Caitlyn
You never know how one action will play out in the future. Some are very minor, some are momentous. It certainly was a very small thing in life when I joined the library a while back, and it's the same now. Considering our current worldwide predicament, a free option to read books online or hear some audiobooks helps in this period of isolation. I was browsing the somewhat limited selection of e-books a couple of weeks ago, searching for transgender subjects, and stumbled on Caitlyn Jenner's autobiography, The Secrets Of My Life.
Jenner seems to be a divisive figure in general, especially in the trans community. I honestly don't keep up with much gossip on anything, so I don't really know much that has happened concerning her since the book came out. And really, I don't think current events matter a lot. Not in my perspective, anyway. The book was her journey.
Maybe I just got sucked into the story, maybe I'm naive and will believe anything. I have this sensation that some who see this post will immediately laugh it off, get angry, or just move on. The public shenanigans of the Jenners and Kardashians over the past decade or so make for a lot of different reactions. As with anything though, perhaps there is value in at least CONSIDERING what's under the hood.
At first, I was just reading to read, to pass the time. I never intended to blog about the book, but as I tend to do, I started to make highlights in the e-reader, and I found similarities to myself and others. I never thought I'd really have anything in common with Caitlyn Jenner, but it turns out there is a lot. And just like when you meet a celebrity, they are just human, too. I'm sure she is semi-isolated right now, as we all are, albeit a lot more comfortable than most of us.
(A quick aside regarding how we aren't all that different: Yesterday morning I woke up and listened to one of my baseball podcasts, and one of those hosts, Jaysan Stark, mentioned how his washing machine had failed, and how no one is available to fix it right now. He's one of the top baseball writers in the country and can afford repairs easier than some. But, he's just as stuck as we all are. I suddenly felt less bad about the fact my clothes dryer is dead suddenly. I'd rather hang clothes to dry than try to wash by hand. EVERYTHING is relative, my friends.)
You can totally read privilege and wealth into her story, but it's a lot more toned down than I would have expected. There's a lot more real-life in there than name-dropping and glitz/glamour. I'm just going to share some passages that I read in the book, and keep the commentary minimal. Perhaps some of you will want to read the book, especially if you are a trans female.
As the story goes, gender issues from an early age lead the then Bruce Jenner to put everything he had into the chase of the Olympics. After reaching the pinnacle in 1976, and feeding off the ever-dwindling admiration as he reached the 1980s with no "Great Diversion" to occupy his mind, he writes about his second marriage, "We bicker. I am moody, the kind of moodiness that comes when you are yearning to be someone and something different, this fire inside you that only gets hotter and hotter with no real escape."
I identify with that. I identify with just about everything she writes about, other than all the fame and fortune. She then says of that period in her life, "I seek every opportunity to cross-dress. It is a temporary fix, like it always is. You feel a rush of adrenaline and then you feel as sad and deflated as ever, playacting when you don't want to play and don't want to act anymore. But something is still better than nothing."
Regarding his (her?) videotaping himself (herself?) walking while cross-dressed in those earlier days, Caitlyn describes how "I look to some degree like a man who decides to wear a dress when his wife and kids are away. But...I don't see Bruce Jenner in a dress. I see me." It sounds like typical dysphoria to me. I used to wonder if I was a "man who wanted to wear dresses", too, but now I'm similar. When I see myself in feminine mode, I don't see a man, I see myself. Maybe an ugly self, but it's still a woman.
Bruce's second wife Linda is told of his gender issues and they attend counseling. TOGETHER. What a concept! And even way back then, 30+ years ago, the therapist responds to the question of whether the dysphoria is temporary with: "never. It is only a matter of how you deal with it."
In telling her whole life story, in a fashion that goes back and forth between Bruce's life and Caitlyn describing her actual transition, there are plenty of opportunities to think about what might have been. She talks about meeting Renee Richards "at a banquet. I admired and envied her, but I didn't have the courage to speak to her of my own gender issues."
At many times, the contrast between Bruce Jenner, the ultra-male world champion in the decathlon, the defining Olympic event then and perhaps now, and the woman inside is made. Can you imagine being THAT famous for being one way, yet burning to be anything but? We all bury parts of ourselves, but for someone like that, it's almost needing to bury your Mount Everest in the Marianas Trench. It can be done, but wow, what a lot of work, on the inside and outside.
Say what you want about Caitlyn, she has a lot of children, people to disappoint. So much potential disappointment, no matter what. She held off transition for a long time to try to live a "normal" life (as normal as being on a show with the Kardashians could ever be), and if you wipe away the shiny details, the silly portrayal of Bruce on the show, you see similar struggles to any trans person.
Caitlyn talks about the late 1980s and says in regards to transition and HRT, "the woman in me needs estrogen to blossom. I have to feed the beast, so to speak, and since I obviously cannot produce it myself, I need an alternative." If you aren't familiar with her story, she goes on HRT for somewhere around 4 years, then stops. Because of all the old doubts, the need to make a living, a new marriage, a bunch more children. LIFE gets in the way.
