The Sickness of My Disguise

"God made me a woman. The doctors are curing me of the sickness of my disguise, to correct a mistake in nature."

I am likely paraphrasing ever so slightly, but that quote was uttered by a trans woman named Lili Elbe, a long time ago. I find interesting her use of the word disguise, and it's really intriguing how the meaning of the word changed for her over time. The above are the words of Lili further into her transition, whereas she wrote in her journal of her first act of dressing as a woman, "I cannot deny, strange as it may sound, that I enjoyed myself in this disguise. I liked the feel of soft women’s clothing… I felt very much at home in them from the first moment.”

I just got done watching The Danish Girl on Netflix and yeah, I cried at the end. I was warned that the movie was kind of a downer or at least had some stuff that's difficult to deal with if you are, I'm going to say, human. It may be more difficult to deal with if you are transgender as well but I think anybody should realize that a person like Lili was a human just like them with feelings that mattered.

Here's the thing: we all die of SOMETHING. It's a given; it cannot be avoided. So we are to do the best we can while we are here. I didn't know until the very end of the movie that Lili was a real person. I don't think it would matter though if it was completely fictional. She lived and she died. She died in pursuit of being "whole". That concept is very near and dear to my heart. 

People who are different, no matter what that difference actually is, struggle with first accepting that they are different. Secondly, they struggle with achieving acceptance of their difference by others. If you are Christian like I am, and you believe in God like I do, you know that God does not make mistakes. That fact makes the initial self-acceptance problematic. It took me a long time to reconcile my belief in God with how God made me. I know it now, luckily.

A while back, I finally realized that I am the way I am for a reason. God DID make me this way. I don't know all the particulars yet but it was not a mistake. Nobody knows for sure until they get to the other side. A trans person is no different. There is nothing different about us in God's eyes. And yet, there is always lingering doubt especially when others will tell you that what you are experiencing cannot be true. What you're experiencing must surely come from evil sources because God would not do that.

Watching this movie tonight helped me and I hope it helps anybody who sees it (or has seen it, it's five years old; I'm a little behind here) as well who may be trans or different in any way from what is, "normal". The reason the movie helped me is that it added a layer to my acceptance of myself and understanding where I am and where I'm going. Just like anyone who may have a mental illness, it's okay to say you're sick. But you aren't weak. We all need help in different ways. This is just one of those ways. And when you are trans (at least until you transition), you are sick. But not in the way you might think.

Lili's experience as shown in the movie brought me to the conclusion was that yes, I wear a disguise. Every day. And has been the case every day since I realized who I am, I work to shed that disguise. The disguise is the sickness. And it's a real sickness actually. It's a learned sickness due to the rigid rules put in place by a society that very often results in people feeling left out. Not just trans people. A lot of people in this world feel left out because society casts them out for being different. Overcoming the sickness, by shedding the disguise, takes a TON of work. But it's worth it. Misery isn't worth it.

Let's illustrate a little how the sickness goes for me. Maybe you are similar, maybe way different.

I know that I want to portray myself in a different way than the societal "rules" dictate based on my body composition. I have male body parts. I have a deeper voice than I wish I did. Etc., etc. I want to fit into the world and to do that I strive to lessen those things that aren't feminine. Some might say I shouldn't worry about fitting in so much. Many proud trans people don't try to hide these things. They are who they are, and many don't look perfect in their own eyes. But they say "screw it, I'm happy as I am". I'm looking at this from a trans feminine perspective of course, but the reverse is true for trans men. The face doesn't look "right". The voice isn't right. The height is wrong, the weight is wrong. You junk ain't in your trunk. People stare when you shop for clothes. They may snicker when you walk by because you don't look "right". I'm not confident enough to just say "screw them". I'd like to be, but the sickness thus far hinders that a lot. I don't present fully yet. But that's ok. I'm working on it.

I truly don't believe (yet) that I can really look well enough to be confident the way I want to be. I need to work on that and I need to go with what I have. I need to accentuate the positive and minimize the negative as they say. We all should put our best foot forward but that's not always easy. I sabotage myself over and over. Many of us do and I know I need to stop it.

I could ramble more about specifics of gender dysphoria, but there is no need. Sometimes I fear I get repetitive on this blog until I remember writing is part of my therapy. Shannyn is more evident every single day and that makes me feel better. It might make others in my family feel worse and I'm sorry about that. Like Gerda tells Lili at one point in the movie: it's not all about you. I hear that at home all the time and I know it's true. But some of it is about me. To be better for others I need to be better for me and it's kind of sad that others don't get that.

I will end this meandering pile of thoughts on a positive note. As you know I've been working to come out to my extended family since like last year. This past week I added another person to the list of those who know about me. It took me several days to say the words but I did say them. It took yet another conflict at home to get me to the emotional point where I needed to say those words in hopes of gaining some emotional support and to hopefully further the goal of being open with everyone that I'm related to. I'm happy to say it worked this time. I think it can work again.

To my cousin with whom I've had a decent amount of chat dialogue the past two weeks, as I mentioned you have no idea how much it means that you said that you thought no differently of me now than before and that I have a safe space to talk. That alone helps me to keep going and I'm hopeful that it's going to lead to more good things. I really think it will. My heart cannot and will not let this go, and the road is going to be really rocky but I will see it through. 

I really have no idea how far things need to go for me to feel better ENOUGH, to alleviate the symptoms of my sickness ENOUGH. I never would have thought that I consider surgery of any kind but I am. An orchiectomy seems relatively minor in the grand scheme of things and it's for a medical safety reason. It's not vanity at all although I do get a smile as I've mentioned at the thought of not having those testosterone-producing organs that have contributed to so much dysphoria and pain.

Who knows where all this goes. I still cannot conceive of going anywhere near as far as Lili did in the movie. Oh my God, she was so brave, so courageous, so driven to be herself that in those relatively primitive times it didn't work out so well for her. I am fortunate and we are all fortunate to live when we do, where we have a lot to deal with but we also have a lot of help. I am really grateful for that.

For a little more on the real Lili Elbe, here's the article I stole the picture above from. Lili's journals, in book form, are available from Amazon Kindle.