Confidence
It's been a while since I wrote anything. Anything I published, at least. In the past month, life has continued on its rollercoaster ride. Living in the time of COVID-19, work being crazy busy, frustrating times with family, all kinds of stuff. And all the while, dysphoria. Different dysphoria than before, but it's still there. I haven't quite been able to find the muse to get my thoughts out like I want.
I'm fairly sure I could not be a professional writer. Forcing things doesn't seem to work. But, I know when the time is right to start hen-pecking like I'm doing now. Again, a movie I saw today kinda provides a vehicle for me to share some of what's been on my mind.
There is only one place in the world that truly matters, and that place is between our two ears. If the noggin isn't happy, all the peripherals don't matter. Of course, those things all influence what's going with us on the inside, and how we deal with it is key. Groan all you want, but I watched the movie I Feel Pretty today, starring Amy Schumer. Circumstances conspired to get me to watch this one (most especially a very-soon-expiring Showtime trial), and as is often the case, I'm glad they did.
The gist of the movie is that a normal young woman, life sabotaged by what is between her ears, suddenly gains amazing confidence in herself, and as the cliches all go, her life changes for the better. We can learn a few things about ourselves in watching the events unfold, and the main thing I took away from it all was the idea of CONFIDENCE. With it, we can move mountains. Without it, things seem a whole lot more difficult.
Amy's character Renee literally wishes to be beautiful. She wants to experience the things that she perceives the beautiful girls do. And they do get these things, there's no doubt about it. When whatever magic happens that deludes her into suddenly seeing herself as gorgeous (though she looks exactly the same), success begins to come to her. If you've ever watched a similar movie before, you know the magic isn't likely to last.
In this case, I thought the twist was that, unlike most other movies, she doesn't become more beautiful or glamorous and no one perceives her visually any different than before. Heck, we don't even see the false visual in mirror shots of her. It's completely in her head. And it will get completely knocked out of her head toward the end (a seriously funny and quick bit of slapstick that made me laugh despite the huge gash in her skull).
Yes, it's a rom-com. Yes, the happy ending occurs. Sure, maybe it's cheesy. But there are good points made in it, especially for women and how we perceive ourselves. I identified with it because I lack confidence, and unfortunately, a lot of that is due to my body image. That's where the dysphoria is right now. One minute I'm thinking, I can definitely get into the world as a woman if I have some decent clothes, the next I feel like there is absolutely no way I can, and if only I wasn't like I am, I wouldn't have such a problem.
The truth with Renee is, she actually looks fine. She's not super thin in this movie, but she wears some really cute clothes, even before the magic confidence. I'd love to look as good as that, considering all I see right now is that my figure is terrible, my hair will never measure up to the average female, makeup intimidates the hell out of me, and on and on. I sure wish I could find that confidence.
Most of us do, I think. Towards the end of the movie, Renee re-encounters a beautiful girl after spin class and she's upset. She'd gotten dumped. And she has confidence and image issues, despite what the world at large would consider a killer body and looks. So, it's all relative. Part of me says, you don't want to be delusional about appearance and embarrass yourself, as Renee might have (actually, she really never does to any great degree). The other part of me says to just own it like so many women, both trans and cisgender, and live my life.
I'm working on all this. We all need to keep working on "it" (whatever your "it" is) if we aren't where we need to be between the ears. I know I'll never be beautiful, but I can work with what I have. The other day, I bought a cute shorts outfit at Target. I thought it flatters me enough that I can wear it out. I hope I will. I posted a few pictures of it on Flickr and haven't had a single reaction. But that's ok. I'm not on there to really show off. I felt cute in it. I blanked my face due to no makeup and general ugly face-iness, but showed my real hair for the first time. Up and down I go, ebbing and flowing.
To conclude, I just will say to anyone struggling with anything: hang in there. It's really all we can do. What choice do we have? We are here, we ought to make the best of it.