Of course, she goes on to have FFS and breast surgery in fall 2016. Then the "Final Surgery" in 2017. Before and after all this, she does her public interviews with Diane Sawyer and Vanity Fair. I bought that issue when it came out, and hid it in my office. It was fascinating to read at the time. I will admit also that when she had her show I Am Cait, I watched one or two episodes. It wasn't my kind of show, no matter the subject, and the whole Beverly Hills thing seemed pretty silly and over the top.
I finished the book today, and it was nice to read some of the words she wrote about how the transition has been good for her overall. There are still hurdles, particularly with some of her children. But, for someone like me, who writes to attempt to help others feel less alone in all this, reading her say about life after transition, "there is no guide or checklist except those meaningless stereotypes. Each of us is distinct and different, so self-evident yet so difficult for so many people to accept or embrace. We all have choices. We should be allowed to make them without threat" was particularly helpful.
More passages I enjoyed reading near the end:
"...there is no right way to be, or wrong way to be, or any way to be except who you are."
"It is easier for me to show emotions now although it will never be easy. I feel so much more connected to the world now. I get up in the morning and get out of bed and look in the mirror and everything is in kind of the right spot - well, almost everything. I put on the clothes I want to put on without the perpetual fear that someone will see me or discover me. I go out and do the things I want to do without assuming a mask. My life is so much simpler now, no more a thousand steps for a sliver of authenticity." (this one really sounds good to me, on several levels)
"...don't ever let your life succumb to what others think. Do not give into fear, as I did for so many years. Do what is in your heart and soul. I guarantee you will never ever regret it. Instead, you will have the very opposite, not an imagined life but a life of new possibility, a true life."
A transition is one of those momentous changes that happens during life. Lots of ups and downs, no matter how rich and famous you are. In the end, I gained insight and some comfort from reading this book. I recommend it for anyone considering a transition.
Jenner seems to be a divisive figure in general, especially in the trans community. I honestly don't keep up with much gossip on anything, so I don't really know much that has happened concerning her since the book came out. And really, I don't think current events matter a lot. Not in my perspective, anyway. The book was her journey.
Maybe I just got sucked into the story, maybe I'm naive and will believe anything. I have this sensation that some who see this post will immediately laugh it off, get angry, or just move on. The public shenanigans of the Jenners and Kardashians over the past decade or so make for a lot of different reactions. As with anything though, perhaps there is value in at least CONSIDERING what's under the hood.
At first, I was just reading to read, to pass the time. I never intended to blog about the book, but as I tend to do, I started to make highlights in the e-reader, and I found similarities to myself and others. I never thought I'd really have anything in common with Caitlyn Jenner, but it turns out there is a lot. And just like when you meet a celebrity, they are just human, too. I'm sure she is semi-isolated right now, as we all are, albeit a lot more comfortable than most of us.
(A quick aside regarding how we aren't all that different: Yesterday morning I woke up and listened to one of my baseball podcasts, and one of those hosts, Jaysan Stark, mentioned how his washing machine had failed, and how no one is available to fix it right now. He's one of the top baseball writers in the country and can afford repairs easier than some. But, he's just as stuck as we all are. I suddenly felt less bad about the fact my clothes dryer is dead suddenly. I'd rather hang clothes to dry than try to wash by hand. EVERYTHING is relative, my friends.)
You can totally read privilege and wealth into her story, but it's a lot more toned down than I would have expected. There's a lot more real-life in there than name-dropping and glitz/glamour. I'm just going to share some passages that I read in the book, and keep the commentary minimal. Perhaps some of you will want to read the book, especially if you are a trans female.
As the story goes, gender issues from an early age lead the then Bruce Jenner to put everything he had into the chase of the Olympics. After reaching the pinnacle in 1976, and feeding off the ever-dwindling admiration as he reached the 1980s with no "Great Diversion" to occupy his mind, he writes about his second marriage, "We bicker. I am moody, the kind of moodiness that comes when you are yearning to be someone and something different, this fire inside you that only gets hotter and hotter with no real escape."
I identify with that. I identify with just about everything she writes about, other than all the fame and fortune. She then says of that period in her life, "I seek every opportunity to cross-dress. It is a temporary fix, like it always is. You feel a rush of adrenaline and then you feel as sad and deflated as ever, playacting when you don't want to play and don't want to act anymore. But something is still better than nothing."
Regarding his (her?) videotaping himself (herself?) walking while cross-dressed in those earlier days, Caitlyn describes how "I look to some degree like a man who decides to wear a dress when his wife and kids are away. But...I don't see Bruce Jenner in a dress. I see me." It sounds like typical dysphoria to me. I used to wonder if I was a "man who wanted to wear dresses", too, but now I'm similar. When I see myself in feminine mode, I don't see a man, I see myself. Maybe an ugly self, but it's still a woman.
