelings I've not felt before. On purpose, I watched a movie that made me cry. I just didn't know I'd write right after that, nor do I know what I will say.</p><p>I have been trying to reach out into the world that is still affected by COVID and find people, and I have found a few. I'm trying to see who exists out there that might like me, that I might like, that might help me and I help them. Just friendly-like. I have no desire for anything more. I need to find my way, and my way cannot be completely alone, anymore.</p><p>Unfortunately, alone is what I do best. In terms of life skills, I seem to have mastered it, if such a thing one can become an expert in. Then again, if I'm so good at it, why do I now so desperately want it to be less of a thing in my life. I seek people. I want people to see me and say my name, the name I like, the name that is most ME.</p><p>I've been playing tennis with someone I met on Facebook, for about a month now. She wanted someone to practice with, and I had swung a racket about 20 years before, so the connection was obvious. Not. However, I went out on a limb and so did she. I'm not good at the game by any stretch, but we have played the past 4 or 5 weeks, and I have enjoyed the outings. I think I am slowly improving.</p><p>I go play tennis as me. The presentation is evolving as I suddenly find myself acquiring tennis-type clothing I didn't have. As a guy, I'd just wear the same ratty old shorts and t-shirts that I wear for other things. But since I am enjoying myself and returning weekly, I have gotten a few cheap items that say Shannyn a little more. That makes me smile. It's all good so far.</p><p>There are others that want to see me and have. I have yet to be fully myself in my presentation to new people, due to many factors. I find myself lacking confidence in my ability to present as I wish. Lack of clothes, or shoes, accessories, etc., contributes to that. The whole make-up bug-a-boo is still there, as is the negativity I face in my home should I look the way I want before going out or upon my return. But it's more than that, now.</p><p>When a person is someone they didn't realize they were, there are two paths to go down to actually BE that person. There are fast paths, and there are slow paths. I have definitely taken the slow path. Which is ok. Any path is ok. The trick is FEELING ok with that path. And right now, that's my struggle. </p><p>I met someone the other night who, after feeling trans all her life, decided one day last year to just dive in. And so now she is living exactly as she wants. At least as far as I know. It sure seems good, and I have jealousy about my slow pace after talking to her. I will get over that, but at least I can acknowledge it. Perhaps acknowledgment is part of being calculating.</p><p>The movie I watched today was <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2582846/" target="_blank">The Fault In Our Stars</a>. There was a mention of it in another show about how that movie can get the emotions going. So at 1 AM this morning when I couldn't sleep, I watched the first half and finished it now (edit: 2 days ago LOL). I needed the tears. Watch it if you haven't, or watch again if you have. There is a lot to be learned from young people, even fictional young people.</p><p>I wondered about the title and now need to research why it was called that: if it was referenced in the movie, I missed it. I just googled and I assume it was taken from the Shakespeare line "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars / But in ourselves, that we are underlings.” Something to delve into when I have more time.</p><p>I need to move (sell my house and move into a new dwelling, without my family) before long, and I don't know where yet. That is causing me consternation, big time. Despite the help with anxiety I have gotten recently, I am off my game today (edit: as well as 2 days later, though the rebound is now underway). It's just a difficult thing to accomplish on my own. Somehow it will get done, but gosh I wish I had more help. Whew, gotta breathe...</p><p>Anyway, that's it. We will see what the stars bring my way next.</p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-14234178820245871752021-03-31T11:52:00.004-04:002021-03-31T11:52:46.239-04:00Visibility<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjStu3K8j77eP3QT-WXZg6ixC7UVEgvkGqGedXBDlfbX2osZxSf8sPY01_3twPiBIj4wuelqZRdRT4bZuejFqHwmClRoGo55idtmZs0H-H4hyphenhyphen2Hu9NWjum0xvvFByG0K0Zv0qoznRyD4eaa/s1024/TDOV-2018-stripes-Twitter-post.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="512" data-original-width="1024" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjStu3K8j77eP3QT-WXZg6ixC7UVEgvkGqGedXBDlfbX2osZxSf8sPY01_3twPiBIj4wuelqZRdRT4bZuejFqHwmClRoGo55idtmZs0H-H4hyphenhyphen2Hu9NWjum0xvvFByG0K0Zv0qoznRyD4eaa/s320/TDOV-2018-stripes-Twitter-post.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I wrote this on Facebook today...<p></p><p>Like many things, being "visible" can be a double-edged sword. People need to celebrate achievement, absolutely. The world is hard, so raise a glass to what has gone well.