I'm fairly sure I could not be a professional writer. Forcing things doesn't seem to work. But, I know when the time is right to start hen-pecking like I'm doing now. Again, a movie I saw today kinda provides a vehicle for me to share some of what's been on my mind.
There is only one place in the world that truly matters, and that place is between our two ears. If the noggin isn't happy, all the peripherals don't matter. Of course, those things all influence what's going with us on the inside, and how we deal with it is key. Groan all you want, but I watched the movie I Feel Pretty today, starring Amy Schumer. Circumstances conspired to get me to watch this one (most especially a very-soon-expiring Showtime trial), and as is often the case, I'm glad they did.
The gist of the movie is that a normal young woman, life sabotaged by what is between her ears, suddenly gains amazing confidence in herself, and as the cliches all go, her life changes for the better. We can learn a few things about ourselves in watching the events unfold, and the main thing I took away from it all was the idea of CONFIDENCE. With it, we can move mountains. Without it, things seem a whole lot more difficult.
Amy's character Renee literally wishes to be beautiful. She wants to experience the things that she perceives the beautiful girls do. And they do get these things, there's no doubt about it. When whatever magic happens that deludes her into suddenly seeing herself as gorgeous (though she looks exactly the same), success begins to come to her. If you've ever watched a similar movie before, you know the magic isn't likely to last.
In this case, I thought the twist was that, unlike most other movies, she doesn't become more beautiful or glamorous and no one perceives her visually any different than before. Heck, we don't even see the false visual in mirror shots of her. It's completely in her head. And it will get completely knocked out of her head toward the end (a seriously funny and quick bit of slapstick that made me laugh despite the huge gash in her skull).
Yes, it's a rom-com. Yes, the happy ending occurs. Sure, maybe it's cheesy. But there are good points made in it, especially for women and how we perceive ourselves. I identified with it because I lack confidence, and unfortunately, a lot of that is due to my body image. That's where the dysphoria is right now. One minute I'm thinking, I can definitely get into the world as a woman if I have some decent clothes, the next I feel like there is absolutely no way I can, and if only I wasn't like I am, I wouldn't have such a problem.
The truth with Renee is, she actually looks fine. She's not super thin in this movie, but she wears some really cute clothes, even before the magic confidence. I'd love to look as good as that, considering all I see right now is that my figure is terrible, my hair will never measure up to the average female, makeup intimidates the hell out of me, and on and on. I sure wish I could find that confidence.
Most of us do, I think. Towards the end of the movie, Renee re-encounters a beautiful girl after spin class and she's upset. She'd gotten dumped. And she has confidence and image issues, despite what the world at large would consider a killer body and looks. So, it's all relative. Part of me says, you don't want to be delusional about appearance and embarrass yourself, as Renee might have (actually, she really never does to any great degree). The other part of me says to just own it like so many women, both trans and cisgender, and live my life.
I'm working on all this. We all need to keep working on "it" (whatever your "it" is) if we aren't where we need to be between the ears. I know I'll never be beautiful, but I can work with what I have. The other day, I bought a cute shorts outfit at Target. I thought it flatters me enough that I can wear it out. I hope I will. I posted a few pictures of it on Flickr and haven't had a single reaction. But that's ok. I'm not on there to really show off. I felt cute in it. I blanked my face due to no makeup and general ugly face-iness, but showed my real hair for the first time. Up and down I go, ebbing and flowing.
To conclude, I just will say to anyone struggling with anything: hang in there. It's really all we can do. What choice do we have? We are here, we ought to make the best of it.
Congratulations on being featured on T-Central. I hope that boosts your confidence.
ReplyDeleteOm my, Lynn...all I need to do is to feature myself and I'll feel more confident? :)
DeleteNice post Shannyn!
Another very well written post Shannyn! My favorite phrase from it is: "especially for women and how we perceive ourselves". WE!!!! You have crossed the road for good now!
ReplyDelete