Going Home
Right now, I am on a short trip back home to where I was born, grew up, and spent the first half of my life. It's an interesting experience, since I feel much more aware of myself than ever before, and see all the influences I had growing up. Environment definitely shapes a person.
In many ways, it's like riding a bike, being here, even though it's been nine years since I was here last. I can drive some places without GPS, which is cool. Seeing relatives is nice, and even though I'm introverted, I can deal with all the personalities pretty well. It's enjoyable, for sure. I'm away from the pressures of being who I am at home and at work for just a few days.
It has dawned on me though, that even here, I feel out of place. Being who I am inside is compounded by time away, and also the fact this is a very small town, as opposed to the huge city I usually navigate every day. There is that feeling of not living an authentic life, and makes me long to become more authentic. I feel that coming on, but for now, it's almost all locked in my head. I'm wondering when someone might ask about my shaved legs, though it is likely no one will.
Once when my family came to visit me, I was sitting next to my brother, and I had my arms smooth at the time. He noticed and asked if I shaved my arms. I admitted to it, though I probably gave some dumb excuse for why. My arms are only trimmed down right now (an act of marital compromise I'm not sure is appreciated), but my legs are freshly smooth like I want them. I wonder if I would be any more courageous giving a reason why now, if asked. If even I just said, "I like them this way, I don't like being hairy", that's a step in the right direction.
The other thing of interest comes after talking with my brother and mother just this morning. The topics were varied, and came around to accepting others like immigrants, or gay people, etc. My mother, who says she likes to laugh at life and not take things too seriously, yet actually takes things very seriously (yup, I'm like her AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!), mentioned a native North American person who is transgendered. I was expecting her to say that the person was ostracized by his people, but she mentioned how she (I think it's a MTF situation) is actually treated special by her people, and is referred to as "two-spirited". I have read about that, and as my mother said, I think that is very, very amazing.
In that talk, it went through my head: maybe I should tell her, and have an advocate in my family. But, I can't trust that she would walk the talk if it turned out to be her oldest son. I'm not yet there in terms of taking such a risk. Ah, a girl can dream. One day, maybe.
In many ways, it's like riding a bike, being here, even though it's been nine years since I was here last. I can drive some places without GPS, which is cool. Seeing relatives is nice, and even though I'm introverted, I can deal with all the personalities pretty well. It's enjoyable, for sure. I'm away from the pressures of being who I am at home and at work for just a few days.
It has dawned on me though, that even here, I feel out of place. Being who I am inside is compounded by time away, and also the fact this is a very small town, as opposed to the huge city I usually navigate every day. There is that feeling of not living an authentic life, and makes me long to become more authentic. I feel that coming on, but for now, it's almost all locked in my head. I'm wondering when someone might ask about my shaved legs, though it is likely no one will.
Once when my family came to visit me, I was sitting next to my brother, and I had my arms smooth at the time. He noticed and asked if I shaved my arms. I admitted to it, though I probably gave some dumb excuse for why. My arms are only trimmed down right now (an act of marital compromise I'm not sure is appreciated), but my legs are freshly smooth like I want them. I wonder if I would be any more courageous giving a reason why now, if asked. If even I just said, "I like them this way, I don't like being hairy", that's a step in the right direction.
The other thing of interest comes after talking with my brother and mother just this morning. The topics were varied, and came around to accepting others like immigrants, or gay people, etc. My mother, who says she likes to laugh at life and not take things too seriously, yet actually takes things very seriously (yup, I'm like her AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!), mentioned a native North American person who is transgendered. I was expecting her to say that the person was ostracized by his people, but she mentioned how she (I think it's a MTF situation) is actually treated special by her people, and is referred to as "two-spirited". I have read about that, and as my mother said, I think that is very, very amazing.
In that talk, it went through my head: maybe I should tell her, and have an advocate in my family. But, I can't trust that she would walk the talk if it turned out to be her oldest son. I'm not yet there in terms of taking such a risk. Ah, a girl can dream. One day, maybe.
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