</p><p>On this Trans Day of Visibility, and maybe this is just me being me, but I can't help but wonder if being visible has been a good thing for the trans community. The human propensity to need to survive and thrive lives within us as well. But at what cost?</p><p>The longer one hangs around this planet, the more perspective one gains. I was born a white, middle-class male and had a childhood that was generally unburdened. I just had this piece of me that was "different" and after about 30 years I determined what exactly it was and accepted it. In doing so, I thrust myself into a distinct minority group.</p><p>And that group, while making strides, is also facing tremendous prejudice in many parts of the world. From what I gather, this is not unlike what has been faced by other groups, such as blacks, women and gay people. It seems like, and again, I can only peer out from my own rock, now it's the turn of trans people to fight to exist.</p><p>And I must say, it's scary as hell. I don't even really get out into the world as Shannyn yet, but as time passes, I feel more and more the fears of the group at large. I felt like the new federal government in the U.S. was interested in protecting us as they should all people, and I believe the administration to be trying. But I also see all the slings and arrows being tossed our way. I see what only looks like a hatred as states pass laws to deny transgender people, especially youth, their existence.</p><p>I ask you...if you woke up every day and fought yourself over WHY your heart and soul do not match your body, would that not be tiring? And I don't mean that as simply as you don't look like a model with perfect shape, hair and teeth. I mean DEEPER. Add to that being a child, brain not even fully formed, trying to get through school and peer pressure, not to mention things like a pandemic. And you are one of the lucky ones whose family accepts you...then you try to do something about the deep issues of your gender dysphoria....</p><p>Then you go to the doctor...if you manage to actually be believed, there are now laws that allow doctors to refuse to help you. But hey, at least you can be visible now, right? Hell, we got flags and pretty colors and everything.</p><p>I have not personally faced these denials yet...not that way. I have actually been blessed by acceptance, despite the struggles to do so from those closest to me. I am upset, and have been upset, by what I see happening to others like me. To CHILDREN. And my heart hurts over it.</p><p>It hurts enough to go on this little written rant, that will be seen by few. And understood by fewer. But maybe one person sees it and it's helpful enough for them to not only SEE trans people but stand behind them. That's what this day is about. See us for being good people. See us as humans. See as being worthy of inclusion and love. Don't see us as a TARGET.</p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-68832998388731172012021-03-14T21:32:00.001-04:002021-03-14T21:32:19.242-04:00COVID-365<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuFgWVIqjPaXXYQgO0lh11Ehlj882hzyqh6dbG1vui-1Wof9tClhkSOWiYRpFQMEXp56fW7CjtAmIp5kFyur5lDhqsKBV9rheFRGqFkiKnOwBvfY4vngQ5agdcbnNMpo1wciRn0SpfHmKH/s225/365.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuFgWVIqjPaXXYQgO0lh11Ehlj882hzyqh6dbG1vui-1Wof9tClhkSOWiYRpFQMEXp56fW7CjtAmIp5kFyur5lDhqsKBV9rheFRGqFkiKnOwBvfY4vngQ5agdcbnNMpo1wciRn0SpfHmKH/w200-h200/365.png" width="200" /></a></div>Like many people, maybe all people, in the past few days I have been thinking about the year that has been. It's so odd to mark an anniversary in mid-March, but here we are. It feels like January 1st was insignificant this year, even though it was, as we shed the villainous "2020" and welcomed 2021 as the year things got better. Back to "normal".<p></p><p>I figure people who will read this will have similar thoughts, though many of the details will be different, depending on what COVID has meant to your life. I feel very fortunate that none of my family has been lost, and really no one was sick with COVID. Many people I know, many people you know, have not been nearly so fortunate.</p><p>The first thing that comes to mind from last March is the day I went to the office and was greeted by a co-worker that I had only met on conference calls. He recognized me since we now sat near each other, and I went to shake his hand as I said hello. He stopped me, and we did the elbow thing that had just been suggested by health officials instead. This virus that we'd heard about in December still didn't seem real. I can't recall the exact day this was, but it was somewhere near today's date on the calendar.</p><p>Soon thereafter, my company had a day, I think maybe a Tuesday, where we did a test run of readiness to possibly work from home if we needed to. I still didn't think too much of it (I am essentially an optimist and worry about global stuff only when it directly affects me; I have enough to deal with in my personal life) and we were back in the office the next day. Luckily, I already had an extra monitor at home for the occasional remote day, because the very next day, I got a text not long before I left on my commute that said, "we are working from home until further notice."