Walk A Mile In Her Heels - Erica
Hello again, everybody. It's your intrepid reporter who will send emails to the ends of the Earth to bring you stories of wonderful people. Here's the latest. Erica is a great gal from the St. Louis area who as you'll see, has been active in the trans community and has a wealth of insights and experience to share. Big thanks to her for letting us have this little chat.
Previously in the "Walk A Mile In Her Heels" series: Suzi Chrissy
ShannynComesAlive: Let's start off with you telling me a little about your upbringing. Being feminine was something you desired from an early age. What was childhood like for you?
Erica: I was an only child. We moved frequently during my early years due to my father’s career. I was fortunate to be a good athlete early on in life and it helped me assimilate to other kids when we had to relocate. I was involved in many sports in high school and into college.
My mother had a beauty salon in our home and eventually owned additional salons. I helped her out when she would get behind. Washing hair, drying hair, cleaning up the salon for her. During this time, I was always surrounded by women and it only increased my hidden desire to be more femme.
SCA: As you got older and started to solidify your thoughts about where you needed your life to go, how were you able to start navigating that path?
Erica: I was very lucky to have had a great therapist early on when I was trying to come to terms with my life. She accompanied me to doctor appointments. She offered constructive criticism when necessary. Constantly reminded me not to go too fast and not to worry about the decisions friends of mine were making regarding transitioning. To be my own person and take my time.
In addition to my therapist, I was involved in the Chicago “Be-All” transgender conference and was able to listen to many professionals discuss hormone regimens and transition subjects. I learned a lot during this time about how I wanted to approach my life while being trans.
SCA: Who were/are your mentors in the feminine experience?
Erica: I owe a great deal of thanks to one of the leaders of the Chicago Transgender Community. Her name is Olivia Connors. She was one of the co-chairs for the Be-All conference as well as the President of the Chicago Gender Society. She kind of took me under her wing. And people still refer to us as Mother and Daughter to this day.
SCA: You are fully "out" to those who know you. What was it like to come out to family/friends/co-workers?
Erica: I came out to friends in 2006. Initially, a small circle that grew whether I intended for it to or not. Eventually, my employer, who was a friend as well, suggested I manage our Chicago territory and get out from under the microscope in central IL. He simply said, “move up there, work hard and get on with what you need to and we will support you”.
Many of my customers and accounts were all new to me…I could handle much of my business via conference calls and e-mails, but all of them usually required face to face discussions at some point. I had a girlfriend who was further along in transition than me, who helped me prepare for these meetings and being comfortable enough in my own skin to manage my responsibilities at work.
SCA: Being a self-proclaimed "former jock", what has it been like to shed that persona and adopt your current lifestyle that blends the male and female together, at least for the time being?
Erica: Being athletic has always been a huge plus for me. It has allowed me to maintain a lot of relationships. Golf was a very big factor in being able to maintain friendships with many of the guys I have known over the years. When my friends consider a lot of the other stuff it hasn’t been as large of an obstacle as one would think. Sure, I have lost people along the way, but I have kept way more than I have lost.
SCA: How much was the fact you are transgender a factor in the split with your ex-wife? The fact that you and your ex get along well, I think, is a testament to both of you, and certainly, it seems like you respected her feelings and needs.
Erica: Yes, we maintain a close friendship. A lot of our communication revolves around our daughter and her activities. She knows virtually everything about me, except for sexuality as I just don’t feel that should be of any concern to her after 12 years of being divorced. However, my transgender desires were, in fact, a primary reason for our initial separation. As she witnessed some of the changes my body was undergoing it became obvious that she would not be able to live a transgendered partner. I have never held that against her as I feel that is very understandable. I wouldn’t have done very well if she came home announced she would like to live as a man in the future.
SCA: I'd like to know more about what it is like to be a single, trans woman helping to raise a teenaged daughter. Like mine, your daughter is old enough to know the score now. How do you navigate that with her, keeping her needs at the forefront, while pursuing your own life?
Erica: My daughter was very young when her mother and I decided to separate, much of which was due to my gender revelations to her. I was fortunately relocated to Chicago by the company I worked at for several years. During this time, I was able to begin living and working fulltime. However, on the weekend I usually returned to be with her. I was very careful to keep a separation between my time with her and my time living as a woman. I felt it was very important to let her grow up as a regular kid without the stigma of being the girl at school with a transgendered father who was out and about.
In time we were able to discuss my choices as well as my commitment to her. There is no magic way to make this work perfectly. There are bumps in the road along the way, but by being open and direct we have been able to maintain a very loving and caring relationship.
SCA: Since you are not living "full-time" at the moment while raising your daughter, how much of Erica is she aware of?
Erica: She knows virtually everything. I don’t discuss sexuality with her, but we discuss transgender topics often. Hopefully, she thinks of me as most kids do about their parents. Someone that loves her unconditionally but isn’t perfect. We are as close as ever, but she is in high school and I deal with many of the same issues raising her that most parents do with a maturing daughter.
