Pretending
I swear I must lead the league in contradictions.
Here's the latest one: I am a trans-person/former (current?) crossdresser who HATES Halloween.
Wrap your head around that, if that's even possible. Halloween is the one day of the year where people like me are FREE. Almost anyone can justify dressing as the opposite gender (females dress as males too, ya know) on Halloween. So, why do I detest it so?
This idea just hit me like a ton of bricks as I was talking to someone about role-play. It was mentioned that I don't enjoy doing that, which is true. As part of my response regarding why I don't enjoy it (not online at least; there's a difference), I made the comment, "I already have to pretend to be a man."
In the past, in the same situation, I have stated that I was already playing a role, that of a woman which physically I am not, not yet anyway. And as such, I didn't like adding another layer to the disguise. Maybe that seems like I'm just no fun. That could be true, also. But I caught myself today responding to the same question in the way I described above. Which popped into my head the idea about Halloween.
I think I'm trying to psycho-analyze myself as I write this, and so if I get anything out of it, as usual I hope someone who reads this will also. I don't remember why I started to really hate Halloween. Hate is a strong word; I don't use it often, but it kinda fits here. I just know that, one year I dressed up in a kid costume, super hero or something innocent, went around and trick-or-treated, and then the next year my parents couldn't pry me out of the house with a crowbar. I wish I knew what age that was. Maybe I should ask my mom what she remembers about it. They fought me on this for two or three years till they gave up and I got too old, I guess.
Every year from there on, I hated that day. Wanted no part of it. November 1st was probably my third favorite day of the year (after Christmas and my birthday: IN THAT ORDER). I can remember hiding at my grandmother's house when other kids would come and collect their candy. I remember after it was over getting candy from my family just handed to me. That probably didn't help me get over not liking the ritual of dressing for Halloween, but I digress.
Fast-forward to about 11 or 12 years ago. My own kids are on the scene now, but very small. I tried to get past my own hang-ups and participate in Halloween with them. At the time, I was dressing in women's clothes at home a little, tolerated by my wife. That has come back to haunt me, but I digress again. Somehow, I had the idea that maybe I could cure my fear of Halloween by dressing up and going trick-or-treating with my family. I could relax, have fun, and overcome this long-standing obstacle.
What to dress as? Well, of course, a woman. And so, helped by my wife, I got together an outfit that was kinda cute as I recall, and we went to a friend's house. Trick-or-treated, had a very small party. With me dressed as a girl the whole time. I loved it.
Anddddd....it never happened again. Somehow, I tumbled back into my shell, didn't ever dress up again, and so on. I did help drive the kids around as they did their thing eah year. But, I didn't like it much. Maybe not hated like before, but it was definitely a toleration thing, not a relaxed, have fun kunda thing.
So, today as I recall all this, I wonder: what the heck was it that make me do a 180 on Halloween? What is lost to my conscious memory about it? Did it have anything to do with my dysphoria? I'm pretty sure it happened before I was like ten, and therefore before my starting to dress. Does my dysphoria go back further than age 11-12? Do I just want to believe it did? Would that add to my self-perceived credibility of whether I am really transgendered at all?
These are questions to ponder, for sure. Whether it helps me, I have no idea. I find expressing these things in words is helpful, so this post is not a wasted effort. I need to write about my "origins" soon, so this post maybe leads into that.
So, there you have it: a chunk of the reason I'm not that big on pretending. Size of chunk yet to be determined.
As always, I would love to hear what others think. Does any of my experience resonate at all, either from today or previous posts? Am I just a crazy, messed up person? What do you think? Let's share. It would do me some good. Might do you some good also. Until next time........
Here's the latest one: I am a trans-person/former (current?) crossdresser who HATES Halloween.
Wrap your head around that, if that's even possible. Halloween is the one day of the year where people like me are FREE. Almost anyone can justify dressing as the opposite gender (females dress as males too, ya know) on Halloween. So, why do I detest it so?
This idea just hit me like a ton of bricks as I was talking to someone about role-play. It was mentioned that I don't enjoy doing that, which is true. As part of my response regarding why I don't enjoy it (not online at least; there's a difference), I made the comment, "I already have to pretend to be a man."
In the past, in the same situation, I have stated that I was already playing a role, that of a woman which physically I am not, not yet anyway. And as such, I didn't like adding another layer to the disguise. Maybe that seems like I'm just no fun. That could be true, also. But I caught myself today responding to the same question in the way I described above. Which popped into my head the idea about Halloween.