</p><p>I think that is when it really started to hit me. That and how things started to shut down in rapid fashion. I don't follow basketball, but the NBA stopped. And hockey teams were told to not practise, and then games that I would have watched were postponed until who knows when. And baseball spring training, I remember the reporters I follow on Twitter talking about new restrictions on access to the players, and then those spring training games were cancelled, too.</p><p>In my personal life, this was just after I had finally decided to send my letter to my parents, explaining how I am trans and the whole history of it, to hopefully gain acceptance. As I think I wrote in this space, the printed letter never reached my parents. Which lead to months of wondering if it would, then hilarity as I attempted to get them to receive it via email (they aren't that technologically savvy) and finally confirmation in AUGUST that it had been received and read. It's the mystery of my year what happened to that letter I mailed literally a day or two before the world stopped.</p><p>A lot of the rest is just wondering if the virus would affect me and my immediate family, or people I knew and my family back home, finding masks, wearing masks, finding foods that were suddenly scarce, missing toilet paper and hand sanitizer, and arriving early in the morning to grocery stores and seeing the shelves were already empty. I remember a sobering trip to Walmart in hopes of scoring anything, really, items we don't normally buy, when we didn't have a clue how long we would be isolated in the house.</p><p>I remember, after some days had passed, getting in the car to again look for supplies and being amazed at how few cars were on the roads. It was just an eerie feeling for a time. I remember I had a doctor's appointment and having to wear a mask normally used to mow the grass because it's all I had and those couldn't be found to purchase, either. There was just an overwhelming sense of void. You know how you felt; I'm sure it was very similar.</p><p>I remember watching movie after movie as my normal viewing choices weren't available. TV shows ended their seasons early because filming had not been included when Hollywood shut down. Then just hearing with surrealism as places like Broadway and Disney World shuttered. And through it all, I was very fortunate to be safe at home and able to work. As the months passed, a couple of friends had scares about getting COVID but never actually did. Tracking my state's numbers of "cases" to see how it was going until I just stopped doing so.</p><p>There has been so much that we have had to deal with, all of us. And the amazing thing is, by and large, we have. There were tremendous issues and numbers of deaths in various areas. People criticized politicians for how they handled things and I definitely thought some of the decision-making was wonky too, but really, none of them had ever faced such a thing. I tried to cut them some slack. Some more than others.</p><p>Here in the USA, on top of it all, there was the presidential election. I wondered how that would evolve as traditional campaigning couldn't happen, and with people either on lockdown or just staying home, how many would vote and who would win. And how the results took so long to come in and be ratified. Not to mention the protests that occurred from legitimate concerns such as Black Lives Matter and other societal wrongs. The whole country felt like a powderkeg. Now I feel better about things in that regard, but a large portion of this country is not happy with how things are going. I respect their right to feel that way, whether I agree or not.</p><p>And so here we are, a year later. Masks are readily available, and at least where I live, either required or heavily encouraged. And we have vaccines being supplied to the global population. Kids are back in school in many areas. It's rather amazing when you think about it. We are not out of the woods at all, but there seems to be lots of hope to live in a bit less fear as the next few months pass. As always, hope is such a powerful thing.</p><p>So many people have had their lives forever altered. Loss of loved ones, jobs, businesses, you name it. We can only hope a new equilibrium is found soon and people can more easily thrive again. And yet, while all that was going on, babies were born, people found love (even if socially distanced) and opportunity. We have learned so much about so much, particularly the resilience of the human race. We bend, but we don't break. That is my belief.</p><p>I've experienced the lowest of lows in the past year. I have also experienced some amazing highs. I am a "real person" now if still a work in progress. I have some family and friends that call me Shannyn and have seen me in my favored guise. It has been a hell of a ride on the rollercoaster of life. To everyone out there, I welcome any thoughts you have to share, and I wish you as much positivity as I can muster as I encourage you to continue enduring, be safe, and keep riding.</p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-31377995983457337302021-03-04T11:37:00.006-05:002021-03-04T11:55:20.137-05:00New Blog Theme - issue addressed<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEPbN0HK-LAIoX8q85c2YGAaqm4PAuTJ7BlDS1gYdKQioizwBVAi8yaRhBPCvPMb7YD5LMRyVqROD3wJQTXpi_xrJCUynJQsQQLsuAa-wF18woQ2VcPEDhvjwgJ7DRswhTSil4r-jBQX1S/s230/resolved_image.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="230" data-original-width="219" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEPbN0HK-LAIoX8q85c2YGAaqm4PAuTJ7BlDS1gYdKQioizwBVAi8yaRhBPCvPMb7YD5LMRyVqROD3wJQTXpi_xrJCUynJQsQQLsuAa-wF18woQ2VcPEDhvjwgJ7DRswhTSil4r-jBQX1S/s16000/resolved_image.jpg" /></a></div><br />Just a real quick note about the new theme on the site. I hope you like it. I became aware yesterday that on mobile, any videos I embedded weren't showing up; only on a computer would you see them. So the solution was to re-do the theme. I like this one, it is a lot simpler and cleaner. Let me know what you think or if you see any other issues when visiting me here.<p></p><p>Let's test with...a video!</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/wCDIYvFmgW8" width="320" youtube-src-id="wCDIYvFmgW8"></iframe></div><br /><p><br /></p><br /><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-62655499059313204092021-03-02T16:21:00.002-05:002021-03-03T20:35:39.252-05:00Why We Take Pictures Of Ourselves Constantly<p>In terms of my audience here, most of my readers, I think, are LGBTQ-type folks, many of them feminine-leaning trans folk or crossdressers (CD). I know some cis people read it now as well, so hopefully, everyone gets something from this post. It's about pictures and why people like me seem so obsessed with producing them of ourselves.<span></span></p><a name="more"></a><p></p><p>I can't really speak for anyone besides myself, and I believe that like so many things, how trans and CD people think isn't as different from anybody else, by and large. I am finding it's just the details, and possibly the degree differs a bit. I know that I am pretty guilty of thinking I'm the only one that does what I do and thinks like I do. I know I'm not. In fact, because I tend to feel this way contributes to some of my actions, and the taking of pictures is no exception.</p><p>To me, it's all about proving oneself. Over and over. And that's not anything that out of the ordinary; I think many of us in all walks of life try to do this for any number of things. Work is one of them. We try to prove our worth to our employer. If you are your own employer, you might be trying to prove that what you do is worthwhile, even if you only answer to yourself. The list is endless.</p><p>A lot of people seem to think that trans and crossdressers are narcissistic. Maybe that's true to some extent. That tendency to look inward seems to be fairly prevalent in the groups I have interacted with over many years. But, it's FAR from the whole story. For myself, there's a constant need to fit the narrative, real or imagined. We all know that we can perceive something very different than reality. Everyone's feelings are valid, so perception counts.</p><p>I will say also that for many, there can be a fetish element involved in taking pictures. Part of the emotional components to it is wanting to feel sexy. Sexy is a component of attractive. Attractive means you look the part. Looking the part means acceptance, of one's self and from others. The level of need varies, of course, as well as the starting point. Many trans people never have any fetish elements; they are following their hearts from day one.</p><p>For whatever reason, a lot of us need that acceptance. The same goes for anything any person does. Producing a great-looking PowerPoint helps increase the acceptance factor in your work project, and is just as enjoyable to produce for some people.</p><p>Lots of CD people know exactly why they do it, and lots don't. I didn't know why I did for decades. My crossdressing which was unexplainable even to myself turned into the realization of being trans. The reasons and motivation changed through the years as I learned about myself. Doesn't that sound familiar to you, for some things in your life? We all never stop evolving.</p><p>These days, I am driven to be able to navigate the world appearing as I like, which means clothes, shoes, makeup, accessories, all of it. So my impetus is when I do get that opportunity (contrary to some belief, I am still nowhere close to "full-time"), to check myself to see how my effort turned out. A lot of people just do this in the moment, before they go out, or during a bathroom break or look in a small mirror. I think the difference to me is the permanence of the image.</p><p>Not only do I need to make sure I look at least okay, but I also need to be able to preserve that image for later, when I feel like maybe I didn't do as well as I thought, or more importantly, that I can't do it AGAIN. At least to the same level, maybe better. Again, it's just the details. Everyone does this to some extent. You save the old Powerpoint and use it as a template for next time. Some need this much more than me; many need it much less.</p><p>Maybe this sounds like undue worry and effort. We all should be happy with our images, we shouldn't worry about what others think, but unfortunately, we do. I do. I don't know how the levels of this compare between someone born in one box trying to fit into an alternate box versus anything else in life that a person might not be happy/satisfied with, I just know it's real. </p><p>And it doesn't seem to ever go away. Not completely. I have read books and articles and blogs and Twitter posts, you name it, from people that have transitioned. While it does seem very positive for those who complete that journey, they never FULLY complete it. They can still have doubts. Their PowerPoint is never good enough to feel 100% like they fit in.</p><p>I'll end with my most recent picture. I am pretty happy with it. It looks like me. I can find the flaws, of which there are many. But I look back at it and it helps. It gives me hope I can live in the world as I want to. It gives me hope I can fit in even better. It gives me hope that one day, I won't worry about achieving my look and I won't worry about how well I fit in. I will just BE.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigeLW2A1MsgtjdR398A8c4ouVsQC-8YCi2n-0ERbAnQiPJsgd5CDvU_rgMgNMd9ER7wquGboDQpMi7oFj6g74f4bk2Vmz0uR__WcT75WbdfS6Ifa1CdAd1FS_V28ReHwgPfI67BmeuIfB2/s1280/FrameArt_20213214533103.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="1280" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigeLW2A1MsgtjdR398A8c4ouVsQC-8YCi2n-0ERbAnQiPJsgd5CDvU_rgMgNMd9ER7wquGboDQpMi7oFj6g74f4bk2Vmz0uR__WcT75WbdfS6Ifa1CdAd1FS_V28ReHwgPfI67BmeuIfB2/w200-h200/FrameArt_20213214533103.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-10026139161016071272021-02-22T10:52:00.001-05:002021-02-22T10:52:47.412-05:00Two-Year HRT Anniversary: Time Flies<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4m4WG49zuPTs2aGr2bcPSH1O2g8lhuQiVWCbjQHFq4RvX4CxI9j_OEw4Dv4ZHzk_9OMMUtTsZPts3pOdLU04gPUxI-jVnVLZUDxg5ijSk9sg2D3l3_X2RA43tzuqAFsbxErHnJ1uWg37z/s728/2.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="728" data-original-width="728" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4m4WG49zuPTs2aGr2bcPSH1O2g8lhuQiVWCbjQHFq4RvX4CxI9j_OEw4Dv4ZHzk_9OMMUtTsZPts3pOdLU04gPUxI-jVnVLZUDxg5ijSk9sg2D3l3_X2RA43tzuqAFsbxErHnJ1uWg37z/w200-h200/2.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>I'm big on birthdays, but I guess not as much on anniversaries. I haven't got a lot to say here. This seems like an obligatory "next in the series" post since I did one at <a href="https://shannyncomesalive.blogspot.com/2019/08/finding-perspective.html">six months</a> and <a href="https://shannyncomesalive.blogspot.com/2020/02/hormoniversary.html">one year</a>. It is good to look back on this stuff, especially in times of inertia (perceived inertia) like now. Maybe when I look back at this it will be cooler than I think it is at this moment. We shall see.<div><br /></div><div>It's still the second anniversary of getting approved for estrogen (Estradiol) and the T-blocker Spironolactone. If you follow the blog, you know the Spiro is long gone now (three months post-orchiectomy) and I am just taking Estrogen now. That has switched to patches instead of pills, .6 mg total. I was only on .1, but my level was pretty low and so now it's .1 plus .5. Two patches at a times.</div><div><br /></div><div>I see the endocrinologist on March 9 and will get labs drawn ahead of that. And we will see where we are. I don't really feel the patches are doing much better than the pills, and they are a pain to deal with (making sure they don't come off early, mostly). I'd like injections, but the doctor was hesitant last time on that. I'll keep you posted after the appointment.</div><div><br /></div><div>Really, that's it. There's nothing new that I haven't said before in this space. Life is mostly about the job and other everyday issues that we all deal with. I don't really feel like getting into that here right now, honestly.</div><div><br /></div><div>On a personal note, I did have a really nice outing this weekend at my cousin's place. We had a great meal of spaghetti, watched sports and just talked. I get to truly be myself there, so the moments are precious. Putting together a look and seeing the result, while still far from ideal, gave me a new burst of hope for the future. Which really is all we can expect at most times. Get from moment to moment with just enough momentum to keep going. I certainly feel that now, and am looking forward to what comes next, despite the many obstacles. Keep on keepin' on!</div>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4767236415105420673.post-83281293418161658712021-02-14T17:29:00.001-05:002021-02-14T17:29:08.189-05:00Direction and Degree<p>They say perception is reality. <span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>Do you ever stop to think that looking in the mirror is not you looking at reality? It's not. I mean, for starters, the image is transposed (your right is on the left and vice-versa); it is a reflection. Heck, if you want to take it further, you might make an argument that when it comes to one's self, we never quite know reality.</p><p>Now, maybe you are thinking, what about video? If you see yourself in a video, that's really you, right? I'm not sure if it's any different, the scientists can call me out on this whole argument, I would imagine. It seems when you have a more full image of yourself to work with, you can more easily do the mental gymnastics to flip what you see towards what it really is. But if I look in the mirror and see a pimple on my left side, it's really on the right, and I only know that once I do the brain flip-flop.</p><p>And don'r even get me started on how the eye's retina sees things upside down and once again, the brain makes the adjustment in the....wait for it...blink of an eye.</p><p>I say all that to say all this. A great many of us are perceiving things that are not reality. Of course, perception is way more than visual. There are the five senses of course, but there are more factors at work. I'm nowhere near smart enough to list them all (at least I perceive I'm not; maybe I am. MAYBE I am just too lazy to think about them or look them up).</p><p>A few things happened today that have me in this mode of thought. The first is some gender dysphoria that I think I won't get into right now, other than to say the mirror is damn tricky...there are times I see myself in it and a smile will form on my face (no idea why, other than the hair, I suppose) and other times there just really seems like there is nothing here to see.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/poZnXsKLvTVGo/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="500" height="183" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/poZnXsKLvTVGo/giphy.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Secondly, I was talking to a couple different people and without getting into my dysphotic details, the conversations went around to how they felt about their body images. We all admitted in one way or another that we alternately either see nothing good, nothing too bad, or often both sides of the coin in the same image. Since <a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/poZnXsKLvTVGo/giphy.gif" target="_blank">perception is NOT REALITY</a>, we have the ability to see anything and everything, very often at the same time.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/TNYy8aY7yateU/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="199" data-original-width="300" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/TNYy8aY7yateU/giphy.gif" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It gets confusing; it can get overwhelming. Until you remember it's not reality anyway, most of the time. I could argue that someone in a body intended for a gender that isn't yours is a reality that is harder to deal with than thinking one's new oil painting looks like a 3-year-old painted it, but until you have the full context, you can't really make a comparison, nor should you try. If you strike 2 people each on their big toe with a hammer, unless you have a heartbeat monitor handy, you can't know for sure who is in more pain. It's a waste of time.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">The third thing in this whole "perception vs. reality" deal with me today is a movie I just watched called <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4486986/" target="_blank">All I See Is You</a>. I won't give it all away, but it involves someone who is blind and in a marriage getting some of their sight back. Both parties face a massive adjustment, not just the one who was legally blind in both eyes before surgery. That whole situation seems more a reality problem, as in the reality changes, but any solution deals with how the people deal with it (which, to me, involves their choice in perception).</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div>My takeaway, for the moment, is to realize that thoughts are fleeting and hardly static in nature. You can change reality by making choices to improve something you don't like. Or, you can not do that and potentially fall prey to a deteriorating perception of self. If you are in the process of losing five pounds, you would consider that heading in the right direction and are less likely to notice the pimple on your cheek than if you merely are THINKING of losing 5 pounds. In that case, not only does that pimple look HUGE, but you are likely to double-down and call yourself fat. The mirror is freaking <b><i>lying </i></b>to you. Don't let it!<div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/WtOdb75cMcjIK2jmTq/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="480" height="267" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/WtOdb75cMcjIK2jmTq/giphy.gif" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p></div>Shannyn Elyssehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11560134283645089149noreply@blogger.com1