Cardigan as Cape
This post might be a tad long. A lot has gone on this week, and as much as I will try to not go overboard with details, I suspect I will go overboard with the details.
I've been at home alone since Sunday, and will be until this coming Sunday (I'm writing this on Thursday). Given this extremely rare bit of free time, I've had some activity that I consider seismic. Now, I haven't cured cancer or won a million dollars or experienced an actual earthquake, but my ground has been SHAKEN. In a very good way.
On Monday, I got myself together in full Shannyn regalia, including a new wig, and went in my car, in daylight, to a CVS pharmacy about 10-15 minutes from my house. I needed to go somewhere where I wouldn't be recognized by anyone I know (I don't know that many people, but still). The goal was simple. Leave the house looking like NOT A DUDE, enter a building that was NOT MY HOUSE, and interact with someone who I did not know. I had never done that before. I almost typed "have never done this before", but I can no longer say that. WOOHOO!!
I originally intended to do this on Sunday, but I aborted the attempt. I just had to go back through a conversation I had with a friend in text to remember why, since somehow I blocked it out of my mind. I had decided I wanted to try this pink nail polish from Sally Hansen. Pretty pink color I thought. The application of it went horribly, and now I remember similar polish of that type that didn't do well either. It was one of those Insta-Dry types, and I guess that consistency is tougher to paint with, maybe.
After doing my toes, I got frustrated with the look, and as I am one to do, I let my fears use that as an excuse to just stop for the day. I could have perservered, but I didn't. It's an issue I have often; I don't deal with adversity all that well. So, sadly, I wallowed in that for a few hours before slowly coming out of it, but it got too late in the day. I did manage to repaint my toes in my best red polish. That went much better, and boosted my spirits before bed.
I managed to wake up ready to try again on Monday. It was a workday, but I got home early and got myself ready. Denim capri pants, black blouse and tan sandals with my red toes and new blonde wig. It came together really well. The mountain to climb was makeup. Since I rarely get to practise, I'm very terrible at it. Eye makeup at least. I had a hard time getting the liquid eyeliner on right, and dealing with smudges wasn't easy. At one point, I stopped and had a moment. This was adversity, and I could have easily aborted again right there. Somehow, I didn't. That might have been the biggest thing about all this. I didn't let that stop me this time.
The last part of the emsemble was a light grey cardigan. I had known I wanted one to make any outfit work better, and help conceal any flaws I saw in my body. Not much I could do about my face, LOL. On this Monday, I finally bought the sweater online and picked it up in store at Kohl's, my favorite store, during a work break. I have since come to see that cardigan as something akin to a cape that a super hero would wear. It seems silly, but my confidence went up when I put that on. I didn't have to worry about my capris showing something they shouldn't, or my top not being long enough. Neither actually was the case, but I knew I'd be moving around and this just made me feel safe. Strong. Secure. Invincible. Able to leap tall buildings in a single....well, not quite that.
Oh yes, this post is long. I'm gonna break into two posts. So, once satisfied that I looked "ok" (somehow I told myself I had done my best, and it was ok, and that getting out was the goal anyway), I got into my car in the garage, away from any neighbor eyes, and I drove out of my neighborhood and away from home. I can remember coming to a stop sign and making eye contact with a guy as he made a right turn before I could get out. I owned it. He probably didn't even see me, but maybe he did. I didn't care.
I got to CVS and parked. Got my hair brush out of my purse, made sure the hair looked ok (need to work on keeping it out of my face, that's such a new sansation), lipstick looked ok, and out of the car I popped. I went into the store, and I can't say I was in there very long. Maybe 5 minutes, tops. I grabbed a few junk food items as my "reward", including a Cherry Coke that was warm in their fridge for some reason, and went to the counter. The girl who was working mentioned how another little fridge at the counter had a colder Coke, so I said thanks and exchanged the one I had. I pulled the cash out of my little ladies' wallet, and made the purchase. I made sure to attempt eye contact as a means of not giving myself away, but the girl didn't reciprocate. Maybe she was disgusted, maybe she is as shy as I am. Anyway, I said thank you again, and left.
Both going to, and heading home, I kept looking in the rearview mirror at myself. I couldn't get the grin off my face. The joy was palpable. I had done the impossible. I know in typing this post, I'm not giving the feelings justice. You would need to understand what a closeted trans person feels day-to-day, unable to present as she wants, the fear of doing so, and the determination needed to break those negative thoughts and emotions. Some of you reading this know exactly what I mean.
For now, that's the story of Monday. More happened Wednesday that was even better. I will get to that, I promise. I hope that anyone who reads this gets something out of it. I hope that my experience shows that if your heart needs something, then you CAN overcome the negativity and fear and get what you want, no matter what it is. Overcoming obstacles is often not easy at all. I don't know that I knew I'd ever get to this point, and it's really a TINY step, but oh so meaningful for me. I'm different now, and I LIKE IT.
I've been at home alone since Sunday, and will be until this coming Sunday (I'm writing this on Thursday). Given this extremely rare bit of free time, I've had some activity that I consider seismic. Now, I haven't cured cancer or won a million dollars or experienced an actual earthquake, but my ground has been SHAKEN. In a very good way.