SCA: Do you have any timeline or plan to return to living full-time once your daughter is off to college or whatever?
Erica: I am pretty happy right now, so I plan on waiting until my daughter is finished with high school. Then slowly beginning the steps again.
SCA: When you were away for work and did have to face these clients face to face, what was that like the first time? It's one thing to be out publicly with friends, family and even co-workers, but clients might be a whole different thing, depending on how you look at it. Am I correct in assuming the fact your clients in Chicago didn't know you as a guy helped that part of the transition?
Erica: You are correct. These were all new customers for me, so they had never met any other persona than Erica. It was an expensive time for me and rather nerve-wracking initially. Changing my wardrobe to include enough professional attire and dressing down was very important. Not that I am ever over the top in my fashion, but I still needed to make my appearance less girly and focus on tasteful attire that wouldn’t be as noticeable and was much more conservative in style.
After meeting with three or four customers I just realized that they had their own lives also and mine wasn’t that concerning to them. Meet with them, share my knowledge about our products, answer questions and give them a fast response to any additional product requests that they might have. I found that worked best for me.
SCA: You've maintained friendships with many friends who knew you before you did any transitioning. Is that more a testament to them being accepting, or has there been anything you tried to do along the way that helped them be comfortable with who you are now?
Erica: We are all in a position to help provide education to friends and family. Understanding the dynamics and differences in gender and sexuality is an important thing for many to gain comfort with initially. In addition, I think if you are a nice person that is supportive of events taking place in your friend’s worlds they are more likely to share that same support.
Being patient with people, giving them time to comprehend and ask questions is so valuable in one’s success in overcoming some of the pitfalls. It isn’t like many people that are cisgender spend time considering gender issues until it affects them directly. Two mantras I often share are, “This isn’t a race” and "Be responsible and be thorough in your decision making”.
SCA: Last thing. Do you have any songs that speak to you about life that you'd like to share? Music can convey so much, and I know you must have a song that is important to you in that vein.
Erica: I have always felt like The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony” kind of summed up a lot of our lives…the up’s and down’s and the sometimes narrow focus we have to maintain.
A personal favorite from living in Chicago was Mr. Blotto’s “Kiss Me In the Morning”. And one more I forgot: Blind Melon’s, “No Rain”. The video reflects so many similarities to being transgendered. The little girl feels like such an outcast until she stumbles across her community of likeminded people. It is so life-changing and refreshing to meet others in our community for the first time.
Previously in the "Walk A Mile In Her Heels" series: Suzi Chrissy
ShannynComesAlive: Let's start off with you telling me a little about your upbringing. Being feminine was something you desired from an early age. What was childhood like for you?
Erica: I was an only child. We moved frequently during my early years due to my father’s career. I was fortunate to be a good athlete early on in life and it helped me assimilate to other kids when we had to relocate. I was involved in many sports in high school and into college.
My mother had a beauty salon in our home and eventually owned additional salons. I helped her out when she would get behind. Washing hair, drying hair, cleaning up the salon for her. During this time, I was always surrounded by women and it only increased my hidden desire to be more femme.
SCA: As you got older and started to solidify your thoughts about where you needed your life to go, how were you able to start navigating that path?
Erica: I was very lucky to have had a great therapist early on when I was trying to come to terms with my life. She accompanied me to doctor appointments. She offered constructive criticism when necessary. Constantly reminded me not to go too fast and not to worry about the decisions friends of mine were making regarding transitioning. To be my own person and take my time.
In addition to my therapist, I was involved in the Chicago “Be-All” transgender conference and was able to listen to many professionals discuss hormone regimens and transition subjects. I learned a lot during this time about how I wanted to approach my life while being trans.
SCA: Who were/are your mentors in the feminine experience?
Erica: I owe a great deal of thanks to one of the leaders of the Chicago Transgender Community. Her name is Olivia Connors. She was one of the co-chairs for the Be-All conference as well as the President of the Chicago Gender Society. She kind of took me under her wing. And people still refer to us as Mother and Daughter to this day.
SCA: You are fully "out" to those who know you. What was it like to come out to family/friends/co-workers?
Erica: I came out to friends in 2006. Initially, a small circle that grew whether I intended for it to or not. Eventually, my employer, who was a friend as well, suggested I manage our Chicago territory and get out from under the microscope in central IL. He simply said, “move up there, work hard and get on with what you need to and we will support you”.
Many of my customers and accounts were all new to me…I could handle much of my business via conference calls and e-mails, but all of them usually required face to face discussions at some point. I had a girlfriend who was further along in transition than me, who helped me prepare for these meetings and being comfortable enough in my own skin to manage my responsibilities at work.