I think I'm trying to psycho-analyze myself as I write this, and so if I get anything out of it, as usual I hope someone who reads this will also. I don't remember why I started to really hate Halloween. Hate is a strong word; I don't use it often, but it kinda fits here. I just know that, one year I dressed up in a kid costume, super hero or something innocent, went around and trick-or-treated, and then the next year my parents couldn't pry me out of the house with a crowbar. I wish I knew what age that was. Maybe I should ask my mom what she remembers about it. They fought me on this for two or three years till they gave up and I got too old, I guess.
Every year from there on, I hated that day. Wanted no part of it. November 1st was probably my third favorite day of the year (after Christmas and my birthday: IN THAT ORDER). I can remember hiding at my grandmother's house when other kids would come and collect their candy. I remember after it was over getting candy from my family just handed to me. That probably didn't help me get over not liking the ritual of dressing for Halloween, but I digress.
Fast-forward to about 11 or 12 years ago. My own kids are on the scene now, but very small. I tried to get past my own hang-ups and participate in Halloween with them. At the time, I was dressing in women's clothes at home a little, tolerated by my wife. That has come back to haunt me, but I digress again. Somehow, I had the idea that maybe I could cure my fear of Halloween by dressing up and going trick-or-treating with my family. I could relax, have fun, and overcome this long-standing obstacle.
What to dress as? Well, of course, a woman. And so, helped by my wife, I got together an outfit that was kinda cute as I recall, and we went to a friend's house. Trick-or-treated, had a very small party. With me dressed as a girl the whole time. I loved it.
Anddddd....it never happened again. Somehow, I tumbled back into my shell, didn't ever dress up again, and so on. I did help drive the kids around as they did their thing eah year. But, I didn't like it much. Maybe not hated like before, but it was definitely a toleration thing, not a relaxed, have fun kunda thing.
So, today as I recall all this, I wonder: what the heck was it that make me do a 180 on Halloween? What is lost to my conscious memory about it? Did it have anything to do with my dysphoria? I'm pretty sure it happened before I was like ten, and therefore before my starting to dress. Does my dysphoria go back further than age 11-12? Do I just want to believe it did? Would that add to my self-perceived credibility of whether I am really transgendered at all?
These are questions to ponder, for sure. Whether it helps me, I have no idea. I find expressing these things in words is helpful, so this post is not a wasted effort. I need to write about my "origins" soon, so this post maybe leads into that.
So, there you have it: a chunk of the reason I'm not that big on pretending. Size of chunk yet to be determined.
As always, I would love to hear what others think. Does any of my experience resonate at all, either from today or previous posts? Am I just a crazy, messed up person? What do you think? Let's share. It would do me some good. Might do you some good also. Until next time........
In general i would say I enjoy Halloween. But after reading your blog and thinking back, I realize there's a lot of stress involved for me around that holiday. I always think of Halloween as "the crossdresser's big day", but when it actually comes down to it, I have only ever dressed femme to ONE Halloween party. It seems to me that even if we (crossdressers like me) take the opportunity to get gussied up for an event, we still often feel that we can't look "too good" or it will raise suspicions. When we're locked into a situation where being completely found out is not an option, it can create a lot of frustration.
ReplyDeleteI, for one, don't like to dress up - especially dress up to go out - without looking my best. That means nicely shaved legs, proper makeup, proper fitting clothing, CUTE HEELS! And... that's just a bit more than many people can handle, even on Halloween. A hairy guy with some blue eye shadow wearing a cheap maid's dress and ratty tennis shoes, though, seems perfectly acceptable. After all.. it's just for a laugh, right? I already know I'm going to get to dress up for Halloween this year, or any year soon, so I try not to even think about it.
Maybe I will go as a female T-Rex.. I mean, nobody can tell the gender of a dinosaur anyway, can they?
Thanks for the great and funny comments, anonymous person! I do not know how to "sex" a dinosaur. They didn't teach that in Jurassic Park.
DeleteI do like the point about looking too good versus looking ratty. Makes me think of athlete hazing, or fraternity hazing where the guy is dressed, or made to dress, as a female. All in good fun until someone looks too good. I'm sure more than one trans or crossdresser got caught up in that too.