On Monday, I got myself together in full Shannyn regalia, including a new wig, and went in my car, in daylight, to a CVS pharmacy about 10-15 minutes from my house. I needed to go somewhere where I wouldn't be recognized by anyone I know (I don't know that many people, but still). The goal was simple. Leave the house looking like NOT A DUDE, enter a building that was NOT MY HOUSE, and interact with someone who I did not know. I had never done that before. I almost typed "have never done this before", but I can no longer say that. WOOHOO!!
I originally intended to do this on Sunday, but I aborted the attempt. I just had to go back through a conversation I had with a friend in text to remember why, since somehow I blocked it out of my mind. I had decided I wanted to try this pink nail polish from Sally Hansen. Pretty pink color I thought. The application of it went horribly, and now I remember similar polish of that type that didn't do well either. It was one of those Insta-Dry types, and I guess that consistency is tougher to paint with, maybe.
After doing my toes, I got frustrated with the look, and as I am one to do, I let my fears use that as an excuse to just stop for the day. I could have perservered, but I didn't. It's an issue I have often; I don't deal with adversity all that well. So, sadly, I wallowed in that for a few hours before slowly coming out of it, but it got too late in the day. I did manage to repaint my toes in my best red polish. That went much better, and boosted my spirits before bed.
I managed to wake up ready to try again on Monday. It was a workday, but I got home early and got myself ready. Denim capri pants, black blouse and tan sandals with my red toes and new blonde wig. It came together really well. The mountain to climb was makeup. Since I rarely get to practise, I'm very terrible at it. Eye makeup at least. I had a hard time getting the liquid eyeliner on right, and dealing with smudges wasn't easy. At one point, I stopped and had a moment. This was adversity, and I could have easily aborted again right there. Somehow, I didn't. That might have been the biggest thing about all this. I didn't let that stop me this time.
The last part of the emsemble was a light grey cardigan. I had known I wanted one to make any outfit work better, and help conceal any flaws I saw in my body. Not much I could do about my face, LOL. On this Monday, I finally bought the sweater online and picked it up in store at Kohl's, my favorite store, during a work break. I have since come to see that cardigan as something akin to a cape that a super hero would wear. It seems silly, but my confidence went up when I put that on. I didn't have to worry about my capris showing something they shouldn't, or my top not being long enough. Neither actually was the case, but I knew I'd be moving around and this just made me feel safe. Strong. Secure. Invincible. Able to leap tall buildings in a single....well, not quite that.
Oh yes, this post is long. I'm gonna break into two posts. So, once satisfied that I looked "ok" (somehow I told myself I had done my best, and it was ok, and that getting out was the goal anyway), I got into my car in the garage, away from any neighbor eyes, and I drove out of my neighborhood and away from home. I can remember coming to a stop sign and making eye contact with a guy as he made a right turn before I could get out. I owned it. He probably didn't even see me, but maybe he did. I didn't care.
I got to CVS and parked. Got my hair brush out of my purse, made sure the hair looked ok (need to work on keeping it out of my face, that's such a new sansation), lipstick looked ok, and out of the car I popped. I went into the store, and I can't say I was in there very long. Maybe 5 minutes, tops. I grabbed a few junk food items as my "reward", including a Cherry Coke that was warm in their fridge for some reason, and went to the counter. The girl who was working mentioned how another little fridge at the counter had a colder Coke, so I said thanks and exchanged the one I had. I pulled the cash out of my little ladies' wallet, and made the purchase. I made sure to attempt eye contact as a means of not giving myself away, but the girl didn't reciprocate. Maybe she was disgusted, maybe she is as shy as I am. Anyway, I said thank you again, and left.
Both going to, and heading home, I kept looking in the rearview mirror at myself. I couldn't get the grin off my face. The joy was palpable. I had done the impossible. I know in typing this post, I'm not giving the feelings justice. You would need to understand what a closeted trans person feels day-to-day, unable to present as she wants, the fear of doing so, and the determination needed to break those negative thoughts and emotions. Some of you reading this know exactly what I mean.
For now, that's the story of Monday. More happened Wednesday that was even better. I will get to that, I promise. I hope that anyone who reads this gets something out of it. I hope that my experience shows that if your heart needs something, then you CAN overcome the negativity and fear and get what you want, no matter what it is. Overcoming obstacles is often not easy at all. I don't know that I knew I'd ever get to this point, and it's really a TINY step, but oh so meaningful for me. I'm different now, and I LIKE IT.
I know that exhilaration. I have only been out "a little bit" when fully dressed, but there's such a sense of joy? relief? exhilaration? it is very hard to describe for me. It is all of those things, and probably more, rolled up into one. But you know, sometimes it doesn't have to be a "big" thing. We should be able to be happy in the little things, I think. It's been a stressful afternoon and I'm going to re-read your post again, and probably comment more. But want to say I'm super happy for ya girl!
ReplyDeleteHugs!!!
Congratulations! The Shannyn is out of the bottle now - there is no putting her back in there forever. This is a key stepping stone to more of YOU! Hugs!
ReplyDelete