SCA: Being a self-proclaimed "former jock", what has it been like to shed that persona and adopt your current lifestyle that blends the male and female together, at least for the time being?
Erica: Being athletic has always been a huge plus for me. It has allowed me to maintain a lot of relationships. Golf was a very big factor in being able to maintain friendships with many of the guys I have known over the years. When my friends consider a lot of the other stuff it hasn’t been as large of an obstacle as one would think. Sure, I have lost people along the way, but I have kept way more than I have lost.
SCA: How much was the fact you are transgender a factor in the split with your ex-wife? The fact that you and your ex get along well, I think, is a testament to both of you, and certainly, it seems like you respected her feelings and needs.
Erica: Yes, we maintain a close friendship. A lot of our communication revolves around our daughter and her activities. She knows virtually everything about me, except for sexuality as I just don’t feel that should be of any concern to her after 12 years of being divorced. However, my transgender desires were, in fact, a primary reason for our initial separation. As she witnessed some of the changes my body was undergoing it became obvious that she would not be able to live a transgendered partner. I have never held that against her as I feel that is very understandable. I wouldn’t have done very well if she came home announced she would like to live as a man in the future.
SCA: I'd like to know more about what it is like to be a single, trans woman helping to raise a teenaged daughter. Like mine, your daughter is old enough to know the score now. How do you navigate that with her, keeping her needs at the forefront, while pursuing your own life?
Erica: My daughter was very young when her mother and I decided to separate, much of which was due to my gender revelations to her. I was fortunately relocated to Chicago by the company I worked at for several years. During this time, I was able to begin living and working fulltime. However, on the weekend I usually returned to be with her. I was very careful to keep a separation between my time with her and my time living as a woman. I felt it was very important to let her grow up as a regular kid without the stigma of being the girl at school with a transgendered father who was out and about.
In time we were able to discuss my choices as well as my commitment to her. There is no magic way to make this work perfectly. There are bumps in the road along the way, but by being open and direct we have been able to maintain a very loving and caring relationship.
SCA: Since you are not living "full-time" at the moment while raising your daughter, how much of Erica is she aware of?
Erica: She knows virtually everything. I don’t discuss sexuality with her, but we discuss transgender topics often. Hopefully, she thinks of me as most kids do about their parents. Someone that loves her unconditionally but isn’t perfect. We are as close as ever, but she is in high school and I deal with many of the same issues raising her that most parents do with a maturing daughter.
SCA: Do you have any timeline or plan to return to living full-time once your daughter is off to college or whatever?
Erica: I am pretty happy right now, so I plan on waiting until my daughter is finished with high school. Then slowly beginning the steps again.
SCA: When you were away for work and did have to face these clients face to face, what was that like the first time? It's one thing to be out publicly with friends, family and even co-workers, but clients might be a whole different thing, depending on how you look at it. Am I correct in assuming the fact your clients in Chicago didn't know you as a guy helped that part of the transition?
Erica: You are correct. These were all new customers for me, so they had never met any other persona than Erica. It was an expensive time for me and rather nerve-wracking initially. Changing my wardrobe to include enough professional attire and dressing down was very important. Not that I am ever over the top in my fashion, but I still needed to make my appearance less girly and focus on tasteful attire that wouldn’t be as noticeable and was much more conservative in style.
After meeting with three or four customers I just realized that they had their own lives also and mine wasn’t that concerning to them. Meet with them, share my knowledge about our products, answer questions and give them a fast response to any additional product requests that they might have. I found that worked best for me.
SCA: You've maintained friendships with many friends who knew you before you did any transitioning. Is that more a testament to them being accepting, or has there been anything you tried to do along the way that helped them be comfortable with who you are now?
Erica: We are all in a position to help provide education to friends and family. Understanding the dynamics and differences in gender and sexuality is an important thing for many to gain comfort with initially. In addition, I think if you are a nice person that is supportive of events taking place in your friend’s worlds they are more likely to share that same support.
Being patient with people, giving them time to comprehend and ask questions is so valuable in one’s success in overcoming some of the pitfalls. It isn’t like many people that are cisgender spend time considering gender issues until it affects them directly. Two mantras I often share are, “This isn’t a race” and "Be responsible and be thorough in your decision making”.
SCA: Last thing. Do you have any songs that speak to you about life that you'd like to share? Music can convey so much, and I know you must have a song that is important to you in that vein.
Erica: I have always felt like The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony” kind of summed up a lot of our lives…the up’s and down’s and the sometimes narrow focus we have to maintain.
A personal favorite from living in Chicago was Mr. Blotto’s “Kiss Me In the Morning”. And one more I forgot: Blind Melon’s, “No Rain”. The video reflects so many similarities to being transgendered. The little girl feels like such an outcast until she stumbles across her community of likeminded people. It is so life-changing and refreshing to meet others in our community for the first time.
Wonderful Interview
ReplyDelete