Not Hidden At All
Last night life returned to "usual" for me. Most of Shannyn is once again hidden, unsure when it can return. The clothes and makeup and all that is put away. I hope it can come back out again much sooner than later. I like this chick, she suits my personality.
Enough third-person talk. I had resigned myself to trying to work within the confines of family, go with the flow a little better, engage more. And I did, to an extent. I found it difficult, however, and after I went to sleep, I couldn't stay asleep. I wasn't having conscious or thoughts in a negative way, anything tangible I can really relate now. I just was off.
I usually go to sleep with a podcast playing on my phone. I listen to a lot of podcasts I never hear. LOL. For some dumb reason (I blame Android), my podcast kept stalling and locking up my phone. So for two hours I tossed and turned, rebooted my phone 2 or 3 times, and managed to get agitated. Tried rocking myself to sleep. Didn't work. It was my anxiety. I guess because my idyllic week had come to an end, work was around the corner, and I was facing not enough sleep.
Finally got to sleep, and got a decent few hours. Then I woke up and got going to work. The thoughts of calling off sick, etc., popped in my head as they often do. I felt very vulnerable. However , the words I see early every morning, the ones I've related here before, were in my head, as I had hoped they would be when I needed them: "You wake up badly. Give it time. Don't freak out." And so, I trudged on.
The really cool part of this story came after I got to work, and was engaging with friends online (work was slow, I promise). I was talking to one in particular, kinda noticed she was logged in early for a Monday, but didn't clue into anything. At some point, I thought of my upcoming birthday, and then it hit me: IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY!
So, that made me happy to realize. This courageous trans lady is someone who has been supportive of me for a long time. This was her day. I knew she was kinda not super happy about it, since she mentioned her age a couple times previously. You know how it is, many people don't like their birthdays. I actually LOVE my birthday. It's the day that I came into the world. Even though I share it with millions of people, I still feel it's my special day. I take the day off work. No way I'm working on my day if I can help it.
So anyway, I immediately launch into showing my friend she is adored, appreciated, everything. Happy birthday to you...all that jazz. Others joined in, which was my plan also. I wanted her to feel special. And I think I succeeded. She thanked me many times, but I made sure that I thanked HER. My day had been made!
And just like that...my rough start to the morning was gone. The essence of the person that is Shannyn was there in all her glory. Being encouraging. Being helpful. FEELING helpful. THIS is WHY I exist. And why I have to continue to exist. All the goodness that is so terribly locked inside me when I'm in guy mode comes out when I'm at least thinking as Shannyn.
Turns out, Shannyn's not nearly as hidden as I thought she might be, once the clothes and makeup were put away. That brings me joy. I want more joy. I'm gonna continue doing stuff like that. I want to somehow unlock the person the world sees every day, the one that's quiet and shy and withdrawn, aloof. Somehow I want to bring the two together, and I think I can.
But enough about me. If you read this blog post, you owe me something. Not really, but if you want to do anything that supports me today, I want you to find someone in your life, or a stranger, or even yourself. MAKE THAT PERSON SMILE. The reward you get will be worth a million dollars. It really will. I felt it, it is glorious. Pay it forward.
Until next time....
Enough third-person talk. I had resigned myself to trying to work within the confines of family, go with the flow a little better, engage more. And I did, to an extent. I found it difficult, however, and after I went to sleep, I couldn't stay asleep. I wasn't having conscious or thoughts in a negative way, anything tangible I can really relate now. I just was off.
I usually go to sleep with a podcast playing on my phone. I listen to a lot of podcasts I never hear. LOL. For some dumb reason (I blame Android), my podcast kept stalling and locking up my phone. So for two hours I tossed and turned, rebooted my phone 2 or 3 times, and managed to get agitated. Tried rocking myself to sleep. Didn't work. It was my anxiety. I guess because my idyllic week had come to an end, work was around the corner, and I was facing not enough sleep.
Finally got to sleep, and got a decent few hours. Then I woke up and got going to work. The thoughts of calling off sick, etc., popped in my head as they often do. I felt very vulnerable. However , the words I see early every morning, the ones I've related here before, were in my head, as I had hoped they would be when I needed them: "You wake up badly. Give it time. Don't freak out." And so, I trudged on.
The really cool part of this story came after I got to work, and was engaging with friends online (work was slow, I promise). I was talking to one in particular, kinda noticed she was logged in early for a Monday, but didn't clue into anything. At some point, I thought of my upcoming birthday, and then it hit me: IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY!
So, that made me happy to realize. This courageous trans lady is someone who has been supportive of me for a long time. This was her day. I knew she was kinda not super happy about it, since she mentioned her age a couple times previously. You know how it is, many people don't like their birthdays. I actually LOVE my birthday. It's the day that I came into the world. Even though I share it with millions of people, I still feel it's my special day. I take the day off work. No way I'm working on my day if I can help it.
So anyway, I immediately launch into showing my friend she is adored, appreciated, everything. Happy birthday to you...all that jazz. Others joined in, which was my plan also. I wanted her to feel special. And I think I succeeded. She thanked me many times, but I made sure that I thanked HER. My day had been made!
And just like that...my rough start to the morning was gone. The essence of the person that is Shannyn was there in all her glory. Being encouraging. Being helpful. FEELING helpful. THIS is WHY I exist. And why I have to continue to exist. All the goodness that is so terribly locked inside me when I'm in guy mode comes out when I'm at least thinking as Shannyn.
Turns out, Shannyn's not nearly as hidden as I thought she might be, once the clothes and makeup were put away. That brings me joy. I want more joy. I'm gonna continue doing stuff like that. I want to somehow unlock the person the world sees every day, the one that's quiet and shy and withdrawn, aloof. Somehow I want to bring the two together, and I think I can.
But enough about me. If you read this blog post, you owe me something. Not really, but if you want to do anything that supports me today, I want you to find someone in your life, or a stranger, or even yourself. MAKE THAT PERSON SMILE. The reward you get will be worth a million dollars. It really will. I felt it, it is glorious. Pay it forward.
Until next time....
Comments
Post a Comment
Comment here