Bruce's second wife Linda is told of his gender issues and they attend counseling. TOGETHER. What a concept! And even way back then, 30+ years ago, the therapist responds to the question of whether the dysphoria is temporary with: "never. It is only a matter of how you deal with it."
In telling her whole life story, in a fashion that goes back and forth between Bruce's life and Caitlyn describing her actual transition, there are plenty of opportunities to think about what might have been. She talks about meeting Renee Richards "at a banquet. I admired and envied her, but I didn't have the courage to speak to her of my own gender issues."
At many times, the contrast between Bruce Jenner, the ultra-male world champion in the decathlon, the defining Olympic event then and perhaps now, and the woman inside is made. Can you imagine being THAT famous for being one way, yet burning to be anything but? We all bury parts of ourselves, but for someone like that, it's almost needing to bury your Mount Everest in the Marianas Trench. It can be done, but wow, what a lot of work, on the inside and outside.
Say what you want about Caitlyn, she has a lot of children, people to disappoint. So much potential disappointment, no matter what. She held off transition for a long time to try to live a "normal" life (as normal as being on a show with the Kardashians could ever be), and if you wipe away the shiny details, the silly portrayal of Bruce on the show, you see similar struggles to any trans person.
Caitlyn talks about the late 1980s and says in regards to transition and HRT, "the woman in me needs estrogen to blossom. I have to feed the beast, so to speak, and since I obviously cannot produce it myself, I need an alternative." If you aren't familiar with her story, she goes on HRT for somewhere around 4 years, then stops. Because of all the old doubts, the need to make a living, a new marriage, a bunch more children. LIFE gets in the way.
Of course, she goes on to have FFS and breast surgery in fall 2016. Then the "Final Surgery" in 2017. Before and after all this, she does her public interviews with Diane Sawyer and Vanity Fair. I bought that issue when it came out, and hid it in my office. It was fascinating to read at the time. I will admit also that when she had her show I Am Cait, I watched one or two episodes. It wasn't my kind of show, no matter the subject, and the whole Beverly Hills thing seemed pretty silly and over the top.
I finished the book today, and it was nice to read some of the words she wrote about how the transition has been good for her overall. There are still hurdles, particularly with some of her children. But, for someone like me, who writes to attempt to help others feel less alone in all this, reading her say about life after transition, "there is no guide or checklist except those meaningless stereotypes. Each of us is distinct and different, so self-evident yet so difficult for so many people to accept or embrace. We all have choices. We should be allowed to make them without threat" was particularly helpful.
More passages I enjoyed reading near the end:
"...there is no right way to be, or wrong way to be, or any way to be except who you are."
"It is easier for me to show emotions now although it will never be easy. I feel so much more connected to the world now. I get up in the morning and get out of bed and look in the mirror and everything is in kind of the right spot - well, almost everything. I put on the clothes I want to put on without the perpetual fear that someone will see me or discover me. I go out and do the things I want to do without assuming a mask. My life is so much simpler now, no more a thousand steps for a sliver of authenticity." (this one really sounds good to me, on several levels)
"...don't ever let your life succumb to what others think. Do not give into fear, as I did for so many years. Do what is in your heart and soul. I guarantee you will never ever regret it. Instead, you will have the very opposite, not an imagined life but a life of new possibility, a true life."
A transition is one of those momentous changes that happens during life. Lots of ups and downs, no matter how rich and famous you are. In the end, I gained insight and some comfort from reading this book. I recommend it for anyone considering a transition.
For context, I'm a 63yo trans woman, out and about, with all the transition finished last year. So, Caitlyn and I are about the same age.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your writing about her book. I haven't been inclined to buy or read it. I don't know exactly why since I used to gobble such things up several years ago as I was in the throes of finally coming to understand myself.
A book I would highly recommend is "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle. She's a cis woman, came out later in life as a lesbian (like me if you will and several girlfriends). So much of what she writes resonates for me.
She writes mostly about how, as a female, she was put into a mold starting around age 10, and how she broke out of that mold. For me, I struggled with my own dysphoria since about 4 or 5. Much different from hers of course but it's delightful to read about it in her voice.
I never had any idea or plan that I would have pegged the needle to the right on the Benjamin scale. I used to think that transition was about moving toward where one is on that scale. I realize now, though, that it's much much better and greater than that. It's about transitioning to one's authentic self. Delightful!
Thank you for the comments and book suggestion, Emma. I might need to look into this book you mention. Here's the Amazon link for anyone interested in it: https://www.amazon.com/Untamed-Glennon-Doyle-Melton/dp/1984801252
DeleteI may have to read that book now. Frankly it seems a bit more real and insightful than I would have possibly given credit.
ReplyDelete