One Year HRT Anniversary: Still So Much To Be Done
"I ate the last mango in Paris,
I took the last flight out of Saigon.
I took the first fast boat to China,
And there's still so much to be done."
- Jimmy Buffett, "Last Mango In Paris", 1985
Wow. A year. Milestones are funny. We like to celebrate them, but are they all that important? I think we should celebrate our accomplishments, but not rest on our laurels. So, a quick recap and update on the latest.
A year ago, if I look back at my post "I Got Sunshine", I can remember the excitement from that day. It seemed so incredulous that I had done what I did, being brave and courageous and taking steps to take care of myself. And getting to see my sister-in-crime, Tanya, and her remarking on how happy I seemed, it's just really nice to relive on a day like today.
I'm sure I've covered all this before, especially when I gave the 6-month update. So I shall try not to unnecessarily rehash. I find myself looking at more strides I have made this week and other things that propel me forward. A lot of times, it feels like running in place, but really it isn't. We all should do our best to find a proper perspective on our lives. I'm very guilty of this, but I realize it and aim to improve on it. Getting better at recognizing that I'm getting better sounds odd, but it's a goal.
And yet, like Janet Jackson sang, "What Have You Done For Me Lately?"
About a week ago, I had a physical. I had never had one before, so I can now say that I know how that goes. It went about as well as expected; I definitely have some things to work on. And thanks to my friend Tawni, whom you recently got to know a little better, I'm trying something new to improve my diet. For the most part, that's gone well this week. I'm limiting the hours I eat, not necessarily what I eat. Not yet. I want to build on that.
I have had a couple weeks now with my new black ankle boots, and they give me such a mental boost when I wear them. I'm hoping to build more outfits around them. Despite the guilt I feel whenever I spend any money on Shannyn things, I know it's important to treat ourselves occasionally. Which leads me to my most recent focus for mental health, dealing with guilt and shame.
I just picked up the first of two library books on the topic, and I expect I'll have more to say about all that before too long, both here and with my counselor. I saw my counselor Meredith just yesterday, and it was a good session. I was especially excited to tell her my best progress in the last few weeks: I came out to my brother on Thursday of this week.
Yep. Another hurdle crossed. As expected, it was difficult to tell my kid brother that the sibling that came before him is a girl inside. But I got it done. I stammered for several minutes, saying I needed to tell him something, and after he asked if I'd killed or hurt anyone, he said to just spit it out. I literally took a deep breath, went, "1,2, 3" and said I've been a crossdresser for most of my life and recently realized it's more.
I didn't get into deep detail in the half-hour we talked on the phone but did manage to say I was transgender multiple times, explaining how it's separate from sexuality when he asked if I meant was I gay. This is very common in society still, though things seem to be improving. I was prepared for that and welcomed the question, actually. He listened pretty intently, probably in shock. I am looking forward to talking more, as I feel much closer to him than I have in years and want to know whar he thinks after having time to process. It's up to me to keep the dialogue going,
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before on this blog, but my family doesn't really express our love for each other easily. It's almost always just implied. So when, unsolicited as we were about to hang up, he said "I love you", I was amazed and very happy. I'm not sure yet if everything will be fine, but I think it's not the end of the world I feared it could have been.
The lyrics from the song I posted at the beginning here popped into my head as I started on a walk this morning. "Still so much to be done" wasn't thought in a negative way. It felt positive. It felt like I've gotten over a few hurdles, and I have lots more. They are goals as much as anything. I think that if my true self is known to those I care about, then it opens up the world. And I can then make choices more based on what I want and need and have less fear. That's a very good feeling.
I took the last flight out of Saigon.
I took the first fast boat to China,
And there's still so much to be done."
- Jimmy Buffett, "Last Mango In Paris", 1985
Wow. A year. Milestones are funny. We like to celebrate them, but are they all that important? I think we should celebrate our accomplishments, but not rest on our laurels. So, a quick recap and update on the latest.
A year ago, if I look back at my post "I Got Sunshine", I can remember the excitement from that day. It seemed so incredulous that I had done what I did, being brave and courageous and taking steps to take care of myself. And getting to see my sister-in-crime, Tanya, and her remarking on how happy I seemed, it's just really nice to relive on a day like today.
I'm sure I've covered all this before, especially when I gave the 6-month update. So I shall try not to unnecessarily rehash. I find myself looking at more strides I have made this week and other things that propel me forward. A lot of times, it feels like running in place, but really it isn't. We all should do our best to find a proper perspective on our lives. I'm very guilty of this, but I realize it and aim to improve on it. Getting better at recognizing that I'm getting better sounds odd, but it's a goal.
And yet, like Janet Jackson sang, "What Have You Done For Me Lately?"
About a week ago, I had a physical. I had never had one before, so I can now say that I know how that goes. It went about as well as expected; I definitely have some things to work on. And thanks to my friend Tawni, whom you recently got to know a little better, I'm trying something new to improve my diet. For the most part, that's gone well this week. I'm limiting the hours I eat, not necessarily what I eat. Not yet. I want to build on that.
I have had a couple weeks now with my new black ankle boots, and they give me such a mental boost when I wear them. I'm hoping to build more outfits around them. Despite the guilt I feel whenever I spend any money on Shannyn things, I know it's important to treat ourselves occasionally. Which leads me to my most recent focus for mental health, dealing with guilt and shame.
I just picked up the first of two library books on the topic, and I expect I'll have more to say about all that before too long, both here and with my counselor. I saw my counselor Meredith just yesterday, and it was a good session. I was especially excited to tell her my best progress in the last few weeks: I came out to my brother on Thursday of this week.
Yep. Another hurdle crossed. As expected, it was difficult to tell my kid brother that the sibling that came before him is a girl inside. But I got it done. I stammered for several minutes, saying I needed to tell him something, and after he asked if I'd killed or hurt anyone, he said to just spit it out. I literally took a deep breath, went, "1,2, 3" and said I've been a crossdresser for most of my life and recently realized it's more.
I didn't get into deep detail in the half-hour we talked on the phone but did manage to say I was transgender multiple times, explaining how it's separate from sexuality when he asked if I meant was I gay. This is very common in society still, though things seem to be improving. I was prepared for that and welcomed the question, actually. He listened pretty intently, probably in shock. I am looking forward to talking more, as I feel much closer to him than I have in years and want to know whar he thinks after having time to process. It's up to me to keep the dialogue going,
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before on this blog, but my family doesn't really express our love for each other easily. It's almost always just implied. So when, unsolicited as we were about to hang up, he said "I love you", I was amazed and very happy. I'm not sure yet if everything will be fine, but I think it's not the end of the world I feared it could have been.
The lyrics from the song I posted at the beginning here popped into my head as I started on a walk this morning. "Still so much to be done" wasn't thought in a negative way. It felt positive. It felt like I've gotten over a few hurdles, and I have lots more. They are goals as much as anything. I think that if my true self is known to those I care about, then it opens up the world. And I can then make choices more based on what I want and need and have less fear. That's a very good feeling.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteFantastic as always Shannyn
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your first year of you-ifying! You sound well grounded and happy as you reflect back. I'm so happy I got to see you on day 1 of this phase of your journey forward!
ReplyDelete