Gender Dysphoria 2: Return Of The Churn
I've been trying to get a grip on my feelings since they took a nosedive on Sunday. I had a moment of sadness that grabbed me while shopping with my wife and son, and it didn't let go for the rest of the night. The next day, my wife wanted me to explain what had happened to me. She wanted to know if it was something they did. It really wasn't. But an hour later, she knew what had made me upset and I'm sad to report I then felt worse.
I was off work Monday and Tuesday, so time on my hands probably wasn't a good thing. I felt lethargic and just kinda sad. Not much energy. I was actually glad to go back to work on Wednesday, and although I fought the urge to call out, I didn't, thinking if I could just get there, work would distract me. That worked to a degree. I had enough to do and was away from some of the sources of my frustration for a while.
The thing is, I wasn't able to completely put my finger on what was bothering me. It started to feel like everything was bothering me. I suddenly felt sad, confused, as well as very unsure of my direction in life. And angry. The anger built up more and more until today I was very frustrated with myself and letting things frustrate me so. Which made it worse.
Today at work, I was the point person for my team, and that lead to me having to pick up the slack for others, and having to extract information from others as if it was pulling teeth. Not to mention a new process that most definitely is not yet improving things. Add that to the anger I already had, and I was not a happy camper for a while.
Two things happened through the day which helped me come around some. A couple new friends I have made on Twitter gave inputs both direct and indirect that brought me some hope and focus.
The first was a suggestion regarding my HRT from a sweet girl named Tori. Yesterday she was asking questions about how my T-blocker hasn't been really doing the things I expect it to. I've really only noticed a couple things about this and felt I was ok to be in a holding pattern until early February when I get my next checkup. The first was that my testosterone levels are UP (forgive me, I feel like I've mentioned this before) and the other is a slight increase in hair regrowth in places other than my head.
Long story short on that, I emailed my doc about Tori's suggestion, just to see what he'd say. And I'm going to make a change that he countered with. That's the hopeful part. I'm relaxing a bit while I give that a try.
I found out about the med change in the late morning, which gave me a slight boost, though not quite immediately due to the work irritation. The other thing that has helped bring me around was quite unexpected. And so appreciated. Another new friend, Alli, has a blog of her own, and as you see if you read her post from today, she is in the midst of figuring out her future as well.
In reading Alli's post this afternoon, I realized that many of her fears of things that could come from any attempt at transition to whatever degree were mine as well. The events of the past few days, as well as the testosterone thing, I think, made me question not who I am, but the ability to bring who I am into the light as I want. I've had a plan to come clean with my family as I wrote here last time, and I was hit with the fears of, ok, if I do this, can I ever get to where I'm presenting the way I want to? Some very real physical body issues exist for me, and it scares me a lot sometimes.
I think the T-level not being where it should be, and the rising E-level, have thrown my body into conflict again. I have felt neither female nor male. I've noticed my mind has been churning and it has made me sad. I thought being on HRT would end that, as I have been increasingly better the past several months. I guess now I realize the job is far from done in that regard. It's like they tell you: going on hormones will not take away any of your other troubles, it can only help you deal with them better if you are someone who needs to recalibrate your hormones. As I do. And need to continue tinkering with, with my doctor's supervision, until we get it where it needs to be.
Writing this helps me. Interacting with friends both old and new helps me. I'm grateful for the support I get, and I am hopeful that I get back to a good level very soon. I'm pretty sure I can. And I must say, I hope there isn't a third chapter in the "Gender Dysphoria" trilogy, but I know there will be. That's the way it goes. One day at a time, building my better boat.
This might be my last post before Christmas, so to those of you who celebrate, Merry Christmas! Whether you celebrate or you don't, I appreciate you reading these posts. I hope this message finds you well. If you experience "the churn" or other troubles, keep going. It will improve.
I was off work Monday and Tuesday, so time on my hands probably wasn't a good thing. I felt lethargic and just kinda sad. Not much energy. I was actually glad to go back to work on Wednesday, and although I fought the urge to call out, I didn't, thinking if I could just get there, work would distract me. That worked to a degree. I had enough to do and was away from some of the sources of my frustration for a while.
The thing is, I wasn't able to completely put my finger on what was bothering me. It started to feel like everything was bothering me. I suddenly felt sad, confused, as well as very unsure of my direction in life. And angry. The anger built up more and more until today I was very frustrated with myself and letting things frustrate me so. Which made it worse.
Today at work, I was the point person for my team, and that lead to me having to pick up the slack for others, and having to extract information from others as if it was pulling teeth. Not to mention a new process that most definitely is not yet improving things. Add that to the anger I already had, and I was not a happy camper for a while.
Two things happened through the day which helped me come around some. A couple new friends I have made on Twitter gave inputs both direct and indirect that brought me some hope and focus.
The first was a suggestion regarding my HRT from a sweet girl named Tori. Yesterday she was asking questions about how my T-blocker hasn't been really doing the things I expect it to. I've really only noticed a couple things about this and felt I was ok to be in a holding pattern until early February when I get my next checkup. The first was that my testosterone levels are UP (forgive me, I feel like I've mentioned this before) and the other is a slight increase in hair regrowth in places other than my head.
Long story short on that, I emailed my doc about Tori's suggestion, just to see what he'd say. And I'm going to make a change that he countered with. That's the hopeful part. I'm relaxing a bit while I give that a try.
I found out about the med change in the late morning, which gave me a slight boost, though not quite immediately due to the work irritation. The other thing that has helped bring me around was quite unexpected. And so appreciated. Another new friend, Alli, has a blog of her own, and as you see if you read her post from today, she is in the midst of figuring out her future as well.
In reading Alli's post this afternoon, I realized that many of her fears of things that could come from any attempt at transition to whatever degree were mine as well. The events of the past few days, as well as the testosterone thing, I think, made me question not who I am, but the ability to bring who I am into the light as I want. I've had a plan to come clean with my family as I wrote here last time, and I was hit with the fears of, ok, if I do this, can I ever get to where I'm presenting the way I want to? Some very real physical body issues exist for me, and it scares me a lot sometimes.
I think the T-level not being where it should be, and the rising E-level, have thrown my body into conflict again. I have felt neither female nor male. I've noticed my mind has been churning and it has made me sad. I thought being on HRT would end that, as I have been increasingly better the past several months. I guess now I realize the job is far from done in that regard. It's like they tell you: going on hormones will not take away any of your other troubles, it can only help you deal with them better if you are someone who needs to recalibrate your hormones. As I do. And need to continue tinkering with, with my doctor's supervision, until we get it where it needs to be.
Writing this helps me. Interacting with friends both old and new helps me. I'm grateful for the support I get, and I am hopeful that I get back to a good level very soon. I'm pretty sure I can. And I must say, I hope there isn't a third chapter in the "Gender Dysphoria" trilogy, but I know there will be. That's the way it goes. One day at a time, building my better boat.
This might be my last post before Christmas, so to those of you who celebrate, Merry Christmas! Whether you celebrate or you don't, I appreciate you reading these posts. I hope this message finds you well. If you experience "the churn" or other troubles, keep going. It will